Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I left my ex a long time ago, we've been No Contact since spring. A series of bad circumstances outside of my control caused what I had left to change. Even that was months ago. Still, I'm in a ton of pain. It feels physical at times. It feels like my heart, my lungs, and my brain are too big for my body. I don't want to feel like a victim, but at times I can't even move, I'm so distraught. I can't keep feeling like this. I try to distract myself, I try to get excited about things that I always wanted to do, but it doesn't always work. The last couple of weeks, I haven't been able to stop thinking about certain aspects of what happened no matter how hard I try.
My mother is very understanding and she lets me talk about anything I want when I feel like talking, and she's fine with not talking at all when I need some time alone. She reminds me often that not everyone is awful. She reminds me of things that happened that prove I'm not as crazy as I feel. But I don't have the guts to tell her that I don't feel like going on anymore.
The only way I can describe the feeling is as if I feel this immense guilt, but I know I'm not guilty, I've spent a ton of time working through all that. I can't place why this still hurts SO much.
I've gone to therapy, I've tried writing, I've stuck around on these boards, I've tried meeting new people, I've even tried spending time alone. I've tried eating better, I've tried indulging in food, I've tried cuddling the heck out of the dog, I've even tried hatching quail eggs so I felt some sort of purpose! I've done all of these things and more, and any time someone recommends something new to me that sounds like it's something I could do, I try that, too. And I'm not giving up on things the second they don't seem to work; I really am giving a good honest try.
The only thing I can think of that might be holding me back are my dreams. I've always remembered my dreams. Every. Single. Night. Ever since before I was a teenager. And yes, I do make sure I get enough sleep when I can, but every single night my dreams feel so real, though I always know they're only dreams. Still, sometimes they feel as if I'm re-living an uncomfortable moment, or somehow changing history. References to my ex come often, and it makes waking up a chore.
I'm not new to heartache and breakups, but the crazy I let this guy bring into my life is crazy in itself. I want to reach inside my soul so badly and pull out the highly-optimistic person I was. He wasn't even my longest relationship, but somehow he had a hold on me unlike anyone before.
I'm getting desperate for more options. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
My mother is very understanding and she lets me talk about anything I want when I feel like talking, and she's fine with not talking at all when I need some time alone. She reminds me often that not everyone is awful. She reminds me of things that happened that prove I'm not as crazy as I feel. But I don't have the guts to tell her that I don't feel like going on anymore.
The only way I can describe the feeling is as if I feel this immense guilt, but I know I'm not guilty, I've spent a ton of time working through all that. I can't place why this still hurts SO much.
I've gone to therapy, I've tried writing, I've stuck around on these boards, I've tried meeting new people, I've even tried spending time alone. I've tried eating better, I've tried indulging in food, I've tried cuddling the heck out of the dog, I've even tried hatching quail eggs so I felt some sort of purpose! I've done all of these things and more, and any time someone recommends something new to me that sounds like it's something I could do, I try that, too. And I'm not giving up on things the second they don't seem to work; I really am giving a good honest try.
The only thing I can think of that might be holding me back are my dreams. I've always remembered my dreams. Every. Single. Night. Ever since before I was a teenager. And yes, I do make sure I get enough sleep when I can, but every single night my dreams feel so real, though I always know they're only dreams. Still, sometimes they feel as if I'm re-living an uncomfortable moment, or somehow changing history. References to my ex come often, and it makes waking up a chore.
I'm not new to heartache and breakups, but the crazy I let this guy bring into my life is crazy in itself. I want to reach inside my soul so badly and pull out the highly-optimistic person I was. He wasn't even my longest relationship, but somehow he had a hold on me unlike anyone before.
I'm getting desperate for more options. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
When I first finally got away from my disordered father (narcissist), my mood was all over the place. I would feel unprecedented elation at finally getting free, followed by a massive crash to a low unlike any felt before, seemingly out of nowhere.
Then back up. Then back down... and so on. That continued for quite a while, and these sudden mood changes and persistent discomfort have been a feature of the aftermath of EVERY single relationship I have had since with a disordered person. I don`t get, and have never had, such feelings over people who were not identifiably disordered.
This isn`t like any heartbreak you have been through before, you're absolutely right. They mess us up royally. But that just means that we need to give ourselves an even bigger break if things don't stabilise as fast as we`d like. As I wrote to someone else lately, think of it like cleaning and treating a wound. It takes time - I`m sorry :/
Sending huge hugs and we are here for you xxx
I urge you to practice
SELF-CARE for as
long as it takes.
Besides good food and
enough rest, that also
includes adequate exercise,
along with evverything that
nourishes, nurtures and
maintains your well-being.
And yes, therapy with the
right counselor can be
very supportive and helpful.
Please don't give up.
Life can and will be better.
Recovery is possible.
Healing does happen.
Please take good care.
Opting out is not an option though...karma, afterlife, multiple lives...we have to learn what we have to learn, and if you think you are going to pullet he plug, I am certain that you will be back wight he same problems. Better to work it out this time around instead of having to do it again, don't you think?
So...not only you need to tell your mother how you feel, but you also need to live with her for a while. She just needs to make sure you don't hurt yourself, sweetie. Sometimes that is all loved ones can do when depression takes over.
My father committed suicide when I was 9, and every day it feels like he rejected me, his love for me wasn't enough to keep him around. And that is exactly what your loved ones will feel if you opt out...
Try to stay with it, even if it feels pointless or too painful. Doesn't look like you can run away from this thing at this point, you might just have to go and see where the pain takes you. But make sure there is someone with you, so that you don't hurt yourself.
Love and hugs.
Please listen to what Ilene said about practicing self care and please get into therapy w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse and trauma.
Breaking up from a normal relationship is hard enough. But breaking up from an abusive relationship has added factors from which you need to heal. The biggest one is trauma, even if you don't think you were traumatized, abuse does do that. Another is how abuse can affect the brain which can end up with PTSD. I'm not diagnosing you, but sharing what I have learned in my training and from my own personal experience.
giggle & rb are right about the healing process. It's never linear and it takes longer than breaking up from a normal non-abusive relationship.
It really is crucial that you find a therapist who understands the dynamics of abuse as well as the various healing modalities. Talking about it will only take you so far. And at some point talking about it, repeating the story over and over, only serves to 'cement' the trauma even deeper. That's why modalities like hypnotherapy, EFT, EMDR &/or CBT are much more healing than just talk.
Sending you healing hugs.
There is one thing that he says in there that really stood out to me and it is:
We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about."
I just think your in a rut and need something to be enthusiastic about what that is I have no idea.
A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits."
He doesn't have that control over you, you have that control over you. I wish you peace of mind. Pray, God listens.
I did move in with my parents back when things were first getting too scary with my ex. A ton of things happened that really stunted my healing process, I just really hope I didn't do more harm than good for myself because I really am trying to hang in there.
My oldest brother committed suicide when I was a teenager (he didn't live with us at the time), and even though that was over fifteen years ago and my family appears to be okay with it, it's very difficult to tell my parents how I feel. I think my mother would be understanding, but I do know it would make my father very nervous if he knew that's how badly I felt inside. I have taken advantage of calling the suicide hotline when I've felt my absolute worst. I know better than to hurt myself after all we've been through. I do know the signs when I'm slipping into that dark place in my mind. I just don't want to spend so much time there anymore.
Sending you lots more healing comforting hugs...
Damn those friggin abusers! Such a head *(%& they do to us! Please keep trying until you are feeling better!
Thank you all so very much for all the kind and caring support. I'm actually very grateful I found this place while I was going through the darkest part of my relationship, and that a lot of you are still here while I'm going through the darkest point in reclaiming myself.
I'm so very sorry
for your loss, and
how it happened.
Sending you hugs
and loving wishes.
When your feeling this way just remember we are here for you. We do care and your part in all your advice to me helped me so much, I just hope I can reciprocate that, as well.
take care ((((((hugs))))))))))