Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So many of you have supported me as I faced a really terrifying court hearing, I wanted to let you know how it went.
I had to go to court and face my abuser and WHILE HE WAS SITTING THERE talk about the abuse. It was absolutely terrifying and it took a lot of therapy to get me to a place where I could even contemplate it.
On the one hand, I am pleased because during his turn, he totally let his crazy out. Crying, angry, contradicting himself. It was interesting that he let other people see that side of him, but I assume under stress it all just erupted.
On the other hand, he got a turn to speak and he flatly lied about me, I mean bold lies and they were very hurtful. Crazy things, like that I attacked him with a knife and tried to kill him, or couldn't be left alone with children, and that he has done all the parenting for years because I neglect the kids, or that I threatened that if he ever spoke to another woman I would kill her. Just... totally bizarre stuff that is way out there. I should be used to his betrayals by now, but I am telling you hearing those kinds of things said about you especially when someone is *testifying* is hurtful.
To wrap it up, he made sure he said twice that I am well known for rewriting history and making up stories to suit my own interests. Projection at its finest!
It's hard to even counter attacks like that in court, because it so quickly turns into 'he said she said.' I only had so much documentation with me, and I feel like my response wasn't strong enough.
Anyway, The big issue is this:
They are going to suggest that IF he gets into therapy with the kids, he can have visitation with the kids 2 days a week. This is a man who has slapped, bruised, punched, threatened, choked and thrown these children. I have worked my butt off with no resources for 2 years, pouring myself into those kids to get them to where they are today: safe, sane, healthy and happy. They are thriving. That the court would consider this is insane. I have the right to contest this decision, but it will mean another hearing.... going up against my ex again... more money.... more of his accusations and probably worse ones this time around. And the possibility that I will lose.
If you were me, would you do it, or hope that therapy and a limited schedule is enough? And if it isn't - if he harms them - what do I do then? File ANOTHER restraining order? Start all over again?
I had to go to court and face my abuser and WHILE HE WAS SITTING THERE talk about the abuse. It was absolutely terrifying and it took a lot of therapy to get me to a place where I could even contemplate it.
On the one hand, I am pleased because during his turn, he totally let his crazy out. Crying, angry, contradicting himself. It was interesting that he let other people see that side of him, but I assume under stress it all just erupted.
On the other hand, he got a turn to speak and he flatly lied about me, I mean bold lies and they were very hurtful. Crazy things, like that I attacked him with a knife and tried to kill him, or couldn't be left alone with children, and that he has done all the parenting for years because I neglect the kids, or that I threatened that if he ever spoke to another woman I would kill her. Just... totally bizarre stuff that is way out there. I should be used to his betrayals by now, but I am telling you hearing those kinds of things said about you especially when someone is *testifying* is hurtful.
To wrap it up, he made sure he said twice that I am well known for rewriting history and making up stories to suit my own interests. Projection at its finest!
It's hard to even counter attacks like that in court, because it so quickly turns into 'he said she said.' I only had so much documentation with me, and I feel like my response wasn't strong enough.
Anyway, The big issue is this:
They are going to suggest that IF he gets into therapy with the kids, he can have visitation with the kids 2 days a week. This is a man who has slapped, bruised, punched, threatened, choked and thrown these children. I have worked my butt off with no resources for 2 years, pouring myself into those kids to get them to where they are today: safe, sane, healthy and happy. They are thriving. That the court would consider this is insane. I have the right to contest this decision, but it will mean another hearing.... going up against my ex again... more money.... more of his accusations and probably worse ones this time around. And the possibility that I will lose.
If you were me, would you do it, or hope that therapy and a limited schedule is enough? And if it isn't - if he harms them - what do I do then? File ANOTHER restraining order? Start all over again?
Any way to ask that the 2 visits a week can be SUPERVISED?
Also, think about that very powerful 2 letter word: IF.
A man like this probably will NOT make good on the conditions. I'd fight for the stipulation that the "IF" means that IF he goes to therapy with them every week, he can see them. IF he misses a week, he forfeits the agreement and loses all rights.
Maybe the courts realize that this is a bone they threw, knowing that he'll screw it up.
Use this as a way to document his true colors.
So I'd fight to define these parameters... Maybe not appeal, as that may work him up even more and give him more opportunity to malign you. But see this as the best of all possible worlds under the circumstances.
You want to always be seen as consistent, level headed, and doing what's best for the kids. Maybe giving a chance for them to be in therapy with and see their dad MAY be the best... Besides, I bet he'll fail to do it, anyway, and then you can use that.
Does that make sense?
You are a great mom to go through all of this for your children. I wish every parent were as great as you!
a woman of remarkable
strength.
Deli laid out some
thoughtful and in
my opinion, valuable
suggestions. I won't
attempt to improve
on them.
Sending you and
your children my
prayers for safety
and better days
going forward.
I agree w/Ilene and I think Deli said it all!
Please continue to take very good care of yourself!
~healing hugs~
I love the idea (thank you, Deli!) of letting him 'win' with the current parenting arrangement but putting strict boundaries into the wording. I sent an email to my lawyer today and hopefully we can get that put into place before it goes to the judge. I agree that there is a very low chance he will actually stick to the therapy or housing agreement, and if he doesn't, I can safely protect the kids again. On the other hand, if we put enough limits in place, if he by some chance he does everything we ask, then I will know the kids are probably doing okay when they're with him. It's a good solution!
Thank you so much for the help. It was hard to see clearly through my emotions yesterday.
Rope to hang himself should be sufficient. : )
Proud of you!
Just in relation to the lies he told, I know they can be hurtful, but remember too that judges are used to looking for lies. If you told your story calmly, clearly and without significant contradictions, and then he lost his cool, contradicted himself and told all sorts of lies, half of which were probably not relevant but instead were designed to hurt and humiliate you ... well most judges will see right through that.
And a quick story. When I faced my ex in court, one of the lies he told was that he wasn't working because he quit to take care of our baby since I wanted to go straight back to work (in fact he did almost no child care at all, he quit when the baby was about 6 or 7 weeks old, I went back to work in order to pay the bills when the baby was 6 months old and, on the insistence of my now ex, the baby was put in day care while I was at work). I didn't even have to tell my side of that story, the judge had read and heard enough already and actually rolled his eyes when my ex told it. I later got accused (by my ex) of colluding with the judge, but the simple fact is that his lie was not particularly believable. Sounds a bit like your ex is similar - an accomplished liar who then goes before an accomplished lie detector (a judge) and takes the lies a few steps too far.
Try not to let his lies get to you - imagine a shield around you so that they bounce off and then, one day, you will be able to laugh at the absurdity of the lies he has told (and may continue to tell). I suspect that day won't come until after you are certain that your children are safe, but I do think the day will come.
Oh and finally - the enough rope thing, as long as your kids are protected in the meantime with those stringent rules - can work wonders. It did with my ex, who now (by his choice) has no contact with our son at all. Mainly because he refused to comply with any of the rules I put in place to keep the then infant safe.