Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Any words of wisdom on how to deal with my husband now... Over the last 2 weeks as I'm learning all about abusive relationships, I just want my space to be alone. He keeps trying to talk and wants to spend time with me alone after the kids go to bed, but I just cant deal with it all. I just want to be alone and when I say I need space until I speak with an IC, he gets frustrated and asks what we're supposed to do until then...just say hi and bye and ignore each other? He said hes been trying and wants to know if I want him to stop trying until I speak to an IC?
To be quite honest, I dont want to talk anymore because I'm learning how futile that is and i'm mentally exhausted from all the talking in circles.
Seriously last night he asked,
"do you want to talk or you want me to leave you alone? I mean I want to try and make things work. I love you immensely and I want to make things work."
My first thought was, ugh here we go again. It's because everything he says has an edge to it. I felt all achy when he came in the room and said that. So, not to look like the one not trying, I said yes, we can talk. It was wasted time, because for 26 minutes, he repeated the same things we've discussed in the past, and I just had to tune him out because I couldn't hear it anymore. I finally said Im really tired and want to go to sleep. He said "ok, but are we ok? Are we going to work on things?" "Do you want to fix things?"
...exhausted.....
To be quite honest, I dont want to talk anymore because I'm learning how futile that is and i'm mentally exhausted from all the talking in circles.
Seriously last night he asked,
"do you want to talk or you want me to leave you alone? I mean I want to try and make things work. I love you immensely and I want to make things work."
My first thought was, ugh here we go again. It's because everything he says has an edge to it. I felt all achy when he came in the room and said that. So, not to look like the one not trying, I said yes, we can talk. It was wasted time, because for 26 minutes, he repeated the same things we've discussed in the past, and I just had to tune him out because I couldn't hear it anymore. I finally said Im really tired and want to go to sleep. He said "ok, but are we ok? Are we going to work on things?" "Do you want to fix things?"
...exhausted.....
It's all about him and NOT about his worrying about you or the relationship in the way you or I would think about the relationship. It's all about him keeping hold of his 'source' (you).
My advice is if you are planning on leaving, do NOT tell him. They get THE most dangerous when they suspect or know their source is thinking about or planning on or actually leaving.
And, if you are planning on leaving, then you need to have a safe plan in place.
If you are planning on staying, then you will need all the support and counseling you can get. That will help you survive but not thrive.
He sounds very toxic and the longer you stay the more enmeshed in his toxicity you will become & it will be harder and harder to leave.
Love yourself first and practice healthy self care.
I just went back and read your first post.
You were beating yourself up for your affair. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but your husband had emotionally checked out of your marriage and things get so horrible with an abuser. Sometimes you need another person who will give you a little love and understanding. Please don't beat yourself up about it.
I think maybe it would help you to go back and read that post again.
You know if you go back it will be the same thing starting up all over again. It not only would be crushing for you, but for your kids too.
You have to make up your own mind, but if I were in your place and would go no contact with this man as much as possible, as you do have kids. I would focus on the future for me and my kids and never look back. I would like to look forward to hopes of happiness that I never will get with husband.
I wish you the very best in whatever you decide.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
If he was seriously remorseful for anything, he would respect your need for space and quiet, even if it was uncomfortable for him. Hang in there.