janine -----

I'm so very, VERY sorry that you're going through this hell.


The only way your world will change for the better
is to get help and GET OUT.

Here's the number for your state's d.v. resources:

(800) 932-4632


Please CALL IT.


Life with your abuser will only get worse.
It will get worse for you and worse for
your baby. Your child will grow up
believing that a husband abuses.
I know you don't want that.

Please call the number and
develop a SAFETY PLAN to
get yourself and your son
to a BETTER LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last time I checked, 3 yr olds spill things. A lot!!

I'm so sorry that you have to live that way and I hope you can fun a way for you and your child to leave.

AARRRRRGGHHHHH!!!!!

this was SO my life for SO many years!!!!!!

anything my kids did was my fault!!!! I only have 2 hands and I don't have eyes on the back of my head!

one time, we got our kids 2 sets of walky talky's for christmas, so they had 4 of them.

a few days later, a bunch of friends came over, and they all played with them, running around the house talking to each other.

at the end of the day, there were only 3 left. one had gone missing.

my husband FREAKED! he had me and the kids searching then entire house. couldn't find it.

the next morning before work he goes 'you had better find that walky talky before I get home from work!!!'

me and the kids spent HOURS looking, and I remember that feeling of absolute DREAD when we didn't find it..

and checking the time every 2 minutes, heart sinking when I see his car pull up, and how mad he was a me, at the kids..the kids crying, because it was WASN'T THEIR FAULT!!! one of their friends had put it somewhere but didn't remember when..

then of course, he starts in on how the reason it's lost is because I'm such a lousy housekeeper (not true..we have lots of stuff, and it's a big house, but most certainly not a pig sty!)...

I just remember my kids sitting on their beds,crying, and the look of stress on their faces....

I finally left, 8 months ago...and what an incredible difference to the quality of my life!

last night, me and the kids went out to my sisters (he thinks she's 'dirty') we stayed past bedtime!

then, when we got home, me and my youngest ran and played in the park across the street, kicking seedy dandelions..

then we came in, and the kids asked to stay up a little later, so we had chips and salsa and lemonade...

if I was still with him, NONE of this would have happened.

NONE of it.

I do things based upon how I feel, and how it suits my children.

I used to do thing entirely based on the fear of my husband getting mad.

@rachel; Thanks so much for sharing your success story! The dread you describe so fits the dread I felt about my dad coming home; we never knew when the shit would hit the fan. The difference is that my mom stayed with him, so we had this kind of stress all our lives.
It's affected me in my relationships all though my adult life and I've struggled to find a healthy, normal man. Today I struggle to accept that calm is normal and living without the daily dose of gut-wrenching stress is actually a good thing!

You did a wonderful thing for your children by freeing them to live as happy, normal kids!
((((hugs))))

Its always our fault isn't it and who truly pays for it is the kids who have to listen to them go on and on about nothing really, I hate having to see my son worried what his dad is going to say or if he will get upset. He's a very emotional child and his feelings get hurt easily but they shouldn't get hurt over trivial things that normal parents would just clean up the mess and let it go. Thats how i try and handle things with my son and he knows he always has a soft place to fall with me. And I make sure that he knows that he is a great kid and reassure him that sometimes dad is rude and he shouldnt be that way when he doesnt deserve it. I know all too well and agree with Rachelrachel that I can't wait for the day when we are free to be able to stay out past a certain time or we can go do something so harmless as going to a friends house to play with other kids, that we are doing nothing wrong, just enjoying life, Im so tired of feeling that i have to ask permission to do things or that if he is not along we are leaving him out or not spending enough time with him, by the way thats all we do is spend time with him. He thinks weekends and weeknight are family time and that we shouldn't go do anything on our own, sometimes i just need some girl time or go to my moms without having him tag along every where we go, I need freedom, freedom from him and freedom from his stress that he holds over my head.

Its always our fault isn't it and who truly pays for it is the kids who have to listen to them go on and on about nothing really, I hate having to see my son worried what his dad is going to say or if he will get upset. He's a very emotional child and his feelings get hurt easily but they shouldn't get hurt over trivial things that normal parents would just clean up the mess and let it go. Thats how i try and handle things with my son and he knows he always has a soft place to fall with me. And I make sure that he knows that he is a great kid and reassure him that sometimes dad is rude and he shouldnt be that way when he doesnt deserve it. I know all too well and agree with Rachelrachel that I can't wait for the day when we are free to be able to stay out past a certain time or we can go do something so harmless as going to a friends house to play with other kids, that we are doing nothing wrong, just enjoying life, Im so tired of feeling that i have to ask permission to do things or that if he is not along we are leaving him out or not spending enough time with him, by the way thats all we do is spend time with him. He thinks weekends and weeknight are family time and that we shouldn't go do anything on our own, sometimes i just need some girl time or go to my moms without having him tag along every where we go, I need freedom, freedom from him and freedom from his stress that he holds over my head.

Its always our fault isn't it and who truly pays for it is the kids who have to listen to them go on and on about nothing really, I hate having to see my son worried what his dad is going to say or if he will get upset. He's a very emotional child and his feelings get hurt easily but they shouldn't get hurt over trivial things that normal parents would just clean up the mess and let it go. Thats how i try and handle things with my son and he knows he always has a soft place to fall with me. And I make sure that he knows that he is a great kid and reassure him that sometimes dad is rude and he shouldnt be that way when he doesnt deserve it. I know all too well and agree with Rachelrachel that I can't wait for the day when we are free to be able to stay out past a certain time or we can go do something so harmless as going to a friends house to play with other kids, that we are doing nothing wrong, just enjoying life, Im so tired of feeling that i have to ask permission to do things or that if he is not along we are leaving him out or not spending enough time with him, by the way thats all we do is spend time with him. He thinks weekends and weeknight are family time and that we shouldn't go do anything on our own, sometimes i just need some girl time or go to my moms without having him tag along every where we go, I need freedom, freedom from him and freedom from his stress that he holds over my head.

Thank you so much for even looking at this . Sometimes I think Im the crazy one but I know Im not. I know that I do have to end this just for the reason of my kids having a better life . It just a matter of me being able to and finding the strenght I know I have . Thank you again it means alot to hear from each and everyone of you girls

I can't even honestly say that it was a sense of strength that got me out..

I think it was fear, and being backed into a corner..

fear can be an incredible gift. it was for me.

Please check out youarenotcrazy.com. Because you are not crazy, you just feel that way because of him.

I have three kids and my ex would freak out if they spilled something (daily occurrence) and berated me for not having a tablecloth on the table when I had 3 kids under the age of 6, yelled at my older son for wetting the bed (Oh, thanks, Dad, that helps a lot!). Nothing we did was good enough. And I thought I was going crazy, too. Now I'm out and have distance and perspective and, man, HE is definitely the crazy one!

Hugs and strength. You can have a better life.

Oh, and for me, it wasn't strength at all that got me out. It was hitting rock bottom. It was the awareness that he is an abuser and he will never change and that if I stayed, my kids would learn that behavior and mess up their lives and in turn treat me just like their father did. When I left, I was weak and very low. Not strong.

For me, it was knowing
I'd gotten so emotionally
sick that I was ready to
end my life.

I knew that what I wanted ti
end was my life WITH HIM.

And now. . . . my life is

WONDERFUL.


Thank GOD the action
I took to end my pain
was to LEAVE, rather
than to end my life!!!!!!!!

Janine you are definitely not crazy. Check out the website as suggested and start learning all the signs. Once you become better educated on abuse you will get a better idea of what you need to do for yourself and your kids.

Life is hard when you work and have little ones. I remember that phase of my life very well. He needs to take more responsibility for the kids, but unfortunately he won't.

Its good you found DS. There are many many wise people here to help you!

For me, it was anger. Anger at him for being treating me badly and anger at myself for accepting it for so long.

I finally got sick and tired of being the stepping stone.

Please listen to these wise women, janine. You aren't crazy and you do NOT deserve what he's doing to you. Nor do your children.

For me, it wasn't strength that got me out or even hitting rock bottom (though I did - I also was suicidal). What got me out was looking at my precious baby boy and thinking about what I wanted for him. I looked at him and I wondered how on earth he could ever grow up to respect me if I didn't respect myself enough to walk away from the horrible treatment my husband was dishing out. I wondered how he could ever have a loving relationship if what was modelled to him was the abusive relationship between his parents.

I didn't have the strength to get out to save myself, but I knew I had to get out to save my son. Three years later, he's now a happy and well-balanced 4 year old with an absolute heart of gold. He has the strength to stand up to bullies, and the courage and compassion to protect others from bullies (so I was told by one of the other mothers at his pre-school, whose daughter has apparently benefited from his protection). He is not growing up like his father; he is not learning that everything is my fault and that the world must revolve around his father's moods. And for that, I am incredibly grateful.

You can't change him, but you can give yourself and your children a chance at happiness, a life of freedom from that fear.