I was born into an abusive family, My dad abused my mom physically and luckily I only got hurt physically a couple of times and not too badly. My mom was an alcoholic. She also has schizophrenic Paranoia. I was born "blind", or so they call it since my amount of sight doesn't even count. I was constantly told I wasn't good enough. No, you can't do that, you are blind. No, you are not as good as your sister, etc. I moved away in my 20s and had a lot of issues. I was still a kid in my mind. I have Aspergers that was never diagnosed which came with my eye issues as well as ADHD. I had to learn how to live on my own when I had been taught little to nothing about myself. Anyway, years later, my mom gets cancer and I am the only one who has money to help her. "I have been on disability since birth". So, I moved in with her and took care of her financially for 15 years. My mom was constantly yelling at me for anything wrong she found in me. My room wasn't clean enough, my laundry wasn't done, I wasn't helpful enough. Well, she got messed up by a doctor who was negligent and had TERRIBLE chronic pain where she'd be bawling her eyes out in my arms, telling me she can't take it anymore. I just held her and wished to god he would make things better. During all of that, my drug addicted brother stole everything we had, threw parties when mom was in the hospital, dirtied everything I cleaned, made my life a living hell. As mom started seeing some relief, he only got worse. Breaking doors, putting holes in walls, even held a gun up to his head and then choked my mom. Once when he was so messed up that he tried to set some random neighbors car on fire, he told me the devil told him to kill me. During all of this, I was isolated. I can't drive due to my eyesight and he stole the car or his friends stole it so much that I was losing it. I ended up throwing myself into video games and did nothing else all those years. I woke up, I games. I gamed till I passed out from exhaustion. I tried to go to college but half the time I wasn't even able to make it due to my brother stealing the car or my mom complaining about taking me because she's in pain. Finally, the event that ended my college education and sent me into a deep depression for nearly a year. My brother's drugged up girlfriend beat the heck out of my mom. Blood everywhere. I had to hold the girl down by laying on her till the cops came. The cops took my mom to the hospital and said that if we keep calling them that they won't come anymore... They were very worried about me as there was blood all over the house and I was drenched in it. I had to throw away my socks and soak my shorts. Every time I heard them calling for me, chills ran up and down my spine. I wanted to die but I'm just not the kind of person who can do that kinda thing. My mom was constantly belittling me, pointing out EVERY flaw, making me feel guilty for her situation... In the end, my self-esteem and self-worth were at an all-time low. I wanted my brother to die for a while and near the end of my rope, I even hit him with a machete because he was threatening my mom. I felt like I had to take care of her so... I hate myself for hitting him with it. I am NOT an aggressive person. I was just so tired of everything and so hopeless. He is the only person I've ever hit.

I moved in October to another state. My life has changed so much in these few months but... I get flashbacks. That is why I'm here tonight. I just get these extremely strong emotions and start to bawl. I also have been having nightmares. I am afraid of making people upset and when I do I hate myself.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I just needed to tell somebody. Nobody knows everything I went through and everybody just acts like I can spring back and be perfectly fine but I'm NOT FINE. I feel like most of my life was stolen from me. It's so unfair. I want to live in my own world where everybody loves each other and there is no hurt.