I don’t know where to go and what to do at this point.  The last year and a half has been a roller coaster of emotional and mental abuse.  My ex bf kicked me and my daughter out again after I took her out of her school and daycare and moved to a small town to be with him.  That’s just the latest.  I sold my house in June, quit my job to spend with my and his kids over the summer and instead I received a broken foot and a night in jail because of him.  I spent two and a half months sleeping on my parents couch while my daughter slept on the floor.  Once the charges where dropped on me (because they realized I was not the aggressor) we tried to work it out again because he told me he had changed and I believed him.  I am now renting a room from a stranger with my daughter and we are having to get rid of our dog because we can’t have him.  

I was always the problem when we had a problem.  I was alway the crazy one.  Even his drug usage had nothing to do with our issues.  It was always my crazy that caused everything to happen.  He would tell me how to talk to him and when I would do that, he would flip out and change the rules and literally throw a fit and start throwing things.  The pictures I have of his aftermath are numerous and yet he was never the reason for us fighting.  

He started picking on my child and being to hard on her and when I would intervene, it would become a fight and I was the cause of it.  This last fight was the end for me.  He locked me out of the house again and in front of all the kids and when he wouldn’t let me in, I told my daughter to come and unlock the door, as she did it, he went to shove her out the front door.  

I knew he was emotional abusing me with the texts and the verbal abuse and I would tell him and he laughed telling me I was the abuser.  Everything was ok as long as I agreed with him and did what he wanted me to do.  But as soon as I tried to stand up for myself he would scream and yell and kick us out.  I have lost so much because of him and even though I know this, I still miss him.  I sit here crying all day long asking why.  Why couldn’t I be what he wanted and needed.  I know it’s crazy, and I know I can’t go back to him.  I don’t even want to because of how far he went this time.  And I know I will be better off without him, but my future still feels so black.  

My daughter is so sick over this and hurt because of what he did and continues to do.  We have been all Over the place these last 6 months and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that, and now she has to watch her mother, the strongest woman she knows fall apart daily.  We went from having a very nice, fun easygoing life to this.  I don’t know how I will be able to even support her the way I did before.  All because I have so much up to be with him and he took everything he could and broke us in the process.  

He still texts me horrible nastiest and it wrecks me every time I see them.  His last text was because I wanted to come over and discuss the dog situation and a couple other things with him.  This was his text after I met with him... after he insulted me prior to coming over and told me what he thought of me.  This text here was his response to me making plans that involved him.

THIS WAS HIS TEXT BECAUSE I WANTED TO SET A TIME TO MEET WITH HIM.

“You started a text conversation in the middle of a weekday night in order to plan having conversation in two days later that had no explanation, information, conformations, questions, resolutions, facts or even fictions that ultimately held, by definition, zero information of value at all... I asked you to stop talking to me about planing to talk to me... I asked you to leave me alone until you were ready to deliver the information by just freaking saying it...! You not only refused ALL of request but travelled lengths to actually do the exact opposite all the to include coming into my home and yelling at me during my very limited lunch break given during an extensively long and physically demanding work shift in order to let me know all the items written into your self entitlement portfolio in regard to how I am to address your self proclaimed “deserving” ass... 

all of the shit you just took all over me for two days, that you went out of your way to come here to do,was to force me to eat your shit and listen to you tell me nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING!!! Nothing except a short list of shit you should fucking figure out that required me to do, prove, say, solve, change... FUCKING NOTHING! 

Please. Please. please. Stop. Keep your fucking crazy to yourself which means shut up or I will not do even a fraction of a single waisted breath for you ever again.   There nothing left in my heart or mind that belongs to you. Nothing that even tells me to miss you later.. nothing left for you here aside for whatever’s left of the useless crap you want to take.

Now, let me tell you what I owe you”

And he doesn’t think this is emotional abuse.  I have hundreds of these from the last year.  And I still miss him.  I miss the times that fun and funny.  I miss how I felt this time last year decorating my house and having the best Christmas ever, and even as I type this I’m sobbing because I know that we will never have that again.  And I don’t know what to do to make this better.  I don’t want to keep crying over him and I don’t want to keep feeling so lost and broken.  I want to be strong for my daughter again, show her that we can overcome this and become better people, but I don’t know how to do that.