Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I had a consult with my 3rd atty today ( my 4th and final consult w a diff atty tmr). I'm feeling very sad, overwhelmed and like im gonna wake uo and this all have been a bad dream... and yet a tiny bit looking forward to freedom. Freedom to make my own choices without being grilled, made to feel guilty, made to feel wrong.
It was a rough day with husband today. His IC never showed to his appt this morning. He was all upset, called me and said how he needed to talk to her because he desperately wants us to get things back on track and he wants to become a better husband, partner and father. I went into fix it mode and calmed him down.
Tonight he talked at length and said things he's never said before since this whole ordeal started. How he's owning up to what he did. He was a selfish SOB. And he wishes he realized it years ago when I tried so hard to get thru to him. He wishes I tried harder and yelled at him and told him he was being an ass. He wants more than anything to keep our family together, he loves me and is very much in love w me and promises to continue w IC to better himself and our marriage. He realizes he has to stop reacting and overreacting to situations. He gets that I'm in the house all day - bc I work from home - do everything for the kids, that I am and have always been his rock. He commended me for taking on side jobs on top of my f/t job, while running the house., shopping, cooking, caring for our girls - all while he chose to leave a good paying job bc he no longer liked his clientele, and chose to take a full commission only job. Became depressed and never did anything I suggested - like IC, seeing a life coach for some career direction. He said he's wrong for holding the grudge of us moving here - for the last 12 years. He went on and on.
He asked if I still love him and if I want it to work. I was honest and said of course I love and care for you but I don't have those feelings anymore. This has been going on for years and I've tried reaching out and crying out to you - like you're doing now to me - and it fell on deaf ears or I'd get empty promises and I'd forgive and try and move past, make excuses for your behavior. But the thing is its a lot of time, a lot of changes in myself and a lot of water under the bridge. I went on to tell him I don't know how to get those feelings back after all this repeated hurt.
He asked me - to be honest and swear on our kids if I've already visited an atty. I told him I don't want to talk anymore. He says, so I can assume u did. I said I'm not saying that. I didn't want to come out and say no after he made me swear on our kids :(
I guess the reason for this post is, is this all normal? My wavering. Wondering.... Does he really get it now? Will he continue to do the work on himself?
Sorry so long, but I wanted you to know he's said diff things this time and hardly twisted things and said WE both need to work on it.
Oh another thing he said was, this is his sickness - the way he reacts/overreacts, controls, etc. he asked, what if he was an alcoholic. Would I just turn my back on him and throw away 22 years?
I felt like I haven't really turned my back on him. I've stuck by him thru all these years of his empty promises. And I have given him numerous chances. I do feel like I still want and need him to work on himself because he still will play a huge role as the father for our girls. And he needs to step up to the plate and be a good role model for them. But as depressing a thought if being without a partner, I already feel like I no longer have one.
How do I know if THIS time it will b diff? He promises to make up the last 3 years to me.... Over the next 50! What do I do with all of this info?
It was a rough day with husband today. His IC never showed to his appt this morning. He was all upset, called me and said how he needed to talk to her because he desperately wants us to get things back on track and he wants to become a better husband, partner and father. I went into fix it mode and calmed him down.
Tonight he talked at length and said things he's never said before since this whole ordeal started. How he's owning up to what he did. He was a selfish SOB. And he wishes he realized it years ago when I tried so hard to get thru to him. He wishes I tried harder and yelled at him and told him he was being an ass. He wants more than anything to keep our family together, he loves me and is very much in love w me and promises to continue w IC to better himself and our marriage. He realizes he has to stop reacting and overreacting to situations. He gets that I'm in the house all day - bc I work from home - do everything for the kids, that I am and have always been his rock. He commended me for taking on side jobs on top of my f/t job, while running the house., shopping, cooking, caring for our girls - all while he chose to leave a good paying job bc he no longer liked his clientele, and chose to take a full commission only job. Became depressed and never did anything I suggested - like IC, seeing a life coach for some career direction. He said he's wrong for holding the grudge of us moving here - for the last 12 years. He went on and on.
He asked if I still love him and if I want it to work. I was honest and said of course I love and care for you but I don't have those feelings anymore. This has been going on for years and I've tried reaching out and crying out to you - like you're doing now to me - and it fell on deaf ears or I'd get empty promises and I'd forgive and try and move past, make excuses for your behavior. But the thing is its a lot of time, a lot of changes in myself and a lot of water under the bridge. I went on to tell him I don't know how to get those feelings back after all this repeated hurt.
He asked me - to be honest and swear on our kids if I've already visited an atty. I told him I don't want to talk anymore. He says, so I can assume u did. I said I'm not saying that. I didn't want to come out and say no after he made me swear on our kids :(
I guess the reason for this post is, is this all normal? My wavering. Wondering.... Does he really get it now? Will he continue to do the work on himself?
Sorry so long, but I wanted you to know he's said diff things this time and hardly twisted things and said WE both need to work on it.
Oh another thing he said was, this is his sickness - the way he reacts/overreacts, controls, etc. he asked, what if he was an alcoholic. Would I just turn my back on him and throw away 22 years?
I felt like I haven't really turned my back on him. I've stuck by him thru all these years of his empty promises. And I have given him numerous chances. I do feel like I still want and need him to work on himself because he still will play a huge role as the father for our girls. And he needs to step up to the plate and be a good role model for them. But as depressing a thought if being without a partner, I already feel like I no longer have one.
How do I know if THIS time it will b diff? He promises to make up the last 3 years to me.... Over the next 50! What do I do with all of this info?
The thing I look at most here is the broken promises. If everything he was saying now were true and he just didn't realise, then why did he make promises in the past? And what person makes promises they aren't going to keep and doesn't see that as a problem? My 5 yr old knows promises are serious business.
The other thing that really struck me is that he's subtly blaming you. If only you'd tried harder to tell him that broken promises aren't a good thing, if only you'd been abusive back (calling him names, yelling at him), if only YOU'D made more of an effort, then he wouldn't have been abusive towards you. Really? THAT's his big realisation, that it's all your fault for not trying hard enough to control his behaviour?
Those are two huge hints that this time it won't be different. Another is his assumption. You say you don't want to talk about it so he says "oh well that gives me an answer then". No it doesn't, but he just wanted to manipulate you into having a conversation you'd said you didn't want to have.
Sorry this is a bit back and forth, but I'm writing in kind of order of importance (in my view) rather than the chronological order. So another one that stood out is he says that he only now realises that you worked really hard doing everything while he slacked off and did as he pleased. How much of the slack is he actually taking now?
And even just the IC and instantly ringing YOU to fix HIS problem.
It doesn't seem to me like anything's really changed other than the words used. He's broken promises before, why would this be any different? That's the conclusion I had to come to with my ex, that I simply couldn't believe any promise he made or any realisation he said he had or anything else that came out his mouth, because he'd just let me down too many times. I felt like Charlie Brown with Lucy offering to hold the ball for him. Every time, she promised it would be different this time, that she'd seen the error of her ways etc - every time, she'd come up with something more and more believable and apparently heartfelt. And every time, she still moved that ball so he fell flat on his back. Unlike Charlie Brown, I eventually had to just stop listening to the realisations and promises. Because they meant nothing.
I'm really sorry for where you are at - it's a really tough spot. I've been there and I remember it only too well. I didn't want to admit to myself that I simply couldn't believe anything that came out of the mouth of the man I had loved, the man I married, the father of my son. I didn't want to wonder if anything he'd ever said was true, if our relationship had been a sham from the start. But the simple fact was, he'd told too many lies, and never once backed up a promise with real action, except when there was something in it for him (he did one session of couples counselling and some anger management - in order to avoid jail time for assaulting me).
Oh one more thing - the "alcoholic" comment. If he were an alcoholic taking full responsibility for his drinking, for his hurtful actions resulting from the drinking AND for his recovery, and if that were the extent of the problem, then maybe you would stay and see how he goes. But he's not an alcoholic, he's abusive and hurtful to you, has been for a very long time, and is holding you responsible both for his abuse and for his healing, without acknowledging any of the pain you have suffered.
Ive watched my dad die after suffering 8 years with alzheimers over 14 years ago. We've gone through 4 years of unsuccessful fertility treatments followed by 2 years of adoption process - for both children. Those years were horribly stressful and were so very depressing. And I was consumed with feelings of hopelessness and sadness. Until of course, those 2 very best days in my life when I received the call for both of our girls :)
And now, here I sit, years later, with more overwhelming sadness, regret, disappointment, pain, hurt, confusion, unanswered questions... and I wonder how will I ever feel happiness or feel whole again? I'm just so damn tired.
He just keeps saying - marriages go through ups/downs. This is normal. We've been thru so much. This is just another bump in our marriage. But it feels different for me.
The concept that I've really been thinking about is sacrifice. When there is any action that appears to be giving, is it really a sacrifice? How much is it "costing him" to say these things? Is there sacrificial action? If he's going to the post office for his boss it isn't much of a sacrifice to buy some stamps for you while he's there. But what if he had to skip picking up a coffee or cutting a conversation short with a friend to do what you asked him for? What if the post office was in a construction zone several miles out of the way? The level of sacrifice (not just doing) we are willing to undergo indicates the level of commitment.
WRT the alcoholic thing, that is a choice too. Alcoholism is not a disease you pick up in the public bathroom. The very fact he brought this up is invalidating.
Ask him if he's willing to do whatever it takes. Is he willing to have people hold him accountable? people of YOUR choice? I would encourage you to go back to the posts listing signs if he's changed and see which ones don't apply. We've listed several here already. How would he respond if you gave him the list with the unmarked areas that he hasn't shown? Would he receive this well?
If he truly has changed that is awesome. But i think having a concrete list helps to sort through their manipulations. I'm sorry he is making this even more difficult for you.
What I've been focusing on is how do I feel (about him) instead of whether he's genuine. Whether he changes or not, am I even able to reverse the process of emotional detachment I've been in? It feels so overwhelming sometimes. I guess also I've realized I don't have to figure it all out, and relieved myself of that responsibility for now. Have faith that it will be clear at some point. xx
hugs and prayers
is totally normal.
Everything he's said
and done is
totally typical
of an abuser
losing his victim.
Does he get it this time?
He gets that he is losing his victim.
Can he change into
a non-abusive partner?
EXTREMELY UNLIKELY.
The typical follow-up to
the abuser "owning" the
abuse and swearing it
will stop
is that when the victim
is securely recaptured
the abuse reappears
and ESCALATES.
Will your abuser do that?
No way to know
till after you take him back
and things return to "normal."
At that point,
after the escalation,
a second escape
becomes more
difficult than the first.
Only you can decide
what to choose for your life.
Returning is a roll of the dice
with very bad odds. You might
come out with a non-abusive partner.
You might come out
with an enraged abuser,
furious that his victim
dared attempt to escape.
Please take very good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
And Ilene, I can def see your point that how will things b if I were to. Turn around and go back at this point? I am 99% sure things will escalate simply bc he's proven this before. Last august I asked for a separation and he flipped. Promised hed change, I have him another chance and by may of this year things were so bad I asked for a separation again. He refused, more promises, I gave another chance and 5 months later I'm now even more emotionally and mentally hurt and disconnected and asked for yet a 3rd separation. And he refused to leave but sleeps downstairs. He doesn't change. He is not capable. And bottom line, I can not take those feelings. They are gone. I am out of fight. I'm done. And it's been subtle bc it's spread out over 1.5 of asking for separations but I can see in looking back, that yes, every time I took him back, things got worse.
I am so grateful for all of you here. You're helping me so very much to stay focused and keep my head about me.
Hugs,
describing your experience
after giving him
another chance
and another chance
and another chance
the likelihood
that your abuser
"gets it" and
will now become
a non-abuser
is even
more unlikely
than the odds
I'd give
before that
historical recounting.
Sending you my
best wishes
and prayers.