Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I don't know if anyone can relate to how I'm feeling or what I mean by what I'm about to write, but I'm so confused that I thought I would just throw it out there and see what comes back. I have been living apart from my husband for almost 3 months now. He is an emotionally abusive bully...probably a narc, but was never physically abusive. I never felt in danger physically, nor do I now (he doesn't stalk or contact me daily), but every time I get a text from him or know that I have to see him (when he drops off mail, stuff I forgot etc.) I get so anxious and scared. I'm not sure why. Compared to most on this board, my situation is pretty benign and I've been doing well on my own...beginning to find myself again, my self confidence, my self worth...in complete control of my life again (for the most part). So why is it every time I hear from him...have to communicate with him or know I will see him, do I get scared? I feel he shouldn't have this kind of effect on me anymore and it makes me feel silly...and I'll confess, somewhat weak considering what others here have gone through. I don't know if it is fear that he will say something that will hurt me, fear that he will say or do something (or not say or not do something) that will make me wish we were together again, or fear that just seeing him will put me right back into the place I was when I was still fighting so hard to save our marriage instead of staying in the place I am right now which is accepting that's it's over, knowing it is for the best and looking forward to the future with my destiny completely under my own control. What is going on here?
My ex was physically abusive, but he now lives a half a world away - literally. He can't get to me, he doesn't even know where I live. And yet, when he sent me an on-line message recently, it sent me into a spin. It's our natural defence mechanisms. We know these men are dangerous to us and so we are naturally going to be afraid of them, even if the danger is "only" to our psyches.
Go easy on yourself, hold off on the name calling ("silly" and "weak"), the minimisation (there is no such thing as "benign" abuse), and also less of the "should" when it comes to emotions. You "should" feel whatever you feel - there is no right or wrong when it comes to emotions, they just are. If you are afraid, then accept that, and know that it's your psyche reminding you that this man is dangerous to you, even if he's not physically dangerous.