Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
when he says 'i did not understand' he means " I did understand and know know how bad my behavior was and I can not face it.
when he says ' you are controlling' he means that you are confronting him on his behavior and he does not like it.
when he says ' you never let anything go' he means that he is angry that you still remember and are still hurt because of his behavior.
When he calls you an abuser what he means is that you are standing up to him or beating him at his own game and he does not like it
when he says that everyone failed what he means is he failed but he can not take ownership of his failure so he has to bring others to his level
( just some notes from the trenches)
when he says ' you are controlling' he means that you are confronting him on his behavior and he does not like it.
when he says ' you never let anything go' he means that he is angry that you still remember and are still hurt because of his behavior.
When he calls you an abuser what he means is that you are standing up to him or beating him at his own game and he does not like it
when he says that everyone failed what he means is he failed but he can not take ownership of his failure so he has to bring others to his level
( just some notes from the trenches)
I am told that I smother him if I ask him anything about what he has been doing...of course I can't even leave the house while he is out without an approved reason or all hell will break loose.
What he really means is do as I say not as I do!
What they say vs. what they mean. Learning abuser-speak is very beneficial in helping us understand that nothing they say can be taken at face value! They speak backwards & react oppositely of how a normal person would.
You gave classic examples!
Yes, Dee, everyone is correct and so are you.
and if you stand up to it, you'll be called the abuser, and subject to further abuse.
I could give countless examples of the transferral abuse he has written since i left.
Everything he has done or is as a person he states i am, blame, blame, blame.
He knows exactly what he does and what he says.
Deflects their insensitivity on to something you (the victim) apparently lacks...thereby deserving of abuse.
This is why when some who post on here looking for support I tend to question if they are truly the victim. This may sound jaded but I have seen my h play the victim all too well. and so I am more wary of some.
My h now says that he was manipulated by the former friend and that he was a victim and I am so sorry but willing participants are not victims..but this is what he has to do in order to live with him self and so he really is the one who suffering for it.
with each day I get stronger and more of myself back and that is good
I stood up for myself and kindly told him that I don't like that, and wanted him to stop. I got a big old lecture of the lack of humor I must have, along with how if he can't feel free to communicate the way he wants, he'll just shut down, and then where will we be??
Very effed up!
My first husband -- I have known him 30 years, and we are close today -- never once called me a B**** or any other demeaning name, nor did he ever raise his voice at me (and certainly never his hand). That is why I found it so shocking when stbx did so.
Thanks for posting the abuser-speak Dee -- especially the one where if you stand up to him, you are abusive! Give me a break!
However, let me say this...when an abuser calls you names like that, he is dehumanizing you. By making you "less human" it becomes more acceptable for him to continue to abuse you. It is classic. By calling me a "slug" he put me with slimy unworthy creatures that crawled in the dirt beneath his shoes...and I began to believe it. Now, I KNOW that could not be further from the truth and he was out to destroy me!!!
"i don't remember"
means: "i do remember but i am going to deny it so i can then tel you that your memory of the situation is wrong and how it really must have happened... and by the way i don't remember so if you then tell me i'm wrong well, i didn't remember anyway but at least i made you doubt yourself or told you that it wasn't real."
"i'm not saying that you're wrong...j"
means: "i'm saying that you're wrong."
"i'm not saying that i'm right..."
means: "i'm saying that i'm right."
"we're both human, we all make mistakes"
means: "you've made mistakes too which means that it's ok for me to be abusive."
"i'm sure it didn't happen like that"
means: "it did happen like that but that's something i'm not going to admit."
"you just can't take a joke"
means: "i know it hurts you but i want to be able to keep doing it so i'm going to tell you that you're the one in the wrong."
"I did it for you... because i love you so much"
means: "there is no reason why i did it apart from for myself and my own gain. it was unacceptable and i can't justify it so i will say that it was because i love you so much. so that you feel unable to question me."
"i didn't realise that it hurt you"
means: "i didn't listen when you told me it hurt you" or...
"i wouldn't let you tell me it hurt you and i ignored you when you cried and it doesn't mean that i won't do it again if i need too"
or
"this justifies why i was unacceptable. this also can be a justification as to why i am unacceptable in the future. you can't argue with it because you don't know what i was thinking or feeling."
"you didn't tell me how you were feeling"
means: "i didn't let you tell me how you were feeling and in fact i told you that you were wrong and denied your feelings."
"i need you"
means: "i need you."
notice that it does not mean "i love you".
I heard it all...the lies, blame, name calling, twisted excuses, demands and threats.