Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I recently became homeless after a foreclosure, and a man in his 60's/70's who's supposed to be helping me is more and more becoming a problem. I've just moved into a house that he's renovating and that I'm sharing with another woman, but I'm dealing with a lot of controlling behavior from this guy and for the past month or so he's been making comments that are both discouraging and at times even unkind. He has very perfectionistic standards about housekeeping, etc. and even though he's not related to me, and certainly NOT married to me or going out with me, he seems to feel he has the right to take contol of my life. I'm very unhappy in my situation and I want out, but I don't know what to do. I'm trying desperately to get work or some kind of financial help so I can get my own place and live on my own---the homeless shelter in my city does NOT seem like a feasible option.
The thing of it is, this guy can be nice at times, then just when I think I've totally misjudged him he starts giving me a hard time about something or other, and refuses to listen when I insist I'm doing the best I can (and in spite of the fact that I'm handicapped AND walking with a cane). This person seems to have no tolerance for weakness, doesn't understand emotional problems or grief (I lost my father AND our house practically the same year, in 2009). In fact, he's still pestering his ex-wife, who's completely disgusted with his manipulative and controlling behavior but can't seem to get away from him.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to; I only know that I can't take much more from this person and need a way out.
Am I just seeing something that isn't there? I've been pretty depressed and messed up since losing my dad and the house, but I don't feel that I'm crazy and imagining this---especially since I've talked to other people (mainly women) who feel the same way.
The thing of it is, this guy can be nice at times, then just when I think I've totally misjudged him he starts giving me a hard time about something or other, and refuses to listen when I insist I'm doing the best I can (and in spite of the fact that I'm handicapped AND walking with a cane). This person seems to have no tolerance for weakness, doesn't understand emotional problems or grief (I lost my father AND our house practically the same year, in 2009). In fact, he's still pestering his ex-wife, who's completely disgusted with his manipulative and controlling behavior but can't seem to get away from him.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to; I only know that I can't take much more from this person and need a way out.
Am I just seeing something that isn't there? I've been pretty depressed and messed up since losing my dad and the house, but I don't feel that I'm crazy and imagining this---especially since I've talked to other people (mainly women) who feel the same way.
Is he connected to the person who owns the property? Can you possibly ask for someone else to work on renovating the house? Do other people around you see it?
There must be more places you can live in than this "situation". You REALLY don't need this aggrivation after losing your father and your job. There must be some way that you can get out of this situation,so you can rebiuld your life positively. I'll pray that all goes well for you.
Tom B. aka Ihman
I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
From what you've described about this guy, you are NOT "just seeing something that isn't there." If you're hurting, that's a sign of someone perpetrating abusive behavior.
And abuse is abuse.
It doesn't matter if it's a parent, a child, a partner, an employer, a landlord, a neighbor, a "friend," --------- an abuser is an abuser.
I suggest you visit your local women's center. Tell them you're the target of emotional abuse in the arrangement you've been trying to make a go of. They should have resources that could assist you.
Abusers don't change
or rather
when they change
it's virtually always
for the WORSE.
No one has a right to talk to you like you are a bad person.
No one!
I hope you get to something better.
I know how it is.
I too depend on someone financially who talks to me in a not-nice way.
Billi
The other woman (she was homeless) who was supposed to be staying at the house took off a few days after this post; not because of any problems with him, but problems of her own. I don't miss her because she wasn't helping me out around the house, acted weird, was eating too much of my food (I'm on food stamps; though I don't mind sharing within reason, some people abuse that) and seemed to be doing NOTHING to take care of herself. One bit of poetic justice, though: she took the guy's radio with her.
This person, who may or may not have mental issues anyway, has a thing about recruiting homeless people to help fix up houses and stuff. The problem is, I'm not sure if he pays them (or at least pays them enough). As for this house I'm staying at, it was only half-livable when I moved into it June 7. He's supposedly made "an agreement" with the neighbors (or whoever) to take care of the place, and what I heard was that he was allegedly paying $400 a month for that wreck. Whether he's the actual landlord or renting the place himself, I don't know yet---there have been conflicting stories coming from him. These days, tenants are having tenants of their own in order to make extra money. Whatever the case, there has been no actual agreement, oral or written, between him and myself. My own understanding of the situation was that I was to help take care of the place and (supposedly) do computer work for him and sell stuff. I had a long talk with his ex-wife, who is VERY supportive to me and has given me a part-time job at her shop, and she got on the guy's case about fixing the stuff. Since then, there is now a shower available, and the bathroom and my bedroom both have doors on them (though the bedroom door does not yet have a knob with a lock---and he'd BETTER include a lock). Still, there is not yet a kitchen sink, there are still filthy carpets in the place, and the only means to cook is the microwave.
In spite of all this, he's been getting up in my business and giving me pressure about rent, wanting to know if I've gotten a job yet or government assistance, adding "the first (of the month) is right around the corner", meaning a demand for rent. The man knows blasted well what my situation is, and I've been trying like crazy to find work. Moreover, general assistance will do nothing for me unless I exhaust all the loan value in my life insurance, and I've run into a snag on that lately. The other night, he even came by the house after midnight wanting to find the charger for his cellphone, which had been left behind during the day; and he was annoyed because I had locked one of the locks on the screen door, thus making him have to knock instead of using his key to barge in.
I'm getting more and more fed up with this character, and in spite of my stress and anxiety about him I'm feeling somewhat more empowered now and will do whatever it takes to get out of this situation. I WILL have a talk with them down at Human Services, and explain my situation to them; I'll also see about getting ahold of some women's group if they have one here. But I am now not going to allow myself to feel helpless in this situation. I'm avoiding this person as much as possible, I've even stood up to him a few times, and if things get (God forbid) ugly I know people to talk to and am learning what my options are. But I have to say, if this person is deliberately exploiting homeless people and people like me for his own selfish ends, he'd better change his heart or he's headed for a whole lot of grief. What goes around DOES come around, after all.