Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It has become clear to me that it does not matter what I think or how many times I say something. My husband has fully removed his acceptance of emotional abuse and has shifted it to "lack of communication" and pinning it on my "perception of reality not being real".
No matter how many times I tell him it doesn't matter. I have finally just given up and just let him ramble on and on about how I just need to forgive him, I just need to focus on "US" and making us better, I need, I need, I need.............. I am seeing a pattern here. It is all about what "I" need to do and nothing about what he needs to do.
Sadly, I even find that I don't enjoy "family" things because he continues to disrespect my boundries and makes me just irritated.
When I tell him I don't want this marriage, he says I do want it I just don't know it yet...... I tell him I don't want it and he says it is just not right that I don't want this. I tell him I have a choice and he says he knows but then says I just neee to give him "One More Chance".
As I sit here and write he is crying and telling me he can not believe that I won't give it one more shot when he is putting in so much effort (him). He said it is not right. He doesn't understand why my counselor is not guiding me to the direction of working on the marriage. I tell him I made my choice and he keeps going on and on about how he just wants me to choose this marriage. What is he not getting????? The weird part is that he was crying and within 5 minutes he isn't crying. I know he is really hurt by this because he is human but if I were on the receiving end of this conversation I would be absolutely crushed and devistated but I guess that is the difference between a true compassionate non abusive person and a controlling manipulative one.
I can't leave just yet, I am still working on putting a plan in place, finding a place to live and I want to wait until my son gets out of school for summer break to try to disrupt him the least bit possible.
Any advice? Thanks everyone!
No matter how many times I tell him it doesn't matter. I have finally just given up and just let him ramble on and on about how I just need to forgive him, I just need to focus on "US" and making us better, I need, I need, I need.............. I am seeing a pattern here. It is all about what "I" need to do and nothing about what he needs to do.
Sadly, I even find that I don't enjoy "family" things because he continues to disrespect my boundries and makes me just irritated.
When I tell him I don't want this marriage, he says I do want it I just don't know it yet...... I tell him I don't want it and he says it is just not right that I don't want this. I tell him I have a choice and he says he knows but then says I just neee to give him "One More Chance".
As I sit here and write he is crying and telling me he can not believe that I won't give it one more shot when he is putting in so much effort (him). He said it is not right. He doesn't understand why my counselor is not guiding me to the direction of working on the marriage. I tell him I made my choice and he keeps going on and on about how he just wants me to choose this marriage. What is he not getting????? The weird part is that he was crying and within 5 minutes he isn't crying. I know he is really hurt by this because he is human but if I were on the receiving end of this conversation I would be absolutely crushed and devistated but I guess that is the difference between a true compassionate non abusive person and a controlling manipulative one.
I can't leave just yet, I am still working on putting a plan in place, finding a place to live and I want to wait until my son gets out of school for summer break to try to disrupt him the least bit possible.
Any advice? Thanks everyone!
That is great as long there is no danger to you by staying till then.
I would not bother to confront or argue with him. I would just leave when it's time.
I would never tell him when I am going to leave.
Abusers promise and SAY anything when they feel their control slipping to reel you back in. Just be prepared for anything and don't fall for it. As soon as an abuser gets you back under his total control, the abuse will escalate.
If you won't go till school ends, then:
Don't TALK to him.
Don't LISTEN to him.
Don't SHARE with him.
Don't interact with him
except around parenting.
You are a POW planning
an escape. You get along
with your captor for now
because that is how you'll
survive till you slither out
the escape tunnel you're digging.
If you must stay till summer,
that's your reality. You stop
all intimacies. You stop all
"discussions." You stop all
the kinds of things that
couples do. If you must
stay, then you think of him
only as the co-parent of
your son and also the
warden of the POW camp.
While you're still there,
you work every day on
putting together the
logistics of your life
after abuse. And you
KEEP THOSE LOGISTICS
TO YOURSELF.
Those are my most strongly
urged recommendations.
Sending you wishes
for all the best.
Please take good care.
I don't have much expertise to offer you Confused as I'm right in the middle of an abusive situation myself, but my heart goes out to you and I wanted to send you my support. Take good care of yourself!
When I was reading your post, all I could see was 'him, him, him'. His wants, his needs, his desires. When he speaking to you, he is only taking into consideration what he wants for himself. There is no empathy for how you might be feeling or an attempt to see the situation from your perspective. That is not a normal relationship, it is an abusive relationship.
How many times have you tried to see things from his perspective? I bet you have been beating yourself up trying and trying to see things from his perspective, to think about how he feels, yet he doesn't extend the same courtesy to you.
I agree with Ilene. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, because no one else is going to do it. Especially him!
I am sorry if this is strongly worded... I just want to see you safe and happy in whatever life you choose to live! :)
Sending you love and hugs!!!
Freedomatlonglast, THANK YOU! Your words are not harsh at all. Your comments are almost exact to what my therapist points out that I feel like I often forget when he gets me in his grip.
The funny thing about this whole thing, is as soon as I told him that I would take his thoughts into consideration but to fully expect me NOT to change my decision, all returned to normal as if nothing ever happened. WHO DOES THAT?!?!?!?!
I have my therapist appointment tomorrow and I think I am just going to do exactly as Ilene said, just not discuss anything further with him about it. Only problem is, he absolutely has no respect for my boundries, one in particular, intimacy, I repeat over and over I DO NOT WANT SEX, he doesn't force himself on me, however he kisses and licks my neck and spoons me and I HATE IT!!!! No matter how many times I tell him I don't want it, his response to me is, "You need to have an "ORG@SM", that I can't possibly go this long without one and that he just wants me to let him give me one....... WHAT?!?! UGH!!!
Thanks for listening. :)
He says your perspective is wrong because it's not his. You try to see things from his perspective, he has no interest in yours. You are NOT supposed to think for yourself or even HAVE a perspective that differs from his. You tell him you don't want the marriage and he tells you that you don't even have a right to your own thoughts or desires. You tell him you don't want sex, and again he tells you that you don't know your own thoughts, desires or needs. I give my 5 year old more respect than that!
What is he not getting? He's not getting that his possession, his plaything, his piece of furniture, is pretending it can think for itself and make decisions that don't accord with what he wants and what he told it it wants. And he'll NEVER get it. Because you thinking, feeling, wanting anything other than what he tells you to, just does NOT fit with his world view.
And yes, everything is about him. He can't understand why you want to give up on the marriage when he's trying SO hard to tell you what you have to change to make it better for him.
For the first 6-7 years it couldn't have been more different, I was the nicest person he had ever met, he was so interested in giving me complements and I was so high because of it, but then came the point where I was invisible and looking back I can see I was always invisible because I was this idel factional character then when I started to question things I then became someone annoying bitch that was spoiling his fantasy and I then became the opposite of what I was, it was that which was the hardest experience for me, becoming overtly invisible and trying to be seen! You'll be explaining until your blue in the face of why u feel the way u do, what u want because like others have said he is all about himself and holds nothing for you the real you!!!
You are an extension of him, your not separate at all, you are not a person your an object that's misbehaving as it thinks it has it's own mind!
But your an object so he can't loose in this mind game because u have no mind, that's why he just keeps going on and on as if he has no shame in how transparent he actually is in what he's doing because your just an object, he has nothing to feel embarrassed about regarding his behaviour, you can't judge him, you only obey him because you belong to him, u are him!!!
The one thing that's good about being abuse free is not having to engage or be tempted to engage in none logical conversation that just drain you! You can actually get to know what real conversations r like even if its just with yourself inside your own head, it's so peaceful
My therapist has said all the things you all have and I can never say it enough to you all, THANK YOU!!!!
Every time I go to therapy and read your posts I learn something new to keep in my mind while things become more and more clear to me. I am so grateful for that!
It is clear that he has no empathy for the way I feel or what I want if he is so determined to just tell me what I need to do.
I told my therapist today that I am going to wind up slapping him very soon if he does not respect my boundaries specifically around intamacy and sex. He now tells me that I hate him and that I am mean for not giving him sex. He won't keep his hands off of me and he seems to think that if he is sweet enough or asks enough I will just give in. Ummmmmmm.......... I'm going with a big fat Negative Ghostrider!!!!!
Thanks ladies!!! :)
So I say to him, " WOW, this is so nice. You really want to renew our vows?" " Oh yes", he says. He just wants to move forward and leave the past in the past and start fresh. I say, " this sounds great and all, can you explain to me what your sorry about, and what tools you have learned so it doesn't happen anymore?"
Now ladies here comes the shocker.......this darling remorseful man immediately started abusing me. To which I said, " the weddings off. " lol
In all the years we have been married, he has never once cared about what my issues are with him and I am certainly not allowed to say. The only way to fix our problems is Daisy getting over herself and leaving it alone.
I am no longer willing to disrespect myself anymore and the clueless hap keeps thinking that I will give in.
He is only interested in what's best for him......your feelings are secondary. Keep respecting yourself, you matter and if he can't see this he is not worth it and doesn't deserve you.
I learned a new coping method besides don't forget he is not respecting boundries, and it is that he has no empathy for my feelings. He could care less about what I think or want as long as I just see it his way. I don't know why that was so hard to realize but now that I do it is really helping me stay focused on what is behind his words.
My H blames everything on my "bad attitude". Whatever.
Ilene, thanks for the response relating this to a POW...that is so right on and helpful!
I am beginning to dig my tunnel now finally!