Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Before engagement he was my best friend. Charming. Funny. Extremely caring. I could confide in him, trust him. He was the "calling you in the middle of the night to make sure you're okay" when I mentioned I had a bad day kind of guy.
It changed after engagement though. I don't know why. I keep blaming myself...was I immature?
I come from a conservative family and he would constantly manipulate me to say things to him and say hes afraid of my religiosity. He said it will break the family and take attention away from him and our future kids. I assured him this wasn't the case, family is first for me. He used religion for his advantage when he wanted tho, and make me feel very guilty.
Once he was talking sexually and I said I wasn't comfortable with that and he said I was "mentally immature for marriage" and "he's afraid to have children with me" and "I need to "grow up" because this was the real deal, and would often make me kiss him on the phone. When I wouldn't, he said he's going to a strip club to call all the girls there my name until I was his, and would constantly joke and say he was interested in marrying my friends--he was always trying to make me jealous. Mind games.
I started taking some religious classes which he despised. To prove I'm not stubborn and too rigid he said I needed to promise not to take any classes and go to hooka bars with him otherwise he was going to break the engagement. And he would say "Why can't you do this for me? I can't believe you're going to make me break this because you don't want to go to stupid hooka for me. Are you that selfish?" Families were involved, I felt trapped, so I agreed.
He hated my honesty. Once he asked me if I was attracted to him. I said of course, I was marrying him! He said "Do you want me to lose weight?" I said "I am very very attracted to you and weight is something that fluctuates. I need to lose weight too so maybe we can work out together!" He got upset at me, and sulked, even though I tried very hard to emphasize I am very attracted to him. And turned it around and said, "I can't believe you called me fat." I never did. He made me feel like the devil, though he would always call me short and I'd laugh it off. He couldn't ever laugh at himself. Ever.
Another time he showed me a pic of an engagement dress his family picked out and asked my opinion. I said it was very pretty to be nice, but he kept insisting if it was my taste and I said it wasn't what I was used to but I'd love to wear it and he got mad and said "Jeez. You don't like anything our family likes. Well I don't like your taste." I don't know why or how he came to that conclusion and I told him that was rude and didn't talk to him until he called to yell at me for ignoring him, calling me immature, arrogant, I can't see past my own nose, stupid, crazy, comparing me to his 2 year old niece, I can take my ego elsewhere he'd find someone else to love. I tried explaining my side, how it was unfair for him to disrespect my taste and he said "Stop getting emotional. Jeez...you're so sensitive!" I was in Canada at the time visiting family and so he said, "The cold is making you crazy. You think I'm going to let you visit Canada anymore? Yeah right!" And then "you can wipe your butt with the cloth I don't care!" And then he called back and said "Don't make me yell at you. Don't make me embarrass myself. I love you. Put water on the fire instead of defending yourself. Promise you won't leave me, my love?"
He controlled the finances too and would always be picky about what I wore--he wanted me to wear tighter clothes and more make up. Once he said "I want to show you off to the world"
When I broke and told my mom he cried saying I broke his trust and I should've talked to him, and that I threw his love away. I feel guilty. So so guilty. Did I do the right thing? Was this abuse, or just his frustration/sensitivity/him getting emotional? Was I unjust?
It changed after engagement though. I don't know why. I keep blaming myself...was I immature?
I come from a conservative family and he would constantly manipulate me to say things to him and say hes afraid of my religiosity. He said it will break the family and take attention away from him and our future kids. I assured him this wasn't the case, family is first for me. He used religion for his advantage when he wanted tho, and make me feel very guilty.
Once he was talking sexually and I said I wasn't comfortable with that and he said I was "mentally immature for marriage" and "he's afraid to have children with me" and "I need to "grow up" because this was the real deal, and would often make me kiss him on the phone. When I wouldn't, he said he's going to a strip club to call all the girls there my name until I was his, and would constantly joke and say he was interested in marrying my friends--he was always trying to make me jealous. Mind games.
I started taking some religious classes which he despised. To prove I'm not stubborn and too rigid he said I needed to promise not to take any classes and go to hooka bars with him otherwise he was going to break the engagement. And he would say "Why can't you do this for me? I can't believe you're going to make me break this because you don't want to go to stupid hooka for me. Are you that selfish?" Families were involved, I felt trapped, so I agreed.
He hated my honesty. Once he asked me if I was attracted to him. I said of course, I was marrying him! He said "Do you want me to lose weight?" I said "I am very very attracted to you and weight is something that fluctuates. I need to lose weight too so maybe we can work out together!" He got upset at me, and sulked, even though I tried very hard to emphasize I am very attracted to him. And turned it around and said, "I can't believe you called me fat." I never did. He made me feel like the devil, though he would always call me short and I'd laugh it off. He couldn't ever laugh at himself. Ever.
Another time he showed me a pic of an engagement dress his family picked out and asked my opinion. I said it was very pretty to be nice, but he kept insisting if it was my taste and I said it wasn't what I was used to but I'd love to wear it and he got mad and said "Jeez. You don't like anything our family likes. Well I don't like your taste." I don't know why or how he came to that conclusion and I told him that was rude and didn't talk to him until he called to yell at me for ignoring him, calling me immature, arrogant, I can't see past my own nose, stupid, crazy, comparing me to his 2 year old niece, I can take my ego elsewhere he'd find someone else to love. I tried explaining my side, how it was unfair for him to disrespect my taste and he said "Stop getting emotional. Jeez...you're so sensitive!" I was in Canada at the time visiting family and so he said, "The cold is making you crazy. You think I'm going to let you visit Canada anymore? Yeah right!" And then "you can wipe your butt with the cloth I don't care!" And then he called back and said "Don't make me yell at you. Don't make me embarrass myself. I love you. Put water on the fire instead of defending yourself. Promise you won't leave me, my love?"
He controlled the finances too and would always be picky about what I wore--he wanted me to wear tighter clothes and more make up. Once he said "I want to show you off to the world"
When I broke and told my mom he cried saying I broke his trust and I should've talked to him, and that I threw his love away. I feel guilty. So so guilty. Did I do the right thing? Was this abuse, or just his frustration/sensitivity/him getting emotional? Was I unjust?
From what you describe, he was extremely manipulative and passive-aggressive. The guy was a jerk. DO NOT be manipulated or guilted into going back. You've saved your own life. I feel sorry for the woman who actually does wind up with him as a husband. But, thank God, it won't be you.
The thing with abusers is that they almost never start out a relationship being nasty - that wouldn't be a great way to hook a potential victim. Abuse typically gets worse at each milestone that makes the relationship harder to escape. Such milestones may be (depending on the specific people involved): first agreeing to be exclusive, first time sleeping together, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, taking out a mortgage or other significant debt/investment, having a baby, moving house (typically away from the victim's support networks such as family and friends), and so on. Anything that makes it harder for the victim to just say "nope, not doing this any more" will increase the level of abuse.
My personal experience of my ex was that he was really lovely until we moved in together. Then I started noticing some stuff, but brushed it off as minor. He was never violent until we were married. As far as I know, he didn't cheat on me until I was pregnant with his son. And so on.
If he got suddenly that much more controlling, manipulative and abusive when you became engaged, I can only imagine how much worse he would have become after marriage, and worse still if you had children. Particularly if he believed your conservative background and religious views would make it even harder for you to just take the kid(s) and go.
I also suspect that, if you really examine the friendship even before engagement, you will find there were red flags that you either missed, ignored or excused away.
The guilt is normal, but that doesn't mean you should be carrying it. It's actually not yours to carry. He attacked you continually, to your very core - attacked pretty much everything about you from your physical features (height and weight), to your personal style, your maturity, your life goals, your honesty, your family, your religious beliefs ... pretty much everything about you. That is not and could not have been your fault. You didn't suddenly get all those things when you became engaged, you didn't hide any of them from him prior to engagement, so he has absolutely no excuse for picking on them or trying to make you change them after engagement.
You did the right thing. It was not his sensitivity - he's not sensitive at all or he would understand that attacking every aspect of who you are is an incredibly cruel thing to do.
When he "wanted to
show you off to the
world," he was seeing
you as an object, his
possession.
You did the right thing.
You were not unjust.
You threw nothing
valuable away. You
dodged a bullet.
You feel guilty
because your
abuser had you
in a "spin cycle."
Youi're still in
that spin cycle.
If you work on
recovery, the
spin cycle will
slow down, end
and you'll be able
to think clearly
again. Then
you won't feel
guilty. You'll
feel relief and
joy that you're
no longer
being abused.
I URGE you to
redirect your
focus from him,
to YOU. You do
this by starting
therapy and
practicing
SELF-CARE.