i think you have post traumatic stress disorder from your ex relationship. they make us sad. it never really goes away. i would say block him from ever contacting you. if he abused you he is abusing her, for sure. i am very sorry you are going thru this. its awful what they do.......

Well I remember you :-)

It's hard to say exactly what's going on - only you can truly know yourself. But it seems that you have fallen into the trap of allowing his treatment of you (and apparent treatment of another) to determine your worth.

Firstly, the FB stuff. There are a bunch of explanations for his behaviour. My personal best guess, since he sent a friend request, is that a lot of the stuff he does on FB, a lot of the stuff he says about her, is designed for two things - to hook her, and to hurt you. I have seen this time and again with an abuser who has apparently moved on, but everything they do is designed to make the ex feel bad about her (or him)self. Which shows HIS obsession with YOU.

Another thing about FB is that you can be whoever you want to be, because the image is controlled. A few fake smiles and a few fake platitudes, and you have a "happy relationship" full of love and caring. Doesn't mean it's true. That goes double (in my view) for people who show these things publicly (rather than just friends). To be clear, I am NOT saying that anyone who posts stuff publicly on FB is dishonest, only that an abusive ex who issues a friend request, knows he's not been blocked, and then posts all this stuff about his happy new relationship is almost certainly attempting to manipulate his ex. And is most likely manipulating his current as well.

As to how much she loves him? Again, you can NOT know the ins and outs of his relationship based on a few statuses and photos on FB. I have seen so very many stories on here of "proof" that "he loves her more than me, she's getting the best of him, so the abuse must be all in my head or all my fault". A lot of problems with this notion tho. First one is that, as I've said, there is proof of nothing (and in a great many cases, the truth has in fact come out, the next one is treated as badly as the ex was and is putting on a happy front). But the other is that even if they ARE happy, that proves absolutely nothing about your relationship, your worth or how you deserve to be treated.

Every one of us deserves to be treated with respect and decency. Whether he can treat someone else with those things (unlikely) makes absolutely NO difference to the absolute truth that you deserved those things from him. Nor does it make any difference to the absolute truth that you didn't get those things from him.

One of the problems with keeping contact with an abusive ex (and keeping them unblocked, checking their FB pages etc is indirect contact) is that it holds back the healing. It keeps the ex abuser in mind, keeps that "what if" going around and around, keeps us trying to get into their lives, their heads. The only way to truly heal in my view is to break off all unnecessary contact. Including blocking them on social media. I do get the temptation, I did the same thing with my ex for a while, kept checking his page for evidence - evidence of what? Not sure, maybe I hoped to see karma smack him in the butt? I don't know, but what I do know is that it was keeping me thinking about him, wondering about what he was doing, whether someone else was making him happier than I did, etc etc. And every minute, every ounce of emotional energy, spent on him is a minute or an ounce of emotional energy I wasn't spending on myself or my healing. So, as hard as it was, I blocked him. And it was freeing - I haven't even been tempted to look since.

The only other thing I can suggest is that if you've not had counselling with someone who is experienced/trained in abuse recovery, then I can't recommend it highly enough.

You did not deserve the abuse, the problem was his not yours, no matter WHAT the truth of his new relationship is. Stop worrying about what he's up to and focus on making your own life and relationship as happy as you can.

ok so honestly i have done the same thing.. post traumatic stress sounds like something you can name it, or that you feel like you were rejected somehow and not good enough to be loved by him. Well you were not rejected and you are good enough... you are good enough for YOU, for your husband and the people that do love you and want you around. He is the one that was not worthy of all you had to give. and abusers always abuse. My dad abused my mom and although he doesnt hit my step mom, he still tells her to shut up in front of people and talks to her like she is stupid sometimes. Well last time i heard that was in 2011. And i have seen him twice since then. They have been married for 20 years.
Anyhow, you may need to just delete your facebook profile all together and stop look at other peoples lives thinking they have it better than you. Pictures and words are easy to post but reality doesnt always show through.
I just deleted mine and went out to meet people and spend time with them and of course to stop looking at my ex'es profile. I ave two ex's and they have girlfriends...i already know they both have issues...one told me, the other makes is obvious...same pattern.
give your love and attention to your hubby like you have and get off social networking. You will feel better.

Thanks Hope...Thanks for the kind words...Needed them..

Livin, I can't thank you enough for what you wrote....
I want to breakfree and the only way out is to block him...
And I need to do that...
And I will...
I was doing lot better when I had stopped visiting his pages and reading about him.

No it's NO LONGER all about him.
It has to be just ME and my happiness now.

I need to re focus all my energies in the right direction now.
I needed to read this soooo much...

Thanks Livin...Thanks a tonnnn....

Thanks Butterfly...
Deleting fb may be tough as I have many friends there who only contact me through that.
But BLOCKING everyone who is making my life negative.
That I have to do and will have to get the courage for that.


And Livin, about counselling, I am from India and sadly here going to therapist is looked down upon..I so wish it wasn't...
But that option doesn't exist for me.
I hope blocking him and coming back here may help me get back on the right track again...

It was because of you all that I was able to understand my self worth and break away...
Else, I would still be crying and being shouted at for making him so angry that he just had to shout...

Yes, I remember you.

Much good wisdom already.

Here's what I'll add:

As long as your focus
is anywhere other than
on your own self-care
and well-being,
these issues will continue.

Begin to move your focus
onto the regular
and consistent
practice of SELF-CARE.

SELF-CARE
means making choices
that contribute to your
maintenance and
nurturance.

It could be getting
your nails done
or it could be
seeing the dentist,
getting appropriate
medical screening
and doing your taxes.

It could be seeing friends
or it could be checking
the air in your tires
before you go to see them.

SELF-CARE could be
getting therapy with a
qualified therapist to
work on rebuidling
yourself, or it could
be going to a
mindless movie
that makes you
laugh so hard
you pee.

Self-care can be
anything that
contributes to
your well-being,
today and for
everyday
going forward.

When you do this,
your focus on things
that detract from your
well-being, will begin
to diminish and eventually
become extinguished.

That's my best suggestion.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

p.s. -----

His abuse
was NOT
your imagination.

You are a precious
flower on the stem
of the universe.

Please. . . . LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry that seeking out therapy is frowned upon, i get it. People are so judgemental here as well as to think anyone seeking out help is weak and crazy. But not so. We are the strong courageous ones that arent hiding from our problems and pain, rather we are working it through and becoming stronger. Come here and talk to us...we will help you through it and give our best advice, wisdom, and what we have lived through. xoxox

Thanks Ilene...Thanks for the support you provided and still do...
You made me smile today.
Sadly, I was again going to place where my focus was my past and my x.

It took me years to just start doing small things for myself and start seeing beauty in life again.
Wanting to live again, smile again, be loved and love back again...
It took time and lots of bad dayssss which ultimately led to me not waking up scared but confident and in control.

It has to be about me again...

I am telling something off track here.
But this post yesterday helped me tackle another issue.


I went home and blocked my abusive x on fb.
The message that came was that we are sorry that you had to face this and blah blah when I clicked on block him.
The first thing that came to my mind was "You have no idea how sorry I myself am that I had to face HIM and face him for five damn long years..."
Then for the first time I started saying some really bad words for him...First time, I didn't say that I don't want to say anything bad about anyone.
I said all the bad words I could remember...And it felt so damn good...
I was back in control...

The other issue...
Then, I saw another request..From an old "friend"...Lying there for sooo long..
During the end of my relationship with my x, she had visited him and talked to him and helped hime to "GET OVER ME"...
I hated her for this..I had stopped talking to her but even then she still sent him scraps and met him.
I was never able to think, let alone think it loud, that what she did was pure evil.
I justied her every time in my mind that because I stopped talking to her when she started talking to him, she did what she did.
For the first time in my life, I accepted that she was WRONG.
A friend does not go to meet your x, when she knows how much pain he caused her (I cried like everyday infront of her during the end of relationship).
They don't tells the deep secrets & painful truths you tell them as you trust them to the same person who is the reason of that pain.
No she isn't a friend..Rather, far beyond that.
I BLOCKED HER too.

I felt sooooo good...
Sorry for such long post...
But wanted to get it off my chest.

Thanks Butterfly..Thank you so much..The support I got here is the reason for my smile today and everyday.

"Only when we are no longer afraid, we begin to live"-- Dorothy Thompson

I am no longer afraid... :-)

AWESOME