Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am really happy, especially now that my ex husband has moved. It has been almost 3 weeks and I am getting my house the way I WANT IT.
My ex called me last Friday (his week to have the kids) and asked "Hey, if you don't have any plans, wanna come over for pizza and a movie with the kids?". I didn't answer at first and had no intention on going, but still felt bad. He called again later and asked again "Hey, did you wanna come over tonight for pizza and a movie......................and......SEX?" WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O_o
As offended as I was I felt bad being mean and saying what I wanted to like "Are you fking kidding me, you disgusting pig!", but instead I said "No thanks, it wouldn't send a good message to the kids about us". He responded with "Why are you so resistant, blah blah blah blah?" I just awkwardly laughed and said I had to go.
Part of me doesn't want to rock the boat because of the kids, part of me feels bad that more then likely he will never have a successful relationship and I fell like it is my fault (i know, i know, i just told yellow not to take blame), etc.
I let him talk to me about his girlfriend, he talks to me like we are really good friends and I go along with it. I told my therapist, I don't care, feel sad or have any love for him (at all), and I am fine with him talking about his gf (or lack of since she won't return his calls now), the only thing that really bothers me is his continued requests for sex from me, BLAH!!!! Everyone thinks its really weird that i talk to my ex about his girlfriends, etc. I honestly don't care, it has no impact on me whatsoever. My therapist told me if it doesn't bother me then I should use his thoughts of a friendship with me to help guide him on being a better father and whatever I don't feel comfortable with tell him its not appropriate.
It makes sense but I have a hard time with it, why? I really truly have NO feelings at all for him and part of me is strangely interested in whether or not he has a girlfriend and knowing it doesn't make me feel sad, mad or anything.
Am I sick? I told my therapist that i don't call seeking out info from him, as a matter of fact if it weren't for the kids I would have no problem NEVER speaking to him again, but he calls me almost everyday, always with an "agenda" but it turns into talking about him, about why his gf (ex) won't call him back, etc., etc. etc. etc. Just yesterday he told me that he thinks he expects too much in life, from people, from himself, blah blah blah, i said to him "Nooooo, really?????". I told him he should talk to a counselor or therapist because he obviously has issues and if he wants a successful relationship it would be very helpful to him. He ignored me and went back into himself.
WHY????? I don't tell him anything about my personal life, I haven't told him about my boyfriend yet. Why do I have to be the one he comes to (although he does talk to others, but not to the depth he does with me)? Simply saying to him, look this probably is not appropriate, we are ex husband and wife and it is a little weird or awkward, etc. is not as easy as you would think. To me, it is not even a matter of putting my big girl panties on and just doing it, or is it?
Sorry for the length. Just been thinking over the last week about this and it is really bothering me.
My ex called me last Friday (his week to have the kids) and asked "Hey, if you don't have any plans, wanna come over for pizza and a movie with the kids?". I didn't answer at first and had no intention on going, but still felt bad. He called again later and asked again "Hey, did you wanna come over tonight for pizza and a movie......................and......SEX?" WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O_o
As offended as I was I felt bad being mean and saying what I wanted to like "Are you fking kidding me, you disgusting pig!", but instead I said "No thanks, it wouldn't send a good message to the kids about us". He responded with "Why are you so resistant, blah blah blah blah?" I just awkwardly laughed and said I had to go.
Part of me doesn't want to rock the boat because of the kids, part of me feels bad that more then likely he will never have a successful relationship and I fell like it is my fault (i know, i know, i just told yellow not to take blame), etc.
I let him talk to me about his girlfriend, he talks to me like we are really good friends and I go along with it. I told my therapist, I don't care, feel sad or have any love for him (at all), and I am fine with him talking about his gf (or lack of since she won't return his calls now), the only thing that really bothers me is his continued requests for sex from me, BLAH!!!! Everyone thinks its really weird that i talk to my ex about his girlfriends, etc. I honestly don't care, it has no impact on me whatsoever. My therapist told me if it doesn't bother me then I should use his thoughts of a friendship with me to help guide him on being a better father and whatever I don't feel comfortable with tell him its not appropriate.
It makes sense but I have a hard time with it, why? I really truly have NO feelings at all for him and part of me is strangely interested in whether or not he has a girlfriend and knowing it doesn't make me feel sad, mad or anything.
Am I sick? I told my therapist that i don't call seeking out info from him, as a matter of fact if it weren't for the kids I would have no problem NEVER speaking to him again, but he calls me almost everyday, always with an "agenda" but it turns into talking about him, about why his gf (ex) won't call him back, etc., etc. etc. etc. Just yesterday he told me that he thinks he expects too much in life, from people, from himself, blah blah blah, i said to him "Nooooo, really?????". I told him he should talk to a counselor or therapist because he obviously has issues and if he wants a successful relationship it would be very helpful to him. He ignored me and went back into himself.
WHY????? I don't tell him anything about my personal life, I haven't told him about my boyfriend yet. Why do I have to be the one he comes to (although he does talk to others, but not to the depth he does with me)? Simply saying to him, look this probably is not appropriate, we are ex husband and wife and it is a little weird or awkward, etc. is not as easy as you would think. To me, it is not even a matter of putting my big girl panties on and just doing it, or is it?
Sorry for the length. Just been thinking over the last week about this and it is really bothering me.
to your therapist, I STRONGLY
disagree with that position.
He is USING his old hold
over you, to employ you
as . . . . . . I can think of
several things, and
none of them are good.
Yes. You need to co-parent.
Many survivors find they do
that most successfully with
virtually NO verbal connection,
it's all done by emails or texts.
That way, they maintain a
connection that includes
distance, as well as
having EVERYTHING
that is said documented.
From his perspective,
as long as he's got
your willing ear, he
may have a chance
at some other part
of you. It's all about
CONTROL.
Obviously, what you
choose to do is totally
YOUR prerogative.
Just my two cents. . . . .
And his second phone call is iron-clad evidence that he is already trying to use that connection to reel you back in!
When we think of sharing deeply, we see a real human connection. All an abuser sees is: breakfast lunch and dinner for my ego, whenever I want it!
He is using you. Sorry :( I had it happen to me. The guy even TOLD me that he felt like he could say stuff to me that he didn't say to others! That was little comfort when he was out on the prowl and would come back to me with all the gory details... a person like that does not value you, trust me.
Pay attention to acts, not words. When I stopped listening to this guy's begging and flattery, the rose coloured glasses flew straight off!!!
Good luck and take care xx
Guess who you're not focused on?
For the time when he's talking about himself, the time you spend thinking about him, you're focused on him. And you said yourself, that's every day. That's a good chunk of of every day he can keep you thinking about him. Hook.
Of course you're interested. You want to see how he's doing without you. Is he lonely? Is he self-destructive? Is he thriving? People can't resist a good story - that's why everyone claims to hate drama, but beg you to give them the scoop.
That's straight up abuser-logic and it will never make sense to a non-abuser.
You seem to be questioning yourself? I can pass on three things straight from my counselor that might help you.
1.) Your feelings are always OK. They just are. Everyone's are. Actions based on feelings are not always OK, but feelings always OK.
2.) You don't need to have feelings about your feelings. Your feelings are OK as-is. Don't need to second-guess them.
3.) "The Face" - pay attention when you're talking to him to when you make the o_O wtf? face. It's a physical clue of our thoughts and feelings that we may overlook in-the-moment. My counselor said that when you're making "the face" it means that "your reality doesn't match their reality." That's a super-duper neutral way of describing it; in a more casual moment she called it "your bullsh!t detector" LOL. Much more to-the-point.
And man... he's using a tactic that my wife uses. I only see it now that I've been with her forever. That 'starting with an agenda and winding up talking about his him,' well, that was the whole plan from the start. The agenda is just the hook.
Well, it's good to hear about you, I was just thinking about you yesterday, and REALLY glad to hear about your house! =D
My experience w/the ex was similar. From the moment we met (in hindsight) to the very last time we spoke, it was ALWAYS ABOUT HIM.
Please take good care of you and limit your contact to emails or texts only. Besides not having to listen to him drone on and on, you will have documentation. ;-)
You really don't need all of that, and you sure don't need to help him. All the misery he caused you before????!!!!!!!
It is about control.
I wish you the best of luck!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You asked why does he have to call u all the time to talk. Because u listen!
So long as he can talk, he will think you're listening! Regardless of your interest, he just wants u to listen so he can have your attention!
Think of abuse and then think of communication in abuse!
Which sounds easiest, abusing by listening or abusing by talking?
If your not talking on the phone with someone then you're listening, if your listening your quiet and you reply back statements to communicate your listening to the conversation being said. How can an abuser abuse anyone by listening? Listening is so much more than hearing the sounds of words. We listen by acknowledging someone else, abusers can't do this because that would mean they would have to see someone else, and they only see themselves, (unless there is something in it for them like agreeing with you to hook you in). So they usually talk and talk and talk!
Why do u yourself confused need to keep this communication going? I know u said u don't care but I think there is something about this that is out of your awareness. And that's ok because once we ask ourselves the questions "why" then we can find the answers and work on them
People who grow ask why, people who don't ask why me?
He is a why me person, you are a why person, so start to ask why? What keeps me attached to answering and listening to his calls daily!
My therapist has been right on with everything to this point, I think she may be looking for at the fact that the kids are living with a sociopathic narcissistic father and if I can help make things easier for my kids that would be a good thing. At least this is what I was thinking when she said it to me. She definitely told me that if I was not comfortable with it I needed to tell him "no" I won't talk about that, but on anything else instead of making it hostile try to use it as an opportunity to turn it back to the kids by telling him things that would make it better for my babies. (not sure if I explained it right the first time or maybe its still wrong at the end of the day).
I am so glad that my "bull shit" meter is still somewhat accurate in thinking he is still nuts, but definitely don't like feeling like I have to "put up" with it because of the kids. It's like I don't want to rock the boat, I don't know why, just how I feel.
Thanks again everyone you are all so wonderful!!!! So glad I am starting to take my life back, or should I said just starting to live for the first time EVER on my terms. It is very empowering, minus the bumps in the road.
Happy Friday!!!! =)
Because in an abusive relationship that's what u feel, scared to rick the boat. So long as you keep trying ti manage him like u did in the past (as in nit rocking the boat) you're still in an abusive relationship with him even though you've left him!
I understand what your therapist meant, but this is why ^^ it is vital that you have minimal contact. I hate to point out but abusers are shit parents no matter what. Whether you are in contact regular or at a minimal he will always be a crap dad! You can't change that I'm afraid.
Does he have legal rights to the children yet? If not I'd pull away from contact with him, tell him to stop contacting you unless it's urgent and concerns the children (do by text or email as proof) and then if he can't maintain a regular stable environment for the kids then place boundaries in there. Give him choices, "unless you prove yourself your not seeing the children, if u can prove that u have their best interests at heart then that's fine" and let him decide what consequences he wants within moral boundaries! That's the best and most productive management you can do and give u the space au deserve and the control you should have!
If the shit hits the fan and he doesn't keep within boundaries then close the gates and he will have to take it further. If he does then he will have to prove to a judge that he has the kids best interests at heart anyway! If he can't stick to that then he won't see them or you can report it further!