I'm so sorry you're in pain.

I've got two thoughts to share.

The first is that
caring and giving
are both good things.
But when giving and
giving turns into
sacrificing your
own well-being
and self-worth,
you've blown right
by practicing
adequate self-care.

The second is that
maintaining
healthy boundaries
are part of self-care.
When you sacrifice
your well-being for
someone else, you've
forfeited your own
healthy boundary.

Please re-instate
practicing meticulous
self-care and
healthy boundaries.

Being in relationship is
only a good thing when
you make sure you maintain
the first and most important
relationship, your
relationship with
YOURSELF.

Please take good care.

Sending you hugs and
wishes for healthy boundaries.

Giving with boundaries is not an easy thing.Sometimes the other person doesn't need that or doesn't need that much.
It's a wonderful thing tat you are reaching out for help with getting to the source of this.

I'm right there with you. I became strong but fell hard for this seductive charming man who did nothing but take and keep me caught in a web for his own joy. I waited for him to change because I wanted to fix him. I wanted so badly to believe what he told me. But he never did one thing to authenticate his words. And I was in deep denial.
I suppose he is one of many men I have tried to change. Its my pattern and I have decided I want to break that chain. I have setbacks and I ruminate about the past more than Id like to admit.
We are ALL going to get better every time we reach out. Thanks for your share it helped me too!

Thank you so much for the encouraging words, it is comforting to know there is a support system out here. I'm praying for healing and trying to self care. I'm a nurturer by nature and love making ppl happy but it hurts so bad to feel taken advantage of.

Although I felt worthless and terrible as a wife and mother because of my ex, my sadness was more about that than heartbreak of someone I really cared about. This is all about heartbreak and it really sucks. :'(

I too repeated some patterns. Through therapy (years) and grueling emotional work, I have found that the significant others I choose have gotten progressively better.
This has been a process that progressed as fast or as slow as I directed. After 40 years of striving to treat myself well and protect myself from abuse I am better at it than I was.
Some of the scars from my abusive childhood are extremely difficult to ever completely heal. I learned to strive to become the good parents to myself that I did not get in childhood.

I'm so sorry about the loss of this relationship-I know you had some concerns, but high hopes for it.

You are not inadequate, you just tried for a relationship with someone who was not capable of giving you what you needed. But you can learn to give that to yourself too, turn some of that nurturing onto yourself-you deserve it.

Thank you! I have to learn to not be afraid to know what I want, being appreciated, loved and respected is not something I should sacrifice.

I too am sorry for your pain. And yes, you nailed it in your last post. You shouldn't have to sacrifice any of the things you want in a relationship, especially those basics.

We all have different things we consider acceptable or otherwise - you are entitled to set your boundaries anywhere you want. A potential partner's choices are then to either accept those boundaries, or understand that you are not a well-suited couple, because your fundamental needs and wishes don't coincide. Nobody has the right to tell you (whether directly in words, or indirectly by ignoring them) that your boundaries are in any way inappropriate or wrong.

Spend some time figuring out precisely what you do want - the deal breakers and the things you'd just really like but which aren't deal breakers. Then stick to those things, especially the deal breakers. You have every right to them, no matter what they are and no matter whether someone else would consider them deal breakers or not.

I went through the same thing with my ex girlfriend of three years. I made her a priority in my life. she was living with her family when I first meant her. things were great the first year. then she moved 30 miles away to be the ocean. that's when things changed. she started to get involved in several women groups and she had her grandkids every other weekend. I became less important. she then said she wanted to take a break from our relationship because she was finding herself and I should find a less social girl. we continued to see each other . but I became unhappy and stressed out. so we eventually broke up

You said, "I'm a nurturer by nature and love making ppl happy but it hurts so bad to feel taken advantage of."

I am with Ilene on this one. It is critical that you nurture and love yourself and make yourself happy first and foremost. At some point (gonna be blunt here), being taken advantage of can only happen when we allow it to happen. The way we allow it to happen is when we are not aware of how we are allowing others

It would be helpful if you contacted a therapist to help you address the heartbreak (grief) and learn how to set & keep boundaries as well as looking how you might be codependent. My simple definition of codependence is 1. doing for others to our own detriment; and 2. allowing others moods/feelings to affect our own moods/feelings.

IMHO, giving ALL of yourself to others isn't healthy for you or the other person.

Healing is a process. It's not linear and it doesn't follow the same order/rules. Each of us heals in our own way. But the one thing most of us have in common is that we can't heal alone. We need help/guidance. So, when you are looking for & interviewing therapists, please be sure they have additional training (over and above what they rec'd for the degrees & licenses) in recovery from trauma & abuse.

~healing hugs~

Thanks, all of your insight and advice is really helpful. I'm thankful to have you all.