Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Before the big breakup, my ex said that he had a dream that I am dark and murky.
I hate this, because I am not at all. I like lemonaide, sunshine, the ocean, and Jesus. My home is very sweet and charming, after many years of effort and work.......
So, I wrote down everything that I hate about myself.
I have never done this before, and I was curious to see if maybe he was picking up on something subconsciously.
I realized that there are 11 things that I hate about myself.
These are things that I usually avoid telling people.
They are weakness type flaws, nothing major, things I do
not particularly like about my body, or personality, or life.
SO does this make me dark and murky??? That I do not run
out and print up flyers about all of my flaws???
I feel like he put me in a box! Metaphorical speaking, of course, it
seemed that no matter what I did, he just wanted to believe the worst. He had this cat, I love animals and my dog is worth more than solid gold, but his cat was so annoying. I cannot describe how annoying this cat was, so when I would try to tell him things about the cat, he would just say things like, "she has that right."
This is a guy that gave me a one-hour lecture for using too much barbeque sauce on a sandwich at a restaurant one day. He also said that his life was unmanageable because he found out that I left a dishtowel in the sink. One day a pillow was crooked, and therefore, unacceptable. I also accidentally moved his arm before I got out of bed, again unacceptable. Of course, after all of these raging imperfections of mine, he has the revolutionary dream that I am dark and murky.
what was wrong with this guy?!
I hate this, because I am not at all. I like lemonaide, sunshine, the ocean, and Jesus. My home is very sweet and charming, after many years of effort and work.......
So, I wrote down everything that I hate about myself.
I have never done this before, and I was curious to see if maybe he was picking up on something subconsciously.
I realized that there are 11 things that I hate about myself.
These are things that I usually avoid telling people.
They are weakness type flaws, nothing major, things I do
not particularly like about my body, or personality, or life.
SO does this make me dark and murky??? That I do not run
out and print up flyers about all of my flaws???
I feel like he put me in a box! Metaphorical speaking, of course, it
seemed that no matter what I did, he just wanted to believe the worst. He had this cat, I love animals and my dog is worth more than solid gold, but his cat was so annoying. I cannot describe how annoying this cat was, so when I would try to tell him things about the cat, he would just say things like, "she has that right."
This is a guy that gave me a one-hour lecture for using too much barbeque sauce on a sandwich at a restaurant one day. He also said that his life was unmanageable because he found out that I left a dishtowel in the sink. One day a pillow was crooked, and therefore, unacceptable. I also accidentally moved his arm before I got out of bed, again unacceptable. Of course, after all of these raging imperfections of mine, he has the revolutionary dream that I am dark and murky.
what was wrong with this guy?!
to reflect on the source of the dream.
OK...
Excellent advice! Thank you!
I used the wrong kind of toothpaste
I stored my glasses open end down
I wore the wrong shoes to a job interview
My car broke down on the way to her house
The walls in my house were the wong color, and the countertops were tile.
I had the wrong kind of matress, and the wrong kind of sheets.
After I tried to talk to her about her drinking and pot smoking addictions after witnessing her hit her son, I was accused of "judging" her.
I loved my mother.
I was happy.
Keep in mind this is a short list, the long list could crash your computer.
Oh, and she also got mad at me for things she saw in a dream or "vision" as she claimed. And she also claimed I was all kinds of things that are completely the opposite of who I really am.
I have read a lot of great books like "The Four Agreements" and books on verbal abuse by Patricia Evans and I've learned that compliments and insults are pretty much NEVER about us... ALWAYS about the giver.
I of course love being around happy people who are giving out the compliments because they are happy people because even though we are what we are it's still more pleasant to hear pretty words, right?
I have developed a new strategy. When my husband starts in on me I have said.. " oh no, I'm not stepping in that"
I can't remember which book I read this in but it said to view an abuser's ugly words and rants just as you would if someone threw up in front of you... You wouldn't engage it or splash around in it, right... same thing with nasty talk... get away from it like it was barf on the floor cause that's pretty much what it is!
um.......what are you doing with me then?!!!!!!
lol!!!!
crazy people!
Why would such a perfect being, one who never makes any mistakes and can run the whold world want anything to do with me?!!!!
Yep I am the biggest foul up there is :)
I don't believe any of that, but I say it to him to call him out on his idiocy!
He hasn't said anything like that in a long time. But everytime I think about it, I get so upset.
I'm ok now :)
((((hugs)))))))
think of yourself as oil and his words as water, and all the negative comments just flow right off.
Just my suggestion.
An abuser's key goal is to tear us down and make us feel bad. They will use whatever works for them, including lying. And yet, we hear it, we internalise it and we try to figure it out. Even if he wasn't lying, even if he did have a dream that you were dark and murky, who cares? Who CARES what he thinks?
Instead of making lists of what you hate about yourself, make lists of what you love about yourself. And then make lists of what you want to be. Keep it positive. And don't listen to what an abuser says.
I also completely agree with what christysays says about how the compliments and insults (especially insults) say more about the person throwing them out than about the recipient. Know yourself, know your own truth and ignore those who don't have your best interests at heart.
All of which is a really long winded way of saying .... consider the source. :-)
this odd dream was from an emotionally abusive soul...
and should not be considered an absolute authority on the
worth of my life. Thanks so much everyone!
BUT also, they do this thing where they put on you what they feel about themselves. He probably feels dark and murky most of our abusers are, really.