Oh Not, you are doing so well! You have reached this point after coming so far. And the words will come out when you are ready. There is no 'have to'. There is no 'must be done by...'.

There is only you and your girls and what you feel comfortable doing and when. Please be kind to yourself :) If you feed yourself enough care and let IT come to YOU, it'll happen. Easier said than done, I know...but that's my little bit of advice.

Sometimes, nobody can or should rush you - including you :)

Hugs xxx

IMHO there's a reason that your inner self prevented you from saying it. Maybe you don't feel safe enough on some level to say it. Most abusers tend to escalate & even if they abuser have never been physical, that can change in a heartbeat, especially if they think they are losing their source. Don't beat yourself up over not saying it. It's probably for the best, at least for now. Just go on w/your plans to get the divorce. Many advise that you not be alone w/the abuser when you tell them you're leaving/getting a divorce. Just do whatever you need to feel safe!

Most abusers weepy-ness, tears, sad puppy dog faces, apologies, begging, making promises, etc are all just expressions that are meant to pull you back in.

Know that when they express emotion, it's not the same emotions as ours. The only empathy an abuser is usually capable of is for themselves. They don't care about who else is hurting, only themselves. So please try to remember this when you start feeling sorry for him. He has options to help himself heal, yet he is choosing not to. That is not your responsibility.

My advice is to trust your gut over everything else and don't let the feeling sorry for him get in the way because it only serves to interfere w/you getting away and getting healthy. Take good care of yourself first & foremost!

I have been telling my husband I want a divorce since November. He still wants to try to make himself better (become a therapeutically fixed ex abuser) I'll tell you hearing him cry still breaks my heart. Seeing him cry on the other hand has made me feel a bit irritated. I feel like when I recently got a visual of the tears, I actually felt stronger. Almost like a teacher empathizing with a student. Telling him it takes a very long time to change. Keep up with the therapy and your reading. Time is on your side. It felt good to be strong, and not cry along. I have realized the tears are pure manipulation. His actions show no real change. The questions about if he is changing, in the book "Why Does He Do That" are all still NO!
I'm not insinuating that I don't continuously fall backwards and begin to second guess myself. I'm exhausted from my own constant banter in my own head. But, my feelings and my memories do not lie. The changes he says he is making, are all an illusion to screw with my head...so is the crying and acting pathetic. It's not for You, it's for the loss of his victim, his comfort zone, the loss of abusive control and most of all, for HIMSELF!
Stay strong and true to YOURSELF!

if u know it's over it's over! are you giving him false hope? if you feel safe tell him no use prolonging it for anyone. jmho . I'm not sure prolonging it even if you are unsafe is a good idea unless you are coming up with a escape plan fast. just what I observed with my relative

Hon ----

It's HARD.

It's always hard.

We fell in love and
made them a partner.
Putting that dream to
the sword to that dream
HURTS.

I'd been separated for
years. Finally, I picked
a day. I was sick to my
stomach all day long.
I rehearsed and rehearsed
a couple sentences. I knew
if I could just get those couple
sentences voiced, the rest
would take care of itself.

He was totally sweet
that day. Knowing
what I was about
to do . . . . HURT.

But I knew that if I didn't
do it that day, I'd have
another day in the future
that I'd feel sick all day
long, and I'd have wasted
all the time I had waited.

I spit the two or
three sentences
out. It was hard.
But it was done.

The divorce took
another two years
after I made my
announcement.

It's been ten years
since I divorced. Two
months ago, I remarried.

I understand how hard
it is. I can also tell you
that life free of abuse,
even on a really bad day,
is sweeter than anything
that happens on the best
day, living with an abusive
partner.

Rehearse three sentences
over and over. If you feel safe,
then. . . . pick a day and
spit it out. It'll be hard.
It'll hurt.

It's like surgery.
It's hard and
it hurts.

Post-surgery,
post-rehab. . . . .

life will be better.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
courage and
happiness.

Take good care!!!!!!
and spit it out.

I'm so proud of how far you have come! Dont loose sight of that. Ilene is right... its gonnna hurt and watching him cry and flounder will tear u up but it will be worth it (talking to myself too here)

Hi not,
You are doing well, but you are with an abuser.
They have a tendency to make you think you are going crazy or at least living in a world of confusion.
Right now you feel guilty about wanting to leave and of course he is going to put on an act to make you stay.

I hope you don't mind, but to bring this back to clarity I went back and copied a piece of a post you wrote in Oct.

"Yesterday, I posted my first post with an overview of my situation. Im learning that for the past 10+ years my husband has become increasing verbally abusive to me. It's been so subtle and gradual I barely noticed it until about 2 years ago - I saw patters of passive / aggressive behavior. He's treated me with accusations, judging, criticizing, discredits me feelings, he has tantrums and storms off if I say something that he doesn't agree with, he finds faults with my friends and family and little by little I barely see them, he tells me I overanalyze everything, asks for examples of times he's made me mad or hurt and when I give examples, he tells me thats old and in the past and why cant I just let things go....etc. After our "discussions" I ed up feeling so confused and mixed up. I realize i've become very checked out of our marriage at this point.. I just don't see our relationship going through so much transformation that it becomes one I can be happy in.

However, I am willing to keep trying, because he makes me feel guilty about breaking up our family, if I say I don't think things will work out. But no matter how many times I try and explain myself, it ends up in an argument and then a few days later the cycle begins again."

You have been miserable all these years. The abuse just keeps getting worse. Then you decided you couldn't take it anymore and discussed it with him. The reason it does us more harm than good to discuss feelings with him is, now he sees he is going to have to get you to stay.
I am not kidding-----abusers do or say ANYTHING to get you to stay. Even look sad with big tears till you feel guilty and the pain from all those years of abuse fades away.
Once you are secure in his life the cycle will start all over again.. only this time it will get worse.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope whatever you do, you will do the very best thing for you and the kids.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Not knowing the extent of your situation I can off only my personal experiences and the way I went about getting my divorce. Like you I couldn't muster the words no matter how much I tried they just wouldn't come out. Instead I contacted a lawyer that helped me formulate my legal intent to divorce. I handed the finished product over and said "This explains how I feel and what Im doing". If divorce is inevitable then get a lawyer and full steam ahead that way there is no going back or being fooled into staying and no further abuse.

I appreciate the encouragement and advice. I know I need to be true to myself. It just hurts so much to wrap my head around the concept that this person I chose as my partner for life, is really only concerned with himself and the tears and words are just manipulation tactics - that's just such a hard pill to swallow :(

A few months ago, I was scared and felt he was on the brink. He was talking and acting desperately and there were days I thought it may turn physical. It didn't, but I'm realizing Emotional/Verbal abuse IS just as damaging. It isn't "that bad because he doesn't hit me". I realize that was just Me justifying and making excuses for him while continuing to stuff my "crazy, over analyzing, distorted" feelings aside.

That is wrong!

Ilene - reading your story gives me strength. You get how hard this is and all that I'm struggling with.

Gem - what a great idea for pulling up that post. I remember it well. Someone suggested I read old posts whenever I start to waver. It was hard because since we put the marriage on hold in order to get thru the holidays, things were mellowing out. But the bottom line is, I am not happy. I feel lost and I've made too many changes over the years to adjust to him. I want ME back! And reading that old post did snap me back to reality. Thank you for taking the time to look that up.

Thank you for sharing Hard2. It's comforting - and yet very sad - to hear how others have been struggling in such similar ways. And yet seeing that it can be done is inspiring.

Today he started backing down saying, he can't make me love him. If I don't want to give things another try and feel like it's too far gone to work things out, then tell him. He said he's a big boy and can take it.
This whole new approach is making me second guess myself.
The thing is, he's not saying or doing what I really need. I can't quite explain it, but it just doesn't feel right.

Can't say it any better than RockinBunny. It's your life, do it on your own schedule, when you feel the time is right.

Sending you strength, courage and hugs Not! I totally understand the confusion of him crying and begging, my husband has done the same.

It seems like he probably knows that what you want is divorce, even though you haven't spelled it out yet. Therefore it doesn't seem like he would be totally shocked, as if it were out of the blue.

Give some thought to what would help you feel safe when telling him. In a public place? In a letter instead of face to face? While you visit your family with your girls, telling him over the phone? While some people might say a big thing like that is cruel to do by phone or letter, in cases of abuse, I think sometimes it's warranted. Especially when the abuser will likely use words (or physical force in some cases) to try to manipulate the conversation, change your mind, make you feel guilty, whatever they think might work to keep you from following through.

I'm not judging or saying I'm any kind of expert by a long shot. Just some ideas from someone struggling with the same kind of thing. I don't have a plan yet for telling my husband, and not sure how I will. But I like the idea of going to my mom's house with my kids and telling him from a distance.

Most of all be kind to yourself! Just because it's after the holidays doesn't mean you can flip a magic switch and lose all fear and stand up and say you're leaving to the man who's been your husband for 20 some years. xx

You may feel bad saying it, but it also seems like you know that it needs to be said. There isn't a pleasant way to say those words. And if you are like me, you may be concerned that the message did not get across during the previous conversation, and so maybe you need to say those words to him so that you know things are clear between you.
Good luck. It sounds like you are ready to me.