One word......gaslighting........another word.......power

It's all the crazy making.

I remember this one, too: he would ask me what restaurant I wanted to go to, when I gave my answer he would say no, he didn't want that. I would say ok, what do you want, he would say I don't know what do you want? Then I'd say another place I wanted to go to and he'd say no to that too.

Rant all you need to, it's not you!!!

Oh my God, my ex to a T! And yet, he accused me of being the one to always bend the truth. He even pointed to me once and said, "What you are is a liar."

My ex used to also ask what I wanted just to tell me all the reasons why I was wrong for wanting it and why we weren't doing it. Also, if I ever did anything "right" he could compliment me, followed up by how surprised he was I hadn't screwed it up. They just like to make us feel like crap.

My goodness, my ex used to do this with simple things such as Starbucks drinks. Thought I was being nice by bringing him a drink, but he could never answer what he wanted.

Funny thing is that if he did that to me, he would be telling me he was in a hurry, and needed to know my order ASAP.

OMG, OMG, I know just how you fricking feel. I want to write something really mean, but I don't want to get booted off the sight, but sister, I feel your pain!!!!

Ah hahaha! I know, right? This is totally a thing. Same kind of garbage for no reason from my ex.

Sounds passive aggressive to me!

Similarly, my family always makes me the bad guy for abandoning the family, but every time I try to raise the subject of why, no one is interested in hearing or discussing!

They don't like to be held accountable! In any way!

Why? Because he knows it presses your buttons. And (as you said) it's also probably just become habit from avoiding the big questions. Or perhaps even a deflection - so when you ask him the big questions and you don't get a straight answer, you'll think THAT is just habit. Thing about the why is we'll never understand fully, because we just can't think like them.

And newrose? I had that conversation with my ex SO many times. Eventually I just stopped giving suggestions and went with "I don't mind, where do you want to go". Which got me "why the F*** can't you even bother making a F**ING suggestion once in a while? Why do I have to do it all???" Ya can't win.

This was what I remember. I would ask the question and....either no answer at all, or a shake of the head (I obviously made no sense, even though it was a basic basic question), or a grunt or mumble. And when I would say, "what did you say?" or "Could you repeat that?" he would either ignore me or say I needed to get my hearing checked. I finally realized the only one I had hearing problems with was him!

Couple/three reasons:

One is

Withholding

Two is that
liars get used to lying
so they lie ALL the time,
not just about things
that could bust them.

Three:

Not answering your
question shows a
fundamental disrespect
for your personhood.
For them, that adds
a point to their tally
and they get a fix
of superiority.

In my case, he used to either not answer or as Ilene said withhold most of the information so I would end up playing 20 questions w/him. Of course that would piss him off. At that point, he felt entitled to jump on me for bugging him w/all of my questions and not being satisfied w/the answers. Late in the game I told him I wouldn't have to ask so many damn questions if he just would have answered them fully in the first place. And almost every time he didn't answer or withhold had a direct negative affect on me. I also found it interesting that many times I would ask a question and would wait patiently for one, five, ten minutes w/no answer. So I would ask again. He would snap at me to give him some time. Yet when he asked me a question, if I didn't respond within seconds he'd demand that I answer him right then and want to know what was taking me so long. *ICK

Oh, and the opposite is just as true. He would ask what I wanted him to pick up from the store. I would be VERY SPECIFIC and he ALWAYS got something different that what I had said. I even resorted to saying if they don't have such and such, don't get anything. He would still get some off the wall thing and then be very hurt that I didn't appreciate all that he did for me. *MEH*

It's all about power and manipulation and control. Not answering questions is a definite CHOICE on their part and it is a huge red flag.

All responses are amazing.

Thanks for topic. SO there with you !!

Crazy making for sure.

Head games...a classic trick that all abusers do to make us feel like we are crazy.....and this way they can keep us under their power and control.

I've had that exact conversation about the restaurants too! Many times.

He actually told me once that he wanted to go to a certain restaurant but he wanted me to pick it out and think it was my idea so he could get credit for going to the one I picked.

Also my husband used to get exactly what I asked for except he would always change one thing. I sweat it was on purpose.