I feel for you sweetie, and I can relate. I am also "not myself". I realized a few months ago I am not half the person I could be. And now I've got some answers as to why, it sounds like you're figuring that out as well. It is tough, I spent many hours crying, I'm still crying but less at this point. You have a lot of courage to face what has been going on in your relationship. (((((HUGS)))))))

Oh Not, I feel you too. It is so painful, so unexplainable, so hard, so many bad things. And I too asked where did he go? Repeatedly. We were only together three years, but the first two were beautiful or so I thought. Then one day, pure meanness spewed out of him, out of nowhere. And it never let up. No matter how much I tried. Fortunately, I didn't stick around too long.

I understand it is so much harder given the length of time you have been with him and that you have children. You are doing the right stuff. You are figuring it out, however painful it might be. Hold tight. Better things to come for you and your kids!

I too have been struggling with wondering where my H went but I have come to the conclusion in my case that I don't think he's really changed all that much. I now believe that the reason I see this ugliness in him is because I am now standing up for myself and no longer accepting status quo. I think that if I had stood up years ago I would have seen the same person yet I take responsibility for not having the courage to speak up sooner. I don't blame myself- he has made the continual choice to be ugly, but I have to take responsibility for myself in allowing it. I could have saved myself pain if I had been willing to stand up. I once heard the truth that we will only make changes when our current circumstance is worse than the change. I was too fearful of so many things (being on my own, feeling shame, fear of being wrong etc etc) that the pain of what I was bearing wasn't as bad as my imagination of what could be. Now my reality is worse than my imagination so I'm willing to stand up. I have to say that I can't believe how much stronger I feel because of it. I didn't realize the power he had over me until now.

I cry missing the affection and tenderness I used to get but if I am honest with myself I was only getting those things bc I was compliant. I was a good little girl. Good little girls get treats and bad little girls get sent to their room (just an adult its for indefinitely).

I have moments where I think what am I doing to myself?? If I would just be sweet on him and give him a little narcissistic supply then I could get that affection again. I truly believe this is true in my case (that its like a light switch). But I choose to respect myself to say no love is better (and healthier) than fake love. I deserve real love. (tomorrow I might need to remind myself of that!)

Godis, I absolutely love your last few sentence. And don't fear, there are many here to remind you tomorrow. Peace

I wonder the same about my spouse.
I wonder if I made up a convoluded image because I wanted it and just ignored what I didn't like.... I know some of it existed when I dated him and I am guilty of thinking that he would change as he spent more positive quality time with me--- that he would no longer need to insult others if he was happy with me--- unfortunately that went wrong and he eventually started insulting me too.
I wish for you to find strength and happiness in whatever way you can.

Mine was the same the entire time. I was just his next victim so we had a honeymoon period. Every time we would split X3 we would have a honeymoon period. Any when the cash machine ran out it was very UGLY.