Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My sister has been verbally abused by her husband. I've been there for her to talk to and she expressed something yesterday that I don't know too much about.She said that when she thinks of her relationship with her husband from the beginning he told her that he dated a lot but never had any long-term relationships. He doesn't seem to be able to connect on an emotional level and even sex is without passion...kind of robotic. She told him early in the relationship that she liked to cuddle and fall asleep in bed hugging but he said he hates it and he won't go near her in bed except for sex. He used to hold her hand and say I love you, but when she thinks back, he never let his guard down and exposed a loving gentle side. My sister remembers him saying something that is very interesting when they were dating; he said "please be what you seem to be." Now she's wondering if this was his way of worrying that she would find out that HE wasn't was he seemed to be. He never showed his anger or disrespect until kids came along and he felt frustrated.
I guess my sister and I are wondering if there is a psychological condition where someone can be unable to be passionate and emotional? He will not have a deep conversation with her about feelings and doesn't seem to think deeply. He can only talk about sports, weather, work, and he knows all about how many days a guy should wait before calling a girl when dating.My sister is wondering if there is something severely lacking in him?
I guess my sister and I are wondering if there is a psychological condition where someone can be unable to be passionate and emotional? He will not have a deep conversation with her about feelings and doesn't seem to think deeply. He can only talk about sports, weather, work, and he knows all about how many days a guy should wait before calling a girl when dating.My sister is wondering if there is something severely lacking in him?
He obviously has intimacy issues that likely stem from his childhood. He doesn't go deep into emotion because he probably has some skeletons lingering there.
He never showed his anger or disrespect until kids came along and he felt frustrated... likely not a matter of having been hiding or suppressing it (no one can do that for so long), but rather, he hadn't had such an intense feeling of inadequacy as fatherhood gave him. Sounds like textbook to me. He has no confidence in himself as a father and masks it with the need for control. Mind you, the person he masks it from is himself. Until he comes to terms with his feelings of inadequacy, and his fear of intimacy, and addresses them at their root (in counseling?), he is bound to continue in denial of them, and projecting the problem onto anyone but himself.
I don't see his comment as at all being evidence of deception, but rather a revelation of his truest deepest fears... the person she "seemed to be" was likely one who accepted and loved him. He feared she would not remain such.
Am I hope this guy gets counseling and gets to the heart of his issues. I know that his behaviors are not acceptable, but the more you talk about him, the more I think that your sister should leave him. He won't heal with her. I have a hunch that he just MIGHT be a better husband the next time around. If she doesn't love him, she needs to be done.
Deep down, these people have a love/hate relationship with Mama, especially as adults. Some long for the "classic woman", one who tolerates everything with a fascade of intimacy that never really exists. Have you ever noticed that many can't be intimate during pregnancy, like Elvis? And abuse and disconnect is rampant when the babies come around. It goes to a new level.
In my humble opinion, she should, if and only if, she is at a point where she is unwilling or unable to consider working with him and encouraging him to get the help through counseling that he needs. Not just couples counseling to heal their habits of dealing with eachother, but also individual counseling for HIM to get to the root of his intimacy issues and sense of inadequacy. If she has gotten so far removed from him emotionally that she has no desire for them to learn how to love eachother again.... basically, IF she has already given up... I think she should sever it. IF (stress IF) he has had a revelation about his abuse pattern, hopefully he will continue to seek professional help, and NOT under the supposition that it is to save his marriage. He has to get it because he needs it, not because he wants her to stay.
I'm sorry if my tone in the other messages sounded accusatory toward her (It might have just been in my head, but I did feel myself judging her). Although I do sense she plays a great role with her own control issues, I recognize and appreciate that her position is influenced by what she has withstood thusfar with this man, and I do not wish to minimize anyone's experience.