Right now things between my abuser and me are at an even stand, he still living at his mom's, comes stay with me during the weekends, and we are not arguing as much, we mainly are just co existing, in my case it's because I want him to stay, I love him and don't want to lose him.
I am working at not losing myself in him like I did before where I feel like I "need" him. I am staying in contact with family and friends, and also still have my emergancy safety plan in order. And I have money stashed so I can get away for a bit if I have to.
When I was working on no contact with him, It was so hard at first, I cried for days on end, and went through such a deep depression, I went so far as to think of suicide, not bearing the thought of living with out him. The only thing that kept me going was my children. I focused on my children and work. It was like thunk, thunk, thunk. I was totally like a square tire. I barely took a shower every day, but self care was important. I would just stand in the shower and cry. Seems odd though thinking about the abuse I went through how much I still "needed" him around. It's so weird
So, towards the last week of no contact, something inside me broke, and I seemed to get angry at him and felt pity too. But I felt like I gained a power over myself and a confidence in doing things and realized that there was a possibility I could live with out him.
Well when that finally happened, and I was ready to start moving forward with my life, he text me, and I buckled completely.
Inside of me I am asking myself daily what are you doing? I remember the torment that he gave me and I remember the abuse he did to me, and I still yet am hanging onto the hope that things will be different this time. I still yet want my happily ever after, and as things stand right now, I am happy, and we laugh at the small things, and enjoy the time that we do spend together with each other.
Jealousy was a huge thing for both of us, and I believe it was because of him cheating. I wonder sometimes if there is someone else, and have to push it way, way, way to the back of my head, because I think by me entertaining these thoughts I will just start over at square one with my accusations, and will not trust him anymore. Should I question him yet? I will just keep my eyes open and look for the "obvious" signs.
Him being jealous of me, well yeah he has accused me of cheating, but I have deterred him from this area. I hope. (Gosh I sound like such an idiot at times, because I feel like I am taking up for him) One day I told him; "can you work on your jealousy of me? I love you, I only think of you, and I want to be with just you" He agreed that he would try. I haven't heard any more accusations since.
I am afraid of the volcano affect, but I am sure keeping people around me most of the time so that things don't spiral out of control.
He has been sweet the most part. And I don't ask much of him except that he be there for me and my children and just enjoy our togetherness and not expect me to be a super genius.
There is still emotional abuse, but I am calling him on it every time. such as: "your such a f**k up!"
me: Don't call me a f**k up! I don't like it when you call me names.
HIm: i'm sorry
me: I forgive you
him: but you do
me: I said don't call me a f**k up!
him: ok I won't
sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't, but he is hearing me say I don't like being called names.
I know no one is perfect and I am trying to look past his short comings as far as being human, but sometimes its hard. Especially in times like this.
Well this is my weekly update. I thank you all for listening and I hope things don't worsen for me. I continue to hope that we will make it. I continue to hope that one day he will trully see what a blessing we are to one another.