Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am stressing big time. Maybe its because my ex started calling and popping in this week. He says cant I say hi to a friend. He does not know I have been talking to some one new. Any way this new man is wonderful. We are still real new and I know things can change. But i have a real good feeling about him. Even his looks are not my norm, he's respectful, polite, just plain nice. Now the problem. As with any new relationship you talk about your past. Just the thought of discussing my life before, is keeping me awake at nite. He hasn't asked anything yet and just listens to what I say to other people to get info. I dont think he would push, but I am reliving 50 years, freaking out, worried he'll think I am a loser and run. And its opening wounds. I am feeling that it may be easier to stay single forever instead of doing this. Has anyone else expierenced this and how do you cope
I'm in a similar place.
Here's what I've done and am doing:
Proceed SLOWLY both with becoming involved and with sharing the intimate details of what went down in your past relationship(s).
If you don't lay it all out at once, but slowly and in small bits, you can get a read on where the new person is, with what you're sharing.
If he asks a question you don't want to elaborate on at that minute, either give a piece of the whole picture, or give a piece of the picture and say, "there's more to this that I'll get into later," or say, "That's a little complicated. Let's return to the topic at another time."
A patient, respectful person will be fine with any of those.
Regarding your ex:
Whether or not you speak with him is entirely up to you.
Frankly, that line, about, "Can't you say hi to a friend," sounds manipulative and intended to produce guilt in you, in order to resume relations. Me? I'd respond, "Sure, if you were a friend." Or, "Sure. I can also say, bye. Bye." And that would be that, particularly if he was abusive before and/or if you're moving on, now.
Good luck with everything. Most of all, take good care of yourself.
Regarding the saying hello to a friend... Yeah, people have told stbx and I that we will probably be great friends someday. I'm like, I'm not friends with someone who has no principles and so blatantly and deliberately screwed me over. Not friends. Never.
I have told my new guy quite a lot of what happened. But slowly. A bit at a time. A real broad brush to start with, see how he took it. He has never pressured me for more information, he has shown nothing but compassion for what I went through, and has put the "blame" squarely where it belongs - on my abusive ex.
Open up in your own time, on your own terms. If necessary, explain how painful it is to open up about this stuff.
As for the ex - yeah my first thought was "Yes, you can say hi to a friend. But you'll have to go elsewhere to find one".
And you can never, ever be friends with an abuser. Hugs to you, hon.
One of the things I really like about my current relationship is that we both have baggage and problems (who doesn't by the time they reach their 40s, and especially finding ourselves single in our 40s), but we don't try to fix each other. We are both responsible for our own healing, while acknowledging that sharing experiences and feelings and just plain having fun together can help us both heal.
Hope that made some kind of sense.