Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My ex always left me and went to all his family for sympathy saying that I try to keep him from his kids but it wasn't even about that at all unless its impossible to separate your ex wife from your kids? That is why they all see me as the bad guy.
I only had a problem with him leaving me to go to her house to play family while they all pretended i don't exist. They do it on purpose too. One time his 30 yr old daughter threw him a 50th birthday party and they all lied to me saying they wanted to take their dad to see George Lopez for his birthday but secretly they threw him a birthday party at his ex wives house and she was allowed to go but I wasn't allowed to even know where they lived (they had just moved there). After something like that should I be OK with him going there every thanksgiving, holiday, birthday etc...leaving me home to wait for him? To me it was blatant in my face F U from them. I lost all my friends and life that I had every time I went back to him. He didn't. He constantly was texting - not letting me know who he was talking to or what it was about and went outside to make phone calls and text because "I would trip".
Excuse my language. Am I controlling, possessive, and crazy for thinking these things are not ok? Is it controlling to think these people are deceitful and dishonest and not trust them? I think also about how many times his ex wife would come stay at his house and I wasn't allowed there when she came even if I was there and she came unannounced they would tell me to leave so they can have their family.
They also would say I was in the way of their family. He went right along with all of it and actually got mad at me every time for being upset and then he would leave me again later. Also after he decided to try out his long lost cousin and dump me on the spot the day she came to his house would anyone out there trust him with family especially when I'm excluded from his family things? I felt like I would never be part of his family and I felt totally ostracized especially by him because he always said I was wrong to feel that way. He would say "its not like that" "you dont understand" or "Your controlling me" or "Your trying to keep me from my kids" - I would say why do your kids have to be tied to your ex wife and exclude me? But he would just twist it all and turn it.
Do you think it was me being controlling? Or possessive? Or was it him by leaving me at home to wait for him and doing whatever he wants. Leaving me for days or weeks to do it. I called it playing family. I am having a very emotional day. Sorry for all this stuff. I really want honest opinions of how I felt when these things happened. Would you feel the way I did or would you be alright with a man doing this to you? I want unbiased opinions of what others would or wouldn't tolerate. I question myself and wonder am I possessive or controlling? I think I"m looking for proof that any woman would feel the way I did being treated like that by all of them. There are so many other similar things they have done to me silently letting me know I wasn't wanted or that they would never let us be together the way I pictured my life with a man who supposedly loves me.
Honestly I did flip out many times when he and they did these things to me but am I the only one who would? Would any of you be ok with this sort of thing? Would any of you be with him if thats the way he wanted it to be? He would also always say I was over reacting. it isnt like I think. Sometimes I am not sure if I am abuser or if it was him?
I think but I'm not sure that the more things that happened to me concerning them the more I probably did act possessive and controlling because I was not willing to go along with it anymore.
He would leave me for days, weeks, or months to go do those FAMILY things that included his ex wife and excluded me and blamed me for not letting him.
I am betting he will try contacting me after New Years. I am preparing myself for that so I have a plan to keep myself from falling into the trap. If I was the bad guy wouldn't I be the one pursuing him? Driving by his house to spy? sending the sympathy texts? or even trying to contact him?
He is the one who does that every time. I try to move on but he changes all of his tunes temporarily to get me back. Once he gets me back it goes right back into the same unexpected he has to go to the ex's to see his kids. He supposedly lives at his sisters when he leaves me and they supposedly go there to see him but when he comes back to me he has to go to the ex's for everything. This tells me he lied and he was going there the whole time.
If they were used to seeing him at his sisters why did that change to the ex's when he was back with me? He lied a lot I think. I just want to know what outsiders think of how I felt and who was the one who abused the other? I am even taking a chance that it might be me who was wrong. But I wont know for sure until I get some outsider opinions. And when I tell him I know he is lying he says no I'm not. I would always find out from the kids what happened. Last Christmas he left me and bought the grandkids a bunkbed went in on it with the ex wife and all. I also know he spend a lot of time there when he leaves me but pretends he didnt when he comes back.
If I could tell you all the other things his kids and ex wife had done to let me know I was not included or wanted this would be way too long.
would any woman in here think this is love? Was he just using me playing me for stupid or was he abusing me? Or was I the one who abused and used? I lost trust long ago. should have never gone back to him after he dumped me to be with his long lost cousin. why is all that supposed to be ok? I think he only came back to me because he wrecked her car and she got mad and they broke up. Then he wanted me back and they never talked again - i think. Dont know for sure. He used to call and visit other ex's too. I didn't feel too secure with that arrangement either. I need unbiased opinions. I reacted badly to a lot of these situations and felt like it was an impossible relationship. Was that me or was he crazy making me? what do you call it? Am I abusive because i have been abused? He told me I was the one all the time. He played mr good guy to everyone else. He turns "Why do you have to play family with the ex wife at her house to see your kids?" into "I want to keep him from his kids" To me that is totally different. His ex wife hates me and I never knew her. She just wanted me gone if she came over. she screamed and yelled if i was there. she grabbed her daughter when she was little because she sat on the couch and talked to me. Then he would break up with me because I would be upset he didn't tell her to leave since we were here and we had plans. Why am I leaving> We never knew when she would come. Im sure it was sabbotage too because her grow kids would bring her - he said he told them not to but I dont think so. Im abusive and possessive and want to keep him from his kids. Ok I just have thoughts messing with me tonight. I sure reminds me of why I dont want to do that again. 9 days no contact.
I only had a problem with him leaving me to go to her house to play family while they all pretended i don't exist. They do it on purpose too. One time his 30 yr old daughter threw him a 50th birthday party and they all lied to me saying they wanted to take their dad to see George Lopez for his birthday but secretly they threw him a birthday party at his ex wives house and she was allowed to go but I wasn't allowed to even know where they lived (they had just moved there). After something like that should I be OK with him going there every thanksgiving, holiday, birthday etc...leaving me home to wait for him? To me it was blatant in my face F U from them. I lost all my friends and life that I had every time I went back to him. He didn't. He constantly was texting - not letting me know who he was talking to or what it was about and went outside to make phone calls and text because "I would trip".
Excuse my language. Am I controlling, possessive, and crazy for thinking these things are not ok? Is it controlling to think these people are deceitful and dishonest and not trust them? I think also about how many times his ex wife would come stay at his house and I wasn't allowed there when she came even if I was there and she came unannounced they would tell me to leave so they can have their family.
They also would say I was in the way of their family. He went right along with all of it and actually got mad at me every time for being upset and then he would leave me again later. Also after he decided to try out his long lost cousin and dump me on the spot the day she came to his house would anyone out there trust him with family especially when I'm excluded from his family things? I felt like I would never be part of his family and I felt totally ostracized especially by him because he always said I was wrong to feel that way. He would say "its not like that" "you dont understand" or "Your controlling me" or "Your trying to keep me from my kids" - I would say why do your kids have to be tied to your ex wife and exclude me? But he would just twist it all and turn it.
Do you think it was me being controlling? Or possessive? Or was it him by leaving me at home to wait for him and doing whatever he wants. Leaving me for days or weeks to do it. I called it playing family. I am having a very emotional day. Sorry for all this stuff. I really want honest opinions of how I felt when these things happened. Would you feel the way I did or would you be alright with a man doing this to you? I want unbiased opinions of what others would or wouldn't tolerate. I question myself and wonder am I possessive or controlling? I think I"m looking for proof that any woman would feel the way I did being treated like that by all of them. There are so many other similar things they have done to me silently letting me know I wasn't wanted or that they would never let us be together the way I pictured my life with a man who supposedly loves me.
Honestly I did flip out many times when he and they did these things to me but am I the only one who would? Would any of you be ok with this sort of thing? Would any of you be with him if thats the way he wanted it to be? He would also always say I was over reacting. it isnt like I think. Sometimes I am not sure if I am abuser or if it was him?
I think but I'm not sure that the more things that happened to me concerning them the more I probably did act possessive and controlling because I was not willing to go along with it anymore.
He would leave me for days, weeks, or months to go do those FAMILY things that included his ex wife and excluded me and blamed me for not letting him.
I am betting he will try contacting me after New Years. I am preparing myself for that so I have a plan to keep myself from falling into the trap. If I was the bad guy wouldn't I be the one pursuing him? Driving by his house to spy? sending the sympathy texts? or even trying to contact him?
He is the one who does that every time. I try to move on but he changes all of his tunes temporarily to get me back. Once he gets me back it goes right back into the same unexpected he has to go to the ex's to see his kids. He supposedly lives at his sisters when he leaves me and they supposedly go there to see him but when he comes back to me he has to go to the ex's for everything. This tells me he lied and he was going there the whole time.
If they were used to seeing him at his sisters why did that change to the ex's when he was back with me? He lied a lot I think. I just want to know what outsiders think of how I felt and who was the one who abused the other? I am even taking a chance that it might be me who was wrong. But I wont know for sure until I get some outsider opinions. And when I tell him I know he is lying he says no I'm not. I would always find out from the kids what happened. Last Christmas he left me and bought the grandkids a bunkbed went in on it with the ex wife and all. I also know he spend a lot of time there when he leaves me but pretends he didnt when he comes back.
If I could tell you all the other things his kids and ex wife had done to let me know I was not included or wanted this would be way too long.
would any woman in here think this is love? Was he just using me playing me for stupid or was he abusing me? Or was I the one who abused and used? I lost trust long ago. should have never gone back to him after he dumped me to be with his long lost cousin. why is all that supposed to be ok? I think he only came back to me because he wrecked her car and she got mad and they broke up. Then he wanted me back and they never talked again - i think. Dont know for sure. He used to call and visit other ex's too. I didn't feel too secure with that arrangement either. I need unbiased opinions. I reacted badly to a lot of these situations and felt like it was an impossible relationship. Was that me or was he crazy making me? what do you call it? Am I abusive because i have been abused? He told me I was the one all the time. He played mr good guy to everyone else. He turns "Why do you have to play family with the ex wife at her house to see your kids?" into "I want to keep him from his kids" To me that is totally different. His ex wife hates me and I never knew her. She just wanted me gone if she came over. she screamed and yelled if i was there. she grabbed her daughter when she was little because she sat on the couch and talked to me. Then he would break up with me because I would be upset he didn't tell her to leave since we were here and we had plans. Why am I leaving> We never knew when she would come. Im sure it was sabbotage too because her grow kids would bring her - he said he told them not to but I dont think so. Im abusive and possessive and want to keep him from his kids. Ok I just have thoughts messing with me tonight. I sure reminds me of why I dont want to do that again. 9 days no contact.
There's definitely some "crazy making" going on here. Emotional abuse is a terribly difficult thing to get grips with because some of us that have been abused react in ways that make us look "crazy" or like an abuser. Pair that with the primary abusive partner telling us we're wrong, and it's a recipe for confusion.
I'm getting a sense in what you've written that your ex didn't make attempts to reach a compromise with you. It sounds as if he did as he pleased, and if you had a problem with it, not only did he consider it your problem that he wasn't willing to sympathize with, but he made you out to be wrong for having this "problem." I'm going to tell you right now, you are very much NOT wrong for feeling the way that you do. Feelings and concerns are not a wrong thing to have, no matter which direction they go, it's only the reaction we have to those feelings that can be controlled. Unfortunately, when another individual knowingly pushes and pushes and pushes those buttons, we're going to react. Sometimes we shut down and take it; sometimes we get angry and fight back. If you shut down, some abusers will keep taking more liberties until nothing you ever wanted matters. If you fight back, some abusers will turn the situation around on you as if you were the perpetrator from the start. You can't win.
I've struggled in the past with identifying my own position in my last relationship; was I the primary abuser or was I abused? I've acted as an abuser at times (I initiated contact after No Contact was established, and I told my ex off just to get some form of reaction out of him), but it took a little therapy and a lot of reaching out to support groups to see that, while I was reacting poorly under stress, my ex was taking advantage of the situation to the fullest. In many ways, he created it. And he never, ever, even once the last months of our relationship, when the abuse was at it's most severe, accepted blame for one single piece of anything that was going wrong. It's that false sense of entitlement that gives them away.
Personally, I'd expect someone that loves me to either incorporate me into their lives, especially if we were on "serious relationship" terms, or to offer me sympathy and valid reasons why they cannot. If they aren't willing to meet me halfway, it is their responsibility to not lead me on further. But if you're dealing with an abusive partner, they don't have the kind of empathy that requires, and that's where it lands on you to listen to your gut while you're figuring out what kind of man they are.
Abusers lie.
They hope you will believe them
because if you believe them, that
enables them to continue to abuse
you.
To return to my opening assertion:
Abusers LIE.
Your thread suggests you
wrestle with wondering
whether his statements
could be true. . . .
whether you're
controlling
and trying
to keep him
from his kids.
In addition to abusers
routinely lying,
they also routinely
PROJECT their
dysfunction
onto others,
typically onto
their designated
victim(s).
Hon ---- Through no
fault of your own, you're
caught in the fog and
confustion of abuse.
You have been abused.
What he's done is all
abusive. Inside you
KNOW this, or you
wouldn't be participating
here (for six years), on a
forum whose topic is abuse,
if you didn't know that. But
the fog you're in keeps you
from accepting that your
inner knowing is correct,
and you keep asking the
same questions, over
and over.
I'm sure that, as you said
in your thread, he'll be
contacting you after New
Year's.
That attempted contact
will be your first real
opportunity in 2015.
You have several choices.
One is to welcome him
back, and proceed into
the New Year with
expectations of feeling
worse than you've felt
to this point in your life.
The second is, when
he contacts you, to tell
him you're making changes
in your life, for the new year
and the first one is that
he's history. "I wish you
all good things. Goodbye."
And that's it. Last contact
EVER.
The third option, when he
contacts you, is either not
know, because you've
blocked every access
he has to you, or you're
aware of his attempt
and IGNORE it. (And
after that, you block
every access he has
to you.)
The results of either
initiating permanent
No Contact with one
last goodbye, or
continuing No Contact
with no message whatever,
won't guarantee that
your life will be exactly
as you want it to be, going
forward. What it WILL
guarantee is that
THIS abuser will
be selling crazy
elsewhere, and
that YOU will be
FREE to manifest
whatever it is you
envision and desire
FREE of ABUSE.
I hope your new year
will manifest for you
everything you envision
and desire.
But abusers do lie - both of them lied to me many times. They were deceitful, ruthless, and abusive in many ways. I know I'm just trying to make sure I can be normal - I don't want to go back with him. I just want to be a good person. He would always tell me that I don't tell his side of the story and that's why people/counselors tell me its not me. If they heard his side they would say he was right and I was wrong. So I wondered if that was true.
I know I should stop going over things like that but I'm really on a healing journey and I have to examine myself not only to assure I"m not an abuser but to assure I never do it again. When he attempts contact next time I plan to never respond. I think No contact is the best way- I don't need to tell him anything - I've said it all. Its like quitting an addiction - One slip and I'm back on the drug.
I already feel better stress wise and because I do what I want now without worrying what he thinks. My son and our roommates say they see me so much more free, talkative, and happy. I do think I need to come to terms with some childhood issues that may be the reason I end up on these bad relationships. I am also to the point where I feel I don't need a man and I'm better off without one. That doesn't mean if some nice decent Mr. Right happens to show up in my life I won't give it a shot but I think that's a long way off for me if at all. I think I am making progress and doing better. I just need a lot of healing and time. I appreciate your honesty and support! Its really helping me.
He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, you and his ex at the same time. They just went along with it. They all abused you.
I dont know if you were acting abusive or not, but with him out of the way, you will know that your behavior is purely you and not a reaction to his abuse.
I do know this.
1.Abusers will try to turn the tables and make it look like you are guilty of the very thing they are doing. 2. You are the one trying to the leave the unhealthy relationship right now, you are doing the right thing.
I think you and I need boyfriend in a box. They always treat you right.