Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As I read through the discussions and journals on this board I realize so many of us keep going back to our abusers over and over. We are not idiots. We are kind and loving people. We really, really want & hope things will get better. And we really need to believe they love us.
I left my abuser 10 days ago. I really think I'm done this time. I've left 3 times before, but I think I'm different this time.
This time I'm not constantly thinking about him and if he's okay. He is not okay. He wasn't okay when I was there & he's not okay now. It doesn't make a difference if I'm there or not. Maybe I can be okay without him. I sure can't be with him.
I deleted all his texts, emails & voicemails that I've saved for 4 & 1/2 years and through the last 3 break ups. I used to listen to them from time to time, both with him and apart, especially after an abusive night. They were my proof that he loved me, that someone loved me. They have lost their power. The way he "loved" me isn't love. And all the words he ever said meant nothing, because he would take them all back & replace them with the worst of words, if he drank too much or had a bad day.
I am actually spending more thought & energy on myself and what I want in life now. I know that sounds simple, but I have not been able to do that before - ever.
I go places & do things now without the worry about what he is doing, or if he'll be angry with me. He will be angry with me - that's what he does. But I won't be going home to this angry drunk again.
I don't check my phone to see if he's called or texted me with an expression of love or apology. I actually don't want that from him. I know that it wouldn't mean a thing anymore. Sorry means BS if you have no intention of making some change to keep from doing the same old crap.
I will get through this. I believe it now. I am so glad for feeling different this time. I've read that you will finally leave for good when you've had enough. I think I've finally had enough
I left my abuser 10 days ago. I really think I'm done this time. I've left 3 times before, but I think I'm different this time.
This time I'm not constantly thinking about him and if he's okay. He is not okay. He wasn't okay when I was there & he's not okay now. It doesn't make a difference if I'm there or not. Maybe I can be okay without him. I sure can't be with him.
I deleted all his texts, emails & voicemails that I've saved for 4 & 1/2 years and through the last 3 break ups. I used to listen to them from time to time, both with him and apart, especially after an abusive night. They were my proof that he loved me, that someone loved me. They have lost their power. The way he "loved" me isn't love. And all the words he ever said meant nothing, because he would take them all back & replace them with the worst of words, if he drank too much or had a bad day.
I am actually spending more thought & energy on myself and what I want in life now. I know that sounds simple, but I have not been able to do that before - ever.
I go places & do things now without the worry about what he is doing, or if he'll be angry with me. He will be angry with me - that's what he does. But I won't be going home to this angry drunk again.
I don't check my phone to see if he's called or texted me with an expression of love or apology. I actually don't want that from him. I know that it wouldn't mean a thing anymore. Sorry means BS if you have no intention of making some change to keep from doing the same old crap.
I will get through this. I believe it now. I am so glad for feeling different this time. I've read that you will finally leave for good when you've had enough. I think I've finally had enough
Yes, there comes a point where they lose a great deal of their power. Until you reach that point, it's really REALLY hard. It's still hard after, and you will still have bad days, but I can feel the contentment and resolve. I'm very happy for you.
Good for you. Stay with this trend. :-)
I think it's wrapped up in:
codependency
low self esteem
abusive relationships as a child
And guess what? They are all interconnected. Until we unravel that thread and heal ourselves when we were first injured, we are destined to seek out our abuser's toxic treatment and confuse it with validation and love- two things we desperately crave since we never learned that we are intrinsically worthy and can meet those own needs within ourselves.
Think of it this way- it's raining. We are standing out in the rain without an umbrella. Do we blame the sky? Do we think that next time it rains, we won't get wet? Most people will run inside the house. OR, if being in the rain is unavoidable, you at least get an umbrella.
Hugs, all.
Yes I will have bad days & bad hours. I will miss him like crazy, but I will be missing something that isn't and never was real. I have to keep telling myself that.
Rosenkranz - you said it perfectly. "I'm lonely. But when I lock my door at night, I know that there is no one there to make me crazy". That is what he did, night after night, only ending when he got tired enough or I fought back - then it got even more crazy.
I too, think something is wrong with me that I have kept returning to him, but I do think he has lost his power and allure to me. I am ashamed of myself for having been in this relationship so long and not staying away the first or second or third time. My therapist is asking me to try not to think that way, but to applaud myself for my strength this time.
I am 55 years old & have had two adult relationships, both with abusive alcoholics. I may never have a good & functional relationship with a man. Actually that is okay with me right now. I don't have what it takes to stay out of the rain & I will not try again, until I am sure I do.