Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I just thought I will share some of my experience to what worked when my relationship with my abusive x ended for good.
What Worked for me -
Changing Number - I know this is not possible if you have kids together but since we weren't married.Changing my number changed my life life overnight.
There was no longer any antipitation/panic of any call or sms which either stated that I made his life hell to I am the shining angel in his life and cannot leave him.
Telling Family/Friends - Since I always had great support from my family and still do.Telling them everything especially to my Mom and sister helped me a lot.The first time I told my Dad and got to hear what my brain always knew but heart wassn't ready to accept was actually the time I left for good.Since I never had any good friends so I told very few friends about it.Some support from them also helped.HUGE DISCLAIMER - Do not share the details if that family member/friend is themself not strong enough to give you support as this may take you some steps back in the healing process.
Blocking him on gtalk - I blocked him and made my sister also block him when he tried to reach her.It helped in gaining the control back.
Crying My Heart Out - This is what is the grief period.I was crying not for him but for the end of relationship which was very real atleast from my end. I cried and cried grieving the death of relationship which was though rotten and poisoinous yet was a part of my life for 5 long years.
Cutting Contacts - Whoa..This one was a toughie.There were many close friends of mine especially one with whom I had shared each and every detail of my sad relationship, became his messenger.I started avoiding her calls.She went ahead and met my x and also consoled him.This broke my heart.I could not believe that someone I trusted went to his side of the camp and why??I took the second most tough decision of my life.Complete cutoff with them.Blocked them.
Writing - The diary I wrote when I was with him and then re reading it validated why I left.Whenever I felt slighest danger of contacting him back, I read my diary.It made me realize that what I missed was never ever there.Yes, there were some good times but they were always tainted with far worse bad times.
Coming to DS again and again - Wwartgirl,RachelRachel,Ings,Beansprout, Tame, Kazb, Livin, FarandAway, Illene..Few of the angels without whose support meaning of life would have be totally been lost.Reading their journals, their messages, hugs and much needed reality check helped me to get out of the deepest pit of darkness, lonliness and helplessness.They helped and cared without judging.I can't thank you all enough.
Blocking him on fb - This I did some days back.A wise lady here wrote "When you're ready to become completely abuse free you'll be able to hit that block button!"I couldn't have said it better.
Moving from love to Indifference - I read somewhere that opposite of love is not hate but indifference.I am still working on this goal.It is tough to not hate someone who made your life living hell and stole your innocent teen years to emotionally abuse you for almost 5 years of the relationship and yet have the guts to send friend's request on fb.I am working on this everyday and I know it may take sometime. But I do hope that I reach where Tame is today.Girl!! I am sooooo proud of you!!!.And somewhere in my heart I know I will.
All I want to say to all those of you who are just separated, separating or thinking of moving out..
It's not easy but IT IS WORTH IT.It is totally worth it.
There is a better, happier and sane life waiting out for everyone of us...It's all about taking one step at a time...
My favourite quote to end this article with "This too shall pass".
What Worked for me -
Changing Number - I know this is not possible if you have kids together but since we weren't married.Changing my number changed my life life overnight.
There was no longer any antipitation/panic of any call or sms which either stated that I made his life hell to I am the shining angel in his life and cannot leave him.
Telling Family/Friends - Since I always had great support from my family and still do.Telling them everything especially to my Mom and sister helped me a lot.The first time I told my Dad and got to hear what my brain always knew but heart wassn't ready to accept was actually the time I left for good.Since I never had any good friends so I told very few friends about it.Some support from them also helped.HUGE DISCLAIMER - Do not share the details if that family member/friend is themself not strong enough to give you support as this may take you some steps back in the healing process.
Blocking him on gtalk - I blocked him and made my sister also block him when he tried to reach her.It helped in gaining the control back.
Crying My Heart Out - This is what is the grief period.I was crying not for him but for the end of relationship which was very real atleast from my end. I cried and cried grieving the death of relationship which was though rotten and poisoinous yet was a part of my life for 5 long years.
Cutting Contacts - Whoa..This one was a toughie.There were many close friends of mine especially one with whom I had shared each and every detail of my sad relationship, became his messenger.I started avoiding her calls.She went ahead and met my x and also consoled him.This broke my heart.I could not believe that someone I trusted went to his side of the camp and why??I took the second most tough decision of my life.Complete cutoff with them.Blocked them.
Writing - The diary I wrote when I was with him and then re reading it validated why I left.Whenever I felt slighest danger of contacting him back, I read my diary.It made me realize that what I missed was never ever there.Yes, there were some good times but they were always tainted with far worse bad times.
Coming to DS again and again - Wwartgirl,RachelRachel,Ings,Beansprout, Tame, Kazb, Livin, FarandAway, Illene..Few of the angels without whose support meaning of life would have be totally been lost.Reading their journals, their messages, hugs and much needed reality check helped me to get out of the deepest pit of darkness, lonliness and helplessness.They helped and cared without judging.I can't thank you all enough.
Blocking him on fb - This I did some days back.A wise lady here wrote "When you're ready to become completely abuse free you'll be able to hit that block button!"I couldn't have said it better.
Moving from love to Indifference - I read somewhere that opposite of love is not hate but indifference.I am still working on this goal.It is tough to not hate someone who made your life living hell and stole your innocent teen years to emotionally abuse you for almost 5 years of the relationship and yet have the guts to send friend's request on fb.I am working on this everyday and I know it may take sometime. But I do hope that I reach where Tame is today.Girl!! I am sooooo proud of you!!!.And somewhere in my heart I know I will.
All I want to say to all those of you who are just separated, separating or thinking of moving out..
It's not easy but IT IS WORTH IT.It is totally worth it.
There is a better, happier and sane life waiting out for everyone of us...It's all about taking one step at a time...
My favourite quote to end this article with "This too shall pass".
I need to get out and I know it...I'm scared I am ruining my life, but I really don't have a life---he tells me this is my fault.
How do you know when you should definetyly get out?
I have a place to go (if I call and act on it soon)
I have a lawyer
I have a therapist, a doctor, and good friends who encourage me to follow through so that I can be the person I truly am without fear.
But the problem is that I do fear everything.
I fear being alone, although I am alone in everyway because I can't tell my spouse any thought or feeling without being yelled at.
I fear ruining my credit....I don't have enough money to do this well.
I fear social criticizim.
I fear giving up a nice home for an apartment with little to no furnishings.
I fear that I will never be hugged again---but if I ask for a hug I am typically yelled at, occasionally given the hug-but it is cold....I am seldom offered a hug just because.
And cuddling is not to hold close and nestle together----it means sex without talk or kissing, or intimacy.
But yet I fear the loss of every thing----which I don't truly have now, but I had hoped I would have with my spouse.
Congrats to you!
This is a great list you put together. And true on every point. What a wonderful thing to share with the group!
It works if you work it! Love you girl!
@yellow - how do you know when you should definitely get out? Well, I think from what you've written, you already know. I understand your fears, I had pretty much the very same ones. Mine was a 2nd marriage, so I thought if I walked away it would prove that I was a failure (my mother even told me and anyone else who'd listen that I was a failure because I "couldn't hold on to a man" - which also feeds into what you said, isha, about being careful who you rely on). I had a baby and didn't think I could raise him alone. I feared being alone, I feared being lonely. I feared the money and other issues.
What I found out when I did finally get out of that relationship is that all the things I was afraid of were so much BETTER without him. I can promise you, being alone is SO much less lonely than being alone in a marriage, so much less lonely than sitting or sleeping next to someone who should be a part of your life but really just isn't at all available. The things I was afraid to do because I "knew" I was no good - well, most of them I can do now and do well.
The honest truth is that getting out won't suddenly make your life magical. But what it does do is gives you opportunity. Right now, you know what your life is and what it will be - a slow death of the soul. If you get out, there will be trials, there will be hardships, there will be setbacks. But there will also be opportunities for happiness, self-worth, joy and love.
One of the things I've read here many times is that you will get out when you realise that the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving. And one of the things I have said here many times is that anyone who can survive with abuse, can and WILL thrive without it.
Give yourself a chance to thrive.