Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So literally within 2 minutes of posting my "I hate the flip flop game" I get the following email from my husband. Can anyone help me objectively interpret this? I encourage all opinions. To me, this comes off as he has now rescinded his acceptance of emotional abuse. As I said I encourage all opinions because if I my interpretation is wrong I want to know. Thank you.
BELOW EMAIL FROM MY HUSBAND:
*******Please read the article below and try to practice this in your life daily. I know its not easy but I am here to encourage you as you are for me. Ive seen the quote below in many places and it is so true.
How you feel about yourself sets the standard for how others treat you
You deserve better.....I deserve better.....I want to do this together and I hope eventually you will to. Please try to replace negative thoughts in your head of being a victim in an unhealthy relationship with thoughts of our relationship being a work in progress. I am sorry it took me so long to realize and address the negative behaviours that existed in our marriage. I do believe that persistent positive thinking combined with counselling in healthy communication and listening skills are important to building self confidence and to rebuilding our relationship. I also strongly believe that thoughts create feelings and this mindset will revive the feelings of love you once had for me.
I know you stated that you are not wanting to take this leap, and I do respect that, but I cant help but to keep trying. I cant just sit on the sidelines without giving all I have to save what is most important to me in this life (you and this family). *********
BELOW EMAIL FROM MY HUSBAND:
*******Please read the article below and try to practice this in your life daily. I know its not easy but I am here to encourage you as you are for me. Ive seen the quote below in many places and it is so true.
How you feel about yourself sets the standard for how others treat you
You deserve better.....I deserve better.....I want to do this together and I hope eventually you will to. Please try to replace negative thoughts in your head of being a victim in an unhealthy relationship with thoughts of our relationship being a work in progress. I am sorry it took me so long to realize and address the negative behaviours that existed in our marriage. I do believe that persistent positive thinking combined with counselling in healthy communication and listening skills are important to building self confidence and to rebuilding our relationship. I also strongly believe that thoughts create feelings and this mindset will revive the feelings of love you once had for me.
I know you stated that you are not wanting to take this leap, and I do respect that, but I cant help but to keep trying. I cant just sit on the sidelines without giving all I have to save what is most important to me in this life (you and this family). *********
Building Self-Esteem with Affirmations
Posted on June 27, 2012 by Emily Roberts MA, LPC
Building self-esteem involves reprogramming negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. We cannot simply replace the negative statements. They have been living with us for a long time; for some, a lifetime. Using affirmations can help change these negative thoughts and allow you to consciously and subconsciously focus on the positive, which is a valuable tool in building self-esteem.
don't
"accept"
that they're
abusive.
Whatever they may
say at the outset is
an attempt to
buy time
to find a way
to regain
control
over you.
Sounds like something my husband could have written.
Firstly, I would file the email away and not look at it for 24 hours. Or at least 12. :-)
I don't know your history, Confused. I know you want him to accept and admit that he's abusive. And I know that others here have said abusers never/rarely admit to abuse.
To *me* this sounds like he is trying to change the story. He is trying to lay the responsibility on you - at least partly. DO NOT ACCEPT. He is also violating a clear boundary you established - it sounds like - when he says, "I know you stated that you are not wanting to take this leap, ... but I can't help but to keep trying."
My husband flipped and flopped like this all the time. He went so far as to admit he had a serious problem with anger -- all the way back to it's my problem because I'm too sensitive and my mother brainwashed me against him.
I'm really hesitant to say point-blank what I think, or especially to say what I think you should do in response (I know you didn't ask for that). It sounds like he's pulling out all the lovey-dovey stops to stop you from leaving when you have already decided to leave. Which is manipulation - to my mind.
What has helped me in the past is to wait, when I got a letter or phone call or email like this. Not respond, and see what the next communication I got from my husband was. Usually it was along the lines of, "Why are you being such a c-word and not responding to me!!??" Which gave me a lot more insight into the reality under his words of reconciliation.
This is a really ICKY GROSS email to get. BLECH.
you deserve better I deserve better - so he's already saying that he's not taking responsibility. And that your negative thoughts are the problem
Like swampkitty said - this could be almost word for word of my ex-husband's email. they all do the same thing. it's spooky
Trust your gut, it won't let you down.
In his mind: he told you that he accepted he was abusive. When that was apparently enough to keep you from leaving, he's now scaled it back to the problems being 50/50 - but with him more willing to work on them than you, so really more like 60/40 with you being the 60. And if you appear to accept that, slowly or quickly, the 60/40 will slide (either directly or in increments) to 100/0.
Yep, give him a chance, and he will go all the way from accepting that he was abusive to ensuring you know that the problems in the relationship are entirely your fault - but he's too good a guy to just give up on you, no matter how awful you are.
Not to mention, as jennifer said, he's trampled all over a boundary, AGAIN. I see it so often, and I just love the "I respect your boundary, but I'm now going to ignore it because it doesn't fit with what I want - and I'm going to do it in such a way that I also make myself out to be a great guy for doing it".
It's same old, same old.
This is how I feel but he also spins things to make me seriously question myself.
I just keep journaling everything he tells me, because the last week he has been also focusing on pointing out/eluding to because of my "lack of planning and procrastinating" he has had to take on more responsbility and alter his schedule, and lets not forget his digs at me that I am not properly taking care of my kids because I let my son eat yogurt for breakfast, but then turns and says its both of us, blah blah blah blah........ Crazy making???
I can't wait until the day I break free. I am so glad I have somewhere to come to to vent and get support, thank you for your support everyone, I can never thank you enough even though I don't personally know you but you are all angels in my eyes. This is a really tough thing to go through and its nice to know I'm not doing it alone.
Thank you!!! Have a great day! =)
big hugs