He's not right about you, Joanie... you're just sensitive still because of all the drama that HE brought into your life!

((HUGS))

It's hard, really hard, to come down from the heightened state of wondering, checking, etc. because they keep you a slave to their every behavioural whim while you are with them. You are left constantly looking to them for cues and analysing what they might do next. And the fact that you came to expect that contact from him every time he came back off a trip makes it very natural that your ears are pricked up now.

He is NOT right about you; you have been abused by him, and you're in recovery, that's all. Be kind to yourself :) You need lots of understanding and care right now xxx

Joanie ---

He is NOT right about you.
Abusers typically try to get
us to believe that we're
the problem. It's so
much easier for them,
if they're successful
in perveying their LIES.

There's a part of the brain,
a component within the
limbic system, (called
the "dorsal striatum,").

This brain component
evolved because it helped
---- sometimes the individual,
sometimes the species -----
to survive.

The dorsal striatum is generally
the brain's "reward center." It
keeps us doing things that,
for the most part, help either
the individual or the species
to survive. It's what makes
eating feel good and ensures
that we tend to keep eating.
And it's what makes bonding
and mating feel good, and
ensures that, even when
the relationship is problematic,
even after we've escaped an
abusive relationship, even
when we know intellectually
that that connection is not
merely problematic but
destructive. . . . . . .

it's the dorsal striatum
that keeps us waiting
for the call or
wanting to call.

The home of the
dorsal striatum
is the limbic system.
The limbic system is
a part of the brain called
the "ancient brain," or
the reptile brain. (I call
it the fish brain, because
fish had this component
before there were reptiles.)

The good news is that
the brain kept evolving
until there were additional
components. When we
"do the work," whether
that's with a counselor
or all the things we can
do on our own, or (best
of all) some of both,

when we get all the
parts of our brain
working together,
we begin to feel
more in control
and more emotionally
centered.


Your ancient brain is
doing its thing. The
good news is, you've
got lots of other brain
components to help
guide you out of this
swamp.

Try focusing on other
things in your life that
bring you good feelings.
If you have to, do this
in twenty minute shifts,
and keep doing it until
the obsession backs
off. If you try that, even
for twenty minutes,
then you'll have been
stronger for
twenty minutes.

You can do it.
Please give it
a try!

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
strength, clarity
and all good things.

Thank you both so very much for your support, friendship and kindness. I have not wavered yet in contacting him and I feel a lot of the hard part about that this time is too much time off work due to snow and frigid temperatures gives me too much time to think and second guess. I did reread Why does he do that and a book called Jerk Radar. I also did the Clarification thing that you recommended Ilene, only I used notebook paper as that's all I had here. Pros equaled about 5 things and Cons took up a whole sheet and I wasn't even angry at him when I did it so I could be as objective as possible. I gave the brand new shoes he bailed on buying me to my neighbor who really could use good athletic shoes as she works in a factory all day, so I turned that into a positive. I have all of his things hidden in a closed off room. I am trying. I never heard back from my therapist and currently have an insurance lapse so just have to wait that out anyway.

Hi Joanie!

It is hard to have an empty space in your life that they used to fill. It is much easier when you begin to fill up that space with other things. New interests or projects, keeping busy is key when you are not engaging in deep inner work to love and appreciate who you are.

I think a big part of the problem that many survivors of abuse face is learning how to love ourselves. We are all kind, loving, compassionate people, we are givers... Otherwise an abuser would have never been attracted to us. Even though we are so good at giving to others, we are not very good at giving to ourselves. We were never conditioned to... That would mean that we would have healthy boundaries... Another thing that appalls an abuser. However, we can learn to have a healthy relationship with ourselves...

Have you thought about envisioning what caring for yourself would like? What compassion for yourself would look like? What would you do or say? How would you talk to yourself? What are activities that interest and nourish you?

We spend so much time thinking about them, them, them... Or worrying about ever finding someone else, that we forget about the one person that will always be there for us. Every. Single. Moment.

Ourselves.

We need to nourish and build this connection with ourselves so that we DON"T think about them so much! Really, life is a grand adventure, if we chose to take it...

I know how hard it is... I really, really, do. Hang in there, love and nurture yourself. The rest will come.

Joanie, I think you are doing great! You aren't crazy - what he is saying is HIS project of HIMSELF on to you. It can take a long time to stop wanting to contact them and/or know what they are up to. But you will get to the point where you realize that, omg, I didn't think about him/her at all yesterday! After eight years, I sometimes don't even realize it was our anniversary until the next day or week. And when I do, it's just

But it wasn't like that at first. Having adult kids tends to bring him into my thoughts some times because they might say something about his crazy antics. That's a little harder to deal with but I have tools that I learned in therapy that help me deal w/those times.

What I'm trying to say is that it will get better over time. Be kind & loving & forgiving to yourself!!!

Big hugs!!!!

You both make such great points. Growing up in an alcoholic household, I was fine tuned to walk and talk softly, to be the peacemaker, to keep my grades up and stay under the radar.I never did things that I wanted to do or had friends over. It all centered around keeping the alcoholic content so that he would not rage at my Mom or us. I think I still have so much of that behaviour and it has just carried on into my relationships . Lots to think about for sure....

You ARE doing really
great, Joanie.

Keep it up.

To be very clear about
my Clarifying Index Card
exercise. . . . . it's not for
weighing pros and cons.
A dozen "pros" will never
outweigh one incident
of abuse.

I urge you to (on a page,
if that's all you have),
write down
EVERY INSTANCE
of anything he did
that hurt you, made
you angry or brought
you discomfort in any
way.

The purpose of the
exercise is to see,
lined up or stacked
up, EVERY INSTANCE
and EVERY INCIDENT
of disrespect and abuse
so that we can't continue
minimizing or totally
blowing off the abuse
or wondering if it was
all our imagination.

Have you ever looked
into Adult Children of
Alcoholics? There's
a lot of value in that
program, that might
serve you, now.

Keep taking care
of YOURSELF.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
all best things
in your life.

Thank you for clarification on the index card excercise. I will be sure to do it over. Is the Adult children of alcoholics on here or? I really appreciate your help and kindness.

Just because you are no longer together, it does not mean your feelings automatically go away. It has been less than a month. Don't be hard on yourself. You have the right to feel how you do.

Thank you for your supportive reply. I just have to give it time I suppose.