Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is from today's "Wolf's Daily Howl," my blog at another address.
(I just spent an hour on this Howl and lost it in a key stroke as I was about to upload.)
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Okay. (Deep breath. . . . . )
Taking the great questions posted on another thread (on the HEAL board), earlier today, I'm going to start with a few and continue on with the rest, tomorrow.
So. . . . .
What it is about "us" that we get abused
What is it about us that makes us stay in the beginning?
First of all, it's not about the victim being at fault for any abuse.
The abuser is at fault for all abuses.
But ---- for those who've ever felt as though we have "sucker" carved into our forehead, well ---- we have something carved somewhere, but not on our forehead.
For those of us from a dysfunctional family of origin, we have a program stamped into our psyches. It went in when we were just forming into people, when our psyche was wet cement. It went in when we watched one parent controlling or abusing the other. It went in when someone controlled, violated or abused [i]us[/i].
Stereotypically, we think of men abusing women. Physically, yes, there are more violent men than woman able to control physically. But emotionally, my hunch is that its much more even than that, possibly as close as fifty/fifty. Abuse is about damage, not gender.
So when we grow up with this reality, either witnessing it or as the target ---- when it happens to us again ---- it feels like home.
It's what we learned. It's what we lived. It's what we saw and what we knew. It's what we understood as family. It's what we were taught as being "love." And if it didn't feel great, we were told, "Nobody's perfect." "That's life." "Get used to it."
So, now, here it is again. It's family, it's familiar, it's life, it's what we grew up living.
And that we find ourself back in the same place, again, is no accident. The predator on the hunt for someone susceptible to control, sniffed us out, hit pay dirt and did a victory dance.
Gotcha!!!!
The program installed in our emotional center got there in our earliest years, in the bosom of our dysfunctional family. This dysfunctional program imprinted software that turned off the natural alarm systems which would otherwise have been at work, to let us know that something is terribly wrong and we should save ourselves. As children, there was nothing we could do, in the face of dysfunction and abuse.
Later, all grown up, someone raised in a healthier home, would recognize the first signs that something is awry. Someone raised to make sure that no one ever mistreated them, would stand up at the first signs of violation, move towards the door and say: Stop that instantly, or I'm outta here!!!!! Then, if it didn't stop instantly, they'd be packed and gone faster than you can say, "What was wrong with that picture?" They knew what was wrong. Their natural alarm went off and they didn't hang around for more.
A predator isnt going to want a [i]healthy[/i] person. Theyre going to want a person primed for manipulation and control.
Theyre on the hunt for US, as a predator in the wild searches for the easy target.
They seek us out and they know us by our sweetness, our willingness to ALWAYS accommodate their preferences, our silence when they abuse us, our willingness to believe its OUR fault, our reluctance to get up and get ourselves to safety.
And since we were raised in the midst of dysfunction and dont see that theres anything much wrong, were easy prey. Sure, it doesnt feel great. But thats life ---- right?
And thats what it is about us. Thats why we find ourselves dealing time after time, with despicable situations and scenarios.
Good news, though!!!!!!. . . . . . We can UNinstall the old program and upload software that enables and empowers us to lead a happier life!
(Ilene)
(I just spent an hour on this Howl and lost it in a key stroke as I was about to upload.)
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Okay. (Deep breath. . . . . )
Taking the great questions posted on another thread (on the HEAL board), earlier today, I'm going to start with a few and continue on with the rest, tomorrow.
So. . . . .
What it is about "us" that we get abused
What is it about us that makes us stay in the beginning?
First of all, it's not about the victim being at fault for any abuse.
The abuser is at fault for all abuses.
But ---- for those who've ever felt as though we have "sucker" carved into our forehead, well ---- we have something carved somewhere, but not on our forehead.
For those of us from a dysfunctional family of origin, we have a program stamped into our psyches. It went in when we were just forming into people, when our psyche was wet cement. It went in when we watched one parent controlling or abusing the other. It went in when someone controlled, violated or abused [i]us[/i].
Stereotypically, we think of men abusing women. Physically, yes, there are more violent men than woman able to control physically. But emotionally, my hunch is that its much more even than that, possibly as close as fifty/fifty. Abuse is about damage, not gender.
So when we grow up with this reality, either witnessing it or as the target ---- when it happens to us again ---- it feels like home.
It's what we learned. It's what we lived. It's what we saw and what we knew. It's what we understood as family. It's what we were taught as being "love." And if it didn't feel great, we were told, "Nobody's perfect." "That's life." "Get used to it."
So, now, here it is again. It's family, it's familiar, it's life, it's what we grew up living.
And that we find ourself back in the same place, again, is no accident. The predator on the hunt for someone susceptible to control, sniffed us out, hit pay dirt and did a victory dance.
Gotcha!!!!
The program installed in our emotional center got there in our earliest years, in the bosom of our dysfunctional family. This dysfunctional program imprinted software that turned off the natural alarm systems which would otherwise have been at work, to let us know that something is terribly wrong and we should save ourselves. As children, there was nothing we could do, in the face of dysfunction and abuse.
Later, all grown up, someone raised in a healthier home, would recognize the first signs that something is awry. Someone raised to make sure that no one ever mistreated them, would stand up at the first signs of violation, move towards the door and say: Stop that instantly, or I'm outta here!!!!! Then, if it didn't stop instantly, they'd be packed and gone faster than you can say, "What was wrong with that picture?" They knew what was wrong. Their natural alarm went off and they didn't hang around for more.
A predator isnt going to want a [i]healthy[/i] person. Theyre going to want a person primed for manipulation and control.
Theyre on the hunt for US, as a predator in the wild searches for the easy target.
They seek us out and they know us by our sweetness, our willingness to ALWAYS accommodate their preferences, our silence when they abuse us, our willingness to believe its OUR fault, our reluctance to get up and get ourselves to safety.
And since we were raised in the midst of dysfunction and dont see that theres anything much wrong, were easy prey. Sure, it doesnt feel great. But thats life ---- right?
And thats what it is about us. Thats why we find ourselves dealing time after time, with despicable situations and scenarios.
Good news, though!!!!!!. . . . . . We can UNinstall the old program and upload software that enables and empowers us to lead a happier life!
(Ilene)
But how do I know when I have gotten it right?
How do I guarantee that I am not installing the defective program onto my children. What if my self talk is still so skewed that I cause them to not have self protection techniques?
One thing I can do is keep them away from grandma... I feel evil saying that...
This is very well written and goes right to the hear of the matter.
"Nobody's perfect." "That's life." "Get used to it."
These are THE EXACT lines my parents told me.
My shrinks response to that is "Yes nobodys perfect but you are way too far from it"
The new software is knowing what is right and wrong. We always know this deep down but the voice has been so suppressed. Speaking up is vital.
Some people are to quick to move back into other relationships before they sort out what happened in their current abusive relationship. Healing is the most powerful step in reprogramming. Staying away from your abuser and anyone like them is the next.
No one person can make us happy. We have to find happiness within ourselves, then we embrace that happiness and never let anyone take it away from us.
I told my son once when he asked the difference between right and wrong, if it feels good inside you then it is good. If it feels bad, then you it is wrong. This is our warning mechanism.
Hugs and healing to you all. Thank you llene for another great post.
I was attracted to his intensity, I used to think that because he "loved" me, and married me, I must be really special, because he was so intense, so special.
I know that he is mentally ill, in the real sense of the word, and that it got worse as he aged, as did the abuse, and that when our son was born and abused I was able to see clearly what was going on, and found a way to put a stop to it. Once I realized it, I had no questions that it was abuse.
But, I guess my point, is that even those of us from healthy families of origin, can fall for a guy who is good looking, successful, and not realize how controlling he is for a long time, and not realize what he's trying to do for a long time. He may just be really really good at what he does, as mine was....
Hugs....
I don't think that you have to have been abused as a child to get involved with an abuser, but I do think an abuser had to have been abused as a child or seen abuse to BE an abuser.
In my case, I married a covert abuser. Just remember these guys become what you want them to be. They hide a lot of themselves and what they are to become what you want and need. But it cannot last for long and each day they let their guard down more and more.
My abuser was at his worse when he was engaging with sex with others.
He was at his best when he was asleep.
Hugs and healing. Thought I would give you my opinion.
We've been misinformed about self-care. Many of us were told that if we directed our attention to taking care of ourselves, that made us "selfish." But that's a false argument and it's not true.
As adults, it's OUR responsibility to take care of ourselves. First. In a plane, when the oxygen masks come down, an adult traveling with children is instructed to put the mask on her or himself FIRST, and then put the mask on the child. And that's the model that I believe works best when it's not an emergency as well.
As an adult, it's the responsibility of the individual to take care of that individual. Who else is supposed to do it!!!!!
THEN,then we can shift our attention to care for others. And a healthy, nourished individual WILL have both the desire and the wherewithall to do that. An unnourished individual may not have adequate wherewithall. That's how dysfunction is transmitted down through generations.
So ----- purposeful self-care can begin the process of uninstalling unhealthy programming.
As that's going on, we must find what appropriate boundaries feel like. In a dysfunctional family, boundaries are violated every which way. Sometimes that's with emotional or physical battery. Sometimes that's with neglect or abandonment.
A person without healthy boundaries is like a bank with the assets left piled up around the counters and the doors flung wide open, day or night. A solid, cared-for inner core and a feel for appropriate boundaries, that keeps us safe and more likely to be living the life we envision, would seem to be the keys for a high-quality, satisfying existence.
Re: Coming from a functioning family and still ending up with an abuser . . . . it can happen. There are exceptions to every "typical" situation. Also, sometimes there are contributing factors that are less obvious, but identifiable, sometimes less obvious and they go undetected.
Self-care and healthy boundaries are to the individual what nutricious food and proper hydration are to the living cell in our body.
I.W.