Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have constantly questioned myself and my own actions when going through all the feelings after we break up again. I am not the one who tries to contact him. I am thinking that since he is the one who keeps trying to text or email and talk me into giving it another try that sort of establishes the truth about who the abusive partner really is right?
I mean I try every time to move forward and let it go but he never will give up. He just wants to do the same thing to me over and over. He said some harsh things like I don't want him to be a good father because my parents weren't good to me and that I am jealous because he is such a good father. I sort of thought about that and maybe he's right to an extent but that doesn't change the fact that his kids are all screwed up because of his parenting (spoiling, lack of discipline, letting them be disrespectful to him and others, irresponsible, and more). He said this to me because I many times would say when I would see him not take care of a problem with one of his grown kids and I would say "If I had done that my dad would have never given me what I wanted" etc...
I think when I say those things I am trying to get through to him that what he is doing is not helping his kids. I don't think of it as jealousy at all. I think that's another ploy for him to demean me into something I am not.
I know I"m not perfect but I did do a good job raising my son who had a lot of issues (Bi-Polar, ADHD, Seizure disorder, and he was a gifted child). I include gifted because it comes with many social and emotional issues its not really a gift sometimes. But through all of my sons medical and mental problems the result of my parenting sure paid off. It was hard work, it was harder than giving in to him when he had a fit, or giving him things he didn't need, or disciplining him when he needed to be instead of ignore the behavior and doing nothing. I can see a huge difference in my parenting and his and he got 3 tries !
I had one child and one chance to get it right. I know that there is always a chance even if your the best kind of parent that your child might go the wrong direction especially during the teenage years but I couldn't ask for a better son who is now 19. He is respectful, thoughtful, honest, smart, caring, and he always anticipates others needs while at the same time making sure his own are in tact. He is the best kid and I have heard it from teachers, my cousin, his friends parents, and all of his doctors etc.. I always get compliments in what a nice, good looking, well mannered young man he is.
I guess the key to all this is to see that my input was just not wanted or accepted by my ex and we never did agree on parenting styles at all which is probably one great big reason why it could never work and never did.
We have different values, morals, and ideas about what is right and wrong. He is more the type to let his kids disrespect someone - even older family members and act like it has nothing to do with him. I have seen his kids act snotty to their elders in his family while he sits back and does nothing. Thats the sort of thing I dont agree with at all.
I think a parent needs to take an active role in modeling for their children the proper respect and behavior especially when they are at someones house.
He would have is 30 year old daughter and her two young sons over for dinner and the whole time she would sit on the couch texting while I'm chasing her boys around making sure they are not going to get hurt or hurt something else. He would say nothing. I would say "If that was my son I would tell him to put the phone down and take care of his kids." he would always say "I'll talk to her" but he never did and she would do the same thing the next time she would come. I guess that sort of thing is interpreted by him to be my jealousy?
It got to the point where my son and I didn't want them here anymore because of all the things that happened when they came. I could not live the way they do.
I figure this is one big huge reason to stick to NC and move on the best I can. There are many more reasons why but that's a big one because really all the relationships I tried to have with his kids have ended up in them betraying me behind my back. One is 17, one is 30, and one is almost 32. I do not like how they are at all. My son can't stand them and I feel I made him put up with so much over the years I can't do it anymore to myself but especially to my son. He has nightmares that I go back with him again and about his kids being here.
I mean I try every time to move forward and let it go but he never will give up. He just wants to do the same thing to me over and over. He said some harsh things like I don't want him to be a good father because my parents weren't good to me and that I am jealous because he is such a good father. I sort of thought about that and maybe he's right to an extent but that doesn't change the fact that his kids are all screwed up because of his parenting (spoiling, lack of discipline, letting them be disrespectful to him and others, irresponsible, and more). He said this to me because I many times would say when I would see him not take care of a problem with one of his grown kids and I would say "If I had done that my dad would have never given me what I wanted" etc...
I think when I say those things I am trying to get through to him that what he is doing is not helping his kids. I don't think of it as jealousy at all. I think that's another ploy for him to demean me into something I am not.
I know I"m not perfect but I did do a good job raising my son who had a lot of issues (Bi-Polar, ADHD, Seizure disorder, and he was a gifted child). I include gifted because it comes with many social and emotional issues its not really a gift sometimes. But through all of my sons medical and mental problems the result of my parenting sure paid off. It was hard work, it was harder than giving in to him when he had a fit, or giving him things he didn't need, or disciplining him when he needed to be instead of ignore the behavior and doing nothing. I can see a huge difference in my parenting and his and he got 3 tries !
I had one child and one chance to get it right. I know that there is always a chance even if your the best kind of parent that your child might go the wrong direction especially during the teenage years but I couldn't ask for a better son who is now 19. He is respectful, thoughtful, honest, smart, caring, and he always anticipates others needs while at the same time making sure his own are in tact. He is the best kid and I have heard it from teachers, my cousin, his friends parents, and all of his doctors etc.. I always get compliments in what a nice, good looking, well mannered young man he is.
I guess the key to all this is to see that my input was just not wanted or accepted by my ex and we never did agree on parenting styles at all which is probably one great big reason why it could never work and never did.
We have different values, morals, and ideas about what is right and wrong. He is more the type to let his kids disrespect someone - even older family members and act like it has nothing to do with him. I have seen his kids act snotty to their elders in his family while he sits back and does nothing. Thats the sort of thing I dont agree with at all.
I think a parent needs to take an active role in modeling for their children the proper respect and behavior especially when they are at someones house.
He would have is 30 year old daughter and her two young sons over for dinner and the whole time she would sit on the couch texting while I'm chasing her boys around making sure they are not going to get hurt or hurt something else. He would say nothing. I would say "If that was my son I would tell him to put the phone down and take care of his kids." he would always say "I'll talk to her" but he never did and she would do the same thing the next time she would come. I guess that sort of thing is interpreted by him to be my jealousy?
It got to the point where my son and I didn't want them here anymore because of all the things that happened when they came. I could not live the way they do.
I figure this is one big huge reason to stick to NC and move on the best I can. There are many more reasons why but that's a big one because really all the relationships I tried to have with his kids have ended up in them betraying me behind my back. One is 17, one is 30, and one is almost 32. I do not like how they are at all. My son can't stand them and I feel I made him put up with so much over the years I can't do it anymore to myself but especially to my son. He has nightmares that I go back with him again and about his kids being here.
Please try not to question yourself any more.
You ARE doing the right thing!!!!!!
(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Even though you're no longer in the relationship, you might want to check out a very empowering book. It's called "The Emotionally-Destructive Relationship" by Leslie Vernick.
I hope that helps. Hang in there!
#2015MyYearForChange
#Livn'ItUpInCO