Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Those of you that have caught my posts since I joined DS, maybe you could tell I've been a total bummer. I've been extremely depressed ever since all the emotions hit me at the end of my relationship. Lots of stuff fell apart in my life after I left, and the unfairness of it all ticked me off like crazy.
For maybe the first time in a year or so, I'm feeling legitimately happy on my own. Nothing in particular has happened to bring me a moment worth smiling for, in fact I'm still in a pretty crappy position, but I feel like it's all okay.
But one thing that worries me, and something I think has held me back from reaching this point sooner: in my past experience, it's once I finally get out of my funk and take a real step towards getting over a past relationship that an ex reaches out. It happens a freakin' lot. Usually it's okay; I may choose to rekindle something or be friends if things weren't so bad, or I'm able to dismiss the contact attempts and continue getting on with my life if things were particularly bad for me. But with my last ex, I know it would freak me the hell out if he tried to say so much as "Hi." I am definitely terrified of the way I felt when he was in my life.
I know it would be unreasonable to believe he'd ever have the nerve to reach me after the way things went, not to mention I highly doubt he's up to the task of making his way around my No Contact precautions. An itty bitty bit of me wished my ex would try for a long time, maybe so I'd have proof he cared on some level, but I'm feeling like I don't need that right now. And I'm feeling like I don't want it.
Has anyone else here had a similar experience? Will an abuser stay away forever once they know you know what they are? I need to stop thinking about these things, but I don't feel ready to be able to keep my emotional schtuff together if he tried reaching out.
For maybe the first time in a year or so, I'm feeling legitimately happy on my own. Nothing in particular has happened to bring me a moment worth smiling for, in fact I'm still in a pretty crappy position, but I feel like it's all okay.
But one thing that worries me, and something I think has held me back from reaching this point sooner: in my past experience, it's once I finally get out of my funk and take a real step towards getting over a past relationship that an ex reaches out. It happens a freakin' lot. Usually it's okay; I may choose to rekindle something or be friends if things weren't so bad, or I'm able to dismiss the contact attempts and continue getting on with my life if things were particularly bad for me. But with my last ex, I know it would freak me the hell out if he tried to say so much as "Hi." I am definitely terrified of the way I felt when he was in my life.
I know it would be unreasonable to believe he'd ever have the nerve to reach me after the way things went, not to mention I highly doubt he's up to the task of making his way around my No Contact precautions. An itty bitty bit of me wished my ex would try for a long time, maybe so I'd have proof he cared on some level, but I'm feeling like I don't need that right now. And I'm feeling like I don't want it.
Has anyone else here had a similar experience? Will an abuser stay away forever once they know you know what they are? I need to stop thinking about these things, but I don't feel ready to be able to keep my emotional schtuff together if he tried reaching out.
Try to resist this. Otherwise you may find yourself right back in it and have to go through this process again. I have been on the roller coaster a long time.
I understand the little part that hopes he may try, which could show maybe he does care, did love me, that it wasn't as one sided as it now seems it had been all those years. But then when I read some other's situations in this group, and the difficulties of those things, it reminds me to be grateful I'm not dealing with more than I am .
Everyone's situation is different & it's hard to know how we'll react but keep doing the best for you. Sometimes it will depend where we're at in life or emotionally, I think we owe it to ourselves to try not to think about something that might happen too much. Easier said than done but if we do that, we lose our today. We deserve our today! Focus on your happy, you deserve it!
Some. Not all. One abusive person I knew who kept coming back every six months or so, disappeared entirely several years ago after I emailed them that I never wanted to talk to them again and kept up NC. They've never been back since, although them having new supply probably had something to do with it too.
On the whole, NC has worked for me in keeping them away permanently. They usually try again to test you when they think enough time has passed for you to have conveniently 'forgotten' how awful their behaviour was, or if they see or hear you're vulnerable from somewhere... or if they find themselves without any supply and check their memory banks.
They don't come back because they've 'realised'; they come back because they think there might be something in it for them. This is a description of a BPD relationship recycle that I have found helpful in the past. The post that contains it is the third one down, by laelle:
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203398.0
Remembering how self-focused their attempts are has usually been enough to annoy me into not falling for them, when they have materialised.
Whipple2, I get what you're saying. I can honestly admit to anyone that I still love my ex, though that doesn't mean I'm not making strides to be over him. Personally, I don't think you have to forgive an abuser the same way you may forgive someone that cuts you off in traffic or someone that reacts in your presence to an abnormally bad circumstance. The better I feel, the more I realize that I feel sorry for my ex and I acknowledge that he has a disorder that causes him to be a total pain, BUT I still hold him fully accountable for his lack of effort keeping himself in check.
The one exception for me was with the girl I dated in college (who turned out to be a manipulative abuser). When I finally called her out on what she was doing and confronted her with the evidence she backed off for a little while. Unfortunately she had been using me for her own gain in some college courses we were in together, so when mid terms came around she was back and after me again. However, I kept up with no contact and would brush her off and ignore her, so she gave up on it for the most part.
She tried again once or twice, but stopped after I didn't give her any attention.