Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
The fog is clearing but is is still so hard. He could be so GOOD to me when things were good and SO SO bad when they weren't. When he was sweet, he was SO sweet. Loving attentive; I was HIS girl.
But my leaving my marriage for him never allowed normalcy so how will I ever know what he would have been like normally. I think that's what I struggle with the most. I will never know what could have been. How sweet could he have been without the distrust of how we began. It's like he never forgave me for leaving my husband FOR HIM.
But then again, wouldn't the anger have always been the same? As in how someone deals with their emotions, whether it be jealousy or mistrust? A person who reacts by slamming their fists, breaking things, screaming at THEIR girl, kicking my vehicle, calling me a whore, threatening my life, would react in such anger at most situations? or is that isolated to just our situation? He said, he NEVER treated anyone the way he treated me. He was ashamed, but it was MY fault for the way I WAS, the way our relationship had been so strained bc of me leaving my husband for him.
I guess I'm just still grappling with the feeling that he only got that angry with me, that our situation pushed him that far? Is that possible? That someone could only get that angry and mean to one person in particular? Or is that a person reacts how they react, no matter who the person is? I know it shouldn't matter and I should be focusing on me but I cant help but wonder, if he'll treat her amazing forever because they Have a NORMAL relationship. They have more of a chance than we ever did. Maybe it took too long and was too much for him to get my divorce and that's why he treated me so badly??
But my leaving my marriage for him never allowed normalcy so how will I ever know what he would have been like normally. I think that's what I struggle with the most. I will never know what could have been. How sweet could he have been without the distrust of how we began. It's like he never forgave me for leaving my husband FOR HIM.
But then again, wouldn't the anger have always been the same? As in how someone deals with their emotions, whether it be jealousy or mistrust? A person who reacts by slamming their fists, breaking things, screaming at THEIR girl, kicking my vehicle, calling me a whore, threatening my life, would react in such anger at most situations? or is that isolated to just our situation? He said, he NEVER treated anyone the way he treated me. He was ashamed, but it was MY fault for the way I WAS, the way our relationship had been so strained bc of me leaving my husband for him.
I guess I'm just still grappling with the feeling that he only got that angry with me, that our situation pushed him that far? Is that possible? That someone could only get that angry and mean to one person in particular? Or is that a person reacts how they react, no matter who the person is? I know it shouldn't matter and I should be focusing on me but I cant help but wonder, if he'll treat her amazing forever because they Have a NORMAL relationship. They have more of a chance than we ever did. Maybe it took too long and was too much for him to get my divorce and that's why he treated me so badly??
You could not win this. He probably did not want a committed relationship with you, but you did leave your marriage so he dropped everything on you and became your prosecutor. You cannot please a guy like that. He is a manipulator and if he can do this to you, he can do this to anyone.
I am glad you are processing this here and hopefully in therapy before you lose yourself to him. He has already made you behave in a way you would not behave if it was not for him by provoking your emotions. I am glad he is gone and has given you a chance to go back to yourself before it is too late.
Your ex has no control over his anger and is abusive. It is not isolated over just your situation. However I'm sure that he doesn't act like that at work. He chooses to act like that towards you, unfortunately. This is how he maintains control. Rest assured, he will say the same things sweet and cruel to his next victim.
I hope that you can find healing and even personal growth from your toxic relationship with him. You don't deserve that treatment.
His horrible treatment of you had NOTHING to do with you, it is only his inability to have a healthy relationship.
It would be helpful to process your feelings with a qualified counselor in abuse. You can call your local women's resource center for information. All of the factors that you described are abusive and intimidating, e.g. breaking things, kicking your vehicle, name calling.
When I finally broke it off my abuser and opened up emotionally to a counselor I feel like there is hope to a better life.
this minute for a
longer response,
but the fact is, a
longer response
really isn't necessary.
There are
two essential points:
One:
Abusers LIE.
Therefore. . .
ANYTHING/EVERYTHING
he said was a LIE.
And two:
He could never
and will never
have a "normal"
relationship
because
abuse
ISN'T NORMAL.
("Normal" people
dont' threaten another
person's life under
ANY condition.)
I don't want his new GF to go through what I did, but yet if he hasn't changed I would feel some sort of validation, like there wasn't something wrong with me, like my efforts were always futile. It's hard and I have a long recovery ahead of me. Tonight I feel a dichotomy of hope and sadness. I'm at 3 weeks no contact. It's for the best. I know this, but I still relive every one of my mistakes, and his awful words, and 4 years of pain and anger and love, and fun , and torture every night.
He has moved on, so I suggest you do the same thing. Luckily you are still in the prime of your life so all is not lost just yet.
Lick your wounds and come out fighting. Good luck with it.
The fact that you are not in the spot of his girlfriend does not mean that someone else won't go in there, but she cannot affect your life and your choices. She deserves compassion and that's it.
You spoke about deserving better. I wish for you to find out what exactly you deserve and find it. Don't let him dictate that for you.
As for the new woman? He is who he is. You didn't make him who he is, the fact that you were married when you met him didn't make him who he is, nor did the fact you left that marriage make him who he is. He is who he is. He chooses to be who he is, or at the very least doesn't choose to be different. And so he will treat her according to who he is. She also isn't perfect and has made and will make mistakes. And he will blame his temper and his abuse on those mistakes.
More importantly though, even if he were to treat her like a queen for the rest of their lives together (he won't, but let's suspend reality for a moment here), even if he did do that, it wouldn't change the fact that he treated you in wasy NOBODY deserves, no matter what they have done, no matter who they are. Nobody deserves what he did to you, but he did it anyway. And that can never ever be your fault.