Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been out of the relationship for about 4 months but I have been going over and over what happened during the time I was with him and have picked up on something that I think might have been a red flag I missed.
I bought a dress which was far too small, I should have sent it back really and got a bigger size but I didnt. Myself and my ex were invited to party and he said that if I could get into the dress for the party he would pay for the dress, I didnt get into it (still have the dress and it still doesnt fit!) Anyway I thought at the time it was nice of him and an incentive (not that I needed one as I really wanted the dress to fit!) but am wondering now if it was something else as it makes me feel a bit strange now if you know what I mean.
I bought a dress which was far too small, I should have sent it back really and got a bigger size but I didnt. Myself and my ex were invited to party and he said that if I could get into the dress for the party he would pay for the dress, I didnt get into it (still have the dress and it still doesnt fit!) Anyway I thought at the time it was nice of him and an incentive (not that I needed one as I really wanted the dress to fit!) but am wondering now if it was something else as it makes me feel a bit strange now if you know what I mean.
If you divorced because he was abusive, then he was being mean by implying you are overweight and will never reach the goal to get into the dress, anyways.
by a pattern of behavior intended
to manipulate, control and attack.
In a situation where there was
no pattern of abusive behavior,
then that remark was not a red
flag for abuse.
If you already identified that the
relationship did contain a pattern
of abusive behavior (and apparently
you did, as you are out of the relationship
and posting in a forum dealing with
abuse), then the remark may have
been or WAS a red flag and additional
identifier of abusive behavior. Once a
pattern has been identified as such,
any single event or remark falls under
the category of someone who's overall
behavioral profile is already suspect,
making it a realistic assumption, that
the remark, (which could be "innocent"
coming from the mouth of someone
who doesn't abuse), is abusive.
As Ilene points out, many behaviors depend on context whether they are abusive or not. This incident on it's own may seem innocent. But considering he is an emotional abuser, it's more likely this incident was about control. Him wanting to control your physical appearance.
Sometimes it is only after we are away from the abuse where we can look back and see the red flags we missed and we realize that there was probably no way we would have recognized them and done anything different. Abusers tend to hide their abuse in the form of statements that make it sound like they care about us. They point out our flaws "just to help us". They make us feel like we are the ones with issues. And sometimes it's sooo subtle we don't even see it, because it is nearly the exact same thing a non-abusive person would say.