Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Today is a hard day. I broke no contact again last night and feel myself back in a total state of confusion. I feel sad because yet again, I am feeling his words are correct and maybe it was my fault.
The first two weeks of no contact were easy. I was angry from his last abusive rage and death threat. But then when valentine's day came, he brought the flowers and his apologies and when that didn't work, it was back to business as usual. It's all my fault and he is the victim.
I was beyond sad last night and had a total meltdown. I don't know why I thought calling him would help bc it certainly did not. He told me he was happy now and "he should of DUMPED ME years ago", that I am a "spoiled brat" who always needs to get my way, that he is not abusive, that ONLY me and my family think that, and that is because I've told them things about our relationship and ruined his good name, this I never "had his back". That my family is just judgmental. That he is a good person, just loses control with me, That I'm THE ONLY person he's ever treated this way because I "pissed him off". And he's done being "that guy" because I make him that guy. This was all followed by "you're either with me or against me".
I am not perfect and certainly I have made mistakes but I refuse to believe that I am the one that "made" him act the way he's acted.
Could it be that I'm the ONLY one he's treated this way. Could it be that I have created this monster? I've always been open with my family. Maybe I shouldn't have been? Maybe things would be different if I had "had his back"?
Still though, the whole phone call was Re-run of everything bad I've ever done to him, with no mention of any of the atrocities pulled on me, which to me just feels like yet again, he's trying to pull the wool over my eyes, make me get distracted in apologies for my mistakes instead of him taking responsibility for his behavior. I'm not sure whether it's to try and convince himself or me. Or both? But I hate when it works. I hate when I lay in bed, curled up in ball, crying my eyes out wishing I had done things differently.
The first two weeks of no contact were easy. I was angry from his last abusive rage and death threat. But then when valentine's day came, he brought the flowers and his apologies and when that didn't work, it was back to business as usual. It's all my fault and he is the victim.
I was beyond sad last night and had a total meltdown. I don't know why I thought calling him would help bc it certainly did not. He told me he was happy now and "he should of DUMPED ME years ago", that I am a "spoiled brat" who always needs to get my way, that he is not abusive, that ONLY me and my family think that, and that is because I've told them things about our relationship and ruined his good name, this I never "had his back". That my family is just judgmental. That he is a good person, just loses control with me, That I'm THE ONLY person he's ever treated this way because I "pissed him off". And he's done being "that guy" because I make him that guy. This was all followed by "you're either with me or against me".
I am not perfect and certainly I have made mistakes but I refuse to believe that I am the one that "made" him act the way he's acted.
Could it be that I'm the ONLY one he's treated this way. Could it be that I have created this monster? I've always been open with my family. Maybe I shouldn't have been? Maybe things would be different if I had "had his back"?
Still though, the whole phone call was Re-run of everything bad I've ever done to him, with no mention of any of the atrocities pulled on me, which to me just feels like yet again, he's trying to pull the wool over my eyes, make me get distracted in apologies for my mistakes instead of him taking responsibility for his behavior. I'm not sure whether it's to try and convince himself or me. Or both? But I hate when it works. I hate when I lay in bed, curled up in ball, crying my eyes out wishing I had done things differently.
Adults are responsible for our own actions - No one can make anyone else do or not do anything short of ordering people around with a weapon.
Really if you were powerful enough to control his behavior wouldn't you make him be nice instead of a raging 3 yr old in a man's body?
Don't allow yourself to buy into his b.s.
At the same time it is a good time to work with a counselor or other mental health professional to dig deep to explore tools and methods to cease being a victim. Finding ways to see the red flags sooner, ways to set boundaries, recognize abuse and detach when you realize it is not healthy.
Learn how to protect yourself and learn to treat yourself as sacred and that it is not worth hanging out with anyone who does not think of you as precious and sacred.
Know that you are loved and learn to trust and love yourself. Part of that self care is to learn to protect yourself from abuse.
I had to begin to treat myself better in order to find men who would treat me well.
I agree with Qwit's
suggestion to find
and work with a
counselor on building
a you, inside, that's
in touch with your
value and autonomy.
Nothing beats having
a strong trust in ourself
about who we are, how
we interact with others
and what we will and
won't accept into our life.
In your last paragraph
your totally clear that the
whole phone call was a
replaying of his blaming
you and taking no ownership
for his own behavior. That,
alone, is a pretty good indicator
that whatever went down, it was
(first of all), NOT "all you," and
(second), spotlights his own
dyfunctional patterns.
If you're not at this point
working with a therapist,
I urge you to find one whose
specialty is recovery from
abuse, and work with that
person for as long as it
takes to find your way
into the center of your
psyche and on-going
wellbeing.
Take good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
"he should of DUMPED ME years ago", that I am a "spoiled brat" who always needs to get my way,
This is just meant to hurt you, and how dare you want or expect anything from him, try to get your needs met, that must mean you're a spoiled brat that you actually try and assert yourself (plus it really helps to put a caring relationship with your family who is being supportive and has his number in a negative light instead of a positive one). Abusers are so good at accomplishing multiple things in one abusive sentence-that's how good they are at manipulation!
"...that he is not abusive, that ONLY me and my family think that, and that is because I've told them things about our relationship and ruined his good name, this I never "had his back". That my family is just judgmental."
Don't buy this-it is SOOOO typical of abusers to look like fantastic friggin guys to people EXCEPT their intimate partners. All that shows in two things-that they CHOOSE not to be good to YOU when they are capable of it, and it works out great for crazymaking-like what he's doing-telling you your reality, experiences and feelings are WRONG and not real. You are so fortunate to have family who does not deny and minimize his abuse. Don't let him turn that into something negative-he's trying to undermine that support.
"That he is a good person, just loses control with me, That I'm THE ONLY person he's ever treated this way because I "pissed him off". And he's done being "that guy" because I make him that guy. This was all followed by "you're either with me or against me".
He is victim blaming straight out of Abusers 101! It's how they justify their behavior so they can sleep at night. People get pissed off at their partners all the time and don't abuse them. He does not lose control-if you watch closely you'll see how controlled his actions are-how he picks and chooses the emotional weapons he knows will hurt you and manipulate you the most-how he chooses to do this behind closed doors where no one else can see it, how he only takes it so far based on his messed up code of ethics or the calculated risk of taking it too far so that he'd be in trouble with the law or other people would find out. Don't buy this "lose control" crap for one second!
And the with me or agianst me, is his demanding your TOTAL COMPLIANCE WITH THIS DICTATES, plus it make you feel guilty, like you've betrayed him. See, again, accomplishing several things with one abuser statement.
"I am not perfect and certainly I have made mistakes but I refuse to believe that I am the one that "made" him act the way he's acted."
Good, because I'd bet dollars to donuts that he's lying.
I've always been open with my family. Maybe I shouldn't have been? Maybe things would be different if I had "had his back"?
Having his back means you have to make him look good no matter what he's doing to you??? You can talk to anyone about anything you want-to expect you not to is CONTROL. I would never, ever tell my bf he couldn't vent about me to his friends, even if it made me look bad. They are there to support him.
"he's trying to pull the wool over my eyes, make me get distracted in apologies for my mistakes instead of him taking responsibility for his behavior. I'm not sure whether it's to try and convince himself or me. Or both?"
Yes, both. See through it, but FEEL that it's crap too, because it is. If you have to get that righteous anger back that he has the gall to treat you this way! You don't deserve it!
I have my moments where I believe his crap, but deep down I KNOW it feels WRONG. Even if that's all I have right now, I will hold tight to even my gut feelings that this is WRONG and not how I should be treated. I am feeling stronger as the day goes on. I know it's BS and I feel good as long as there is NO CONTACT. One breath at a time. One day at a time.
I am immediately seeking a counselor specializing in emotional abuse. I feel as long as I have positive reinforcement that I CAN DO THIS.
I no longer want to hear or believe the statement, "Go ahead, Tell everyone everything I've said and they'can tell you its abuse, so YOU can feel better about yourself." The only way to do this is absolute NO CONTACT. I'm blocking his phone number and Facebook.
Thank you again friends. One day at a time.
NO CONTACT: 13 hrs
Good for you, great steps! You can do this!!!