Gosh I am still coming to terms with all of this. Some days I am better, feeling confident, other days I am devastated, heartbroken, lost, and feeling guilt. Today is one of those. I feel like, five months ago, I lost the love of my life. I had grown up with him, since I was 17 (I'm 25 now) thinking I would someday date him and then marry him. He was never very good to me, but we started hooking up when I was 19 on and off for 4 years. When we would hook up, he would treat me like I was just a sexual fulfillment- we only talked when he wanted a booty call, and then when we would go back to college after being home that would be it. All through that time I had this feeling that the stars would align. When I was 24 they did. Our feelings matched up and we started dating. I was head over heels for this guy- all those years and it finally happened. I am crying as I write this because I can't believe it's over. It's all just over. That dream is over. He's all I've known and wanted since I was 17, and I can't help but think that, after a year of having that dream seem palpable, I WAS the one who threw it all away.

My past posts detail our relationship- it was volatile to say the least. I don't remember a lot of it because I honestly think my mind has purposely omitted the painful details (I see my therapist, and when I try to recall certain things that she remembers, I can't). Some days he was wonderful- mainly in the beginning- and then other days, he was silent. This occurred later within the year we dated- but then we would have days on top of the world- I felt that connection, that we were both in love. That he loved me and adored me the same I did for him. Not a day went by that I didn't cherish him and appreciate him. I loved him for all he was, and I felt thankful everyday. I did have my high maintenance moments, but I never flew off the handle or became volatile with him. My birthday was the first night his volatile behavior began. I am still trying to come to terms with not blaming myself and holding him accountable, because I still believe that he isn't at fault, and it's my fault the relationship ended.

He thought I was hitting on another guy. He was very drunk, and as I was saying hi to a friend, he punched through three car windows and started yelling at me. I followed him onto a side street, and he called me a bitch, accused me of flirting, punched through another window, and ran away, leaving me alone in the city at 2 am. Then, an hour later, he showed up at my apartment. He was hysterical- crying one minute, talking about breaking up, and then calling me a cunt, making accusations, and calling me a slut the next. He flipped my coffee table, ripped a painting off my wall, and would shift between hysterics and anger. I didn't know what to make of it. This guy was my world. I did everything for him. I lent him my car, cooked, did his laundry, paid for him often, brought him to sporting events (on my own dollar)- all because I truly enjoyed my time with him.

Whats more is that if I approached him about a problem in the most diplomatic way possible, he would accuse me of being selfish and only talking about myself. He applied for jobs in another city behind my back, and I calmly asked him if he did (i heard through a friend) he said yes, and I said I wish you had told me! And he accused me of being self-centered and coming in between him and his career.

Finally, he did get a new, better job in the same city as me. He instantly became full of himself with this new job, and spoke only about himself, I barely got a word in. Just being around him was difficult, as he had this self-imploded bravado. We were eating dinner at a restaurant, and I started talking about my graduate school (I work as well) and he said.... "Yeah well your grad school isn't as hard as my job" and then I said "Yes but it deserves some recognition too" and then, as if it were no big deal, he said "Fuck you" in the middle of a restaurant. I felt so disrespected, but later that night, he apologized and everything was okay. It was this constant roller coaster of anger-apology-anger-apology, making me feel like I was the crazy one for being upset.

During a lot of the relationship, even before this instances, I would go a full day without hearing from him. I wouldn't know where he was at night. I tried to keep my space as much as possible, for fear of seeming needy. But to have a boyfriend, and not know where he is, but see that he's posting to social media and actively using his phone, makes you question how important you are. I remember countless days and nights, I would wake up and wait to hear from him all day, seeing he was posting to facebook, using his phone for social things, all night, and get nothing. I would approach him about it and be told "You're not high on my priority list as my friends" or "sometimes i feel like I have to fake a conversation with you".

The angry outbursts grew as he drank (I allowed his drinking to be an excuse for passionate anger... and I figured if he isn't ignoring me, it's a good sign he's so angry, maybe it means he's passionate about me)... he threw a chair off of my roofdeck, he called me a cunt multiple times, he demanded to see my phone- all mainly drunk, and then would apologize the next day.

Our actual breakup was heartbreaking. I can't get into too much detail about that, but it was bad. He wouldn't give me more than an hour to "close it out" after so much time together, threw my shit in my face and told me he was going to a club. I have been heartbroken for five months. I've been told he was extremely abusive, verbally. I can't believe it. For whatever reason, my brain refuses to hold him accountable. I keep blaming myself for all that happened. I keep thinking that since I've known him, his family, and grown up with him, how can someone like that be an abusive monster? I must be fabricating it or exaggerating it in my head because he didn't physically hit me. The pain and load I've been carrying with this is so heavy. My friends are too basic to understand that abuse goes beyond physical- and just see him as an "asshole" and a bad person. But the psychological trauma I feel like I've gotten from dating him as been so much worse. The most painful thing is looking back on the good times- analyzing them, remembering how happy I was, and knowing I lost it. How did the good times turn dark so quickly? Was I to blame? Is this a loss or a blessing? How can something meant to be turn out this way? This person is gone from my life forever. I have tried to make that commitment to myself. He saw me at a party, came up to me and wished me a happy thanksgiving, I looked at him and turned around. For five months post- break up, I gave him the opportunity to make amends. I texted him twice post-breakup, both saying hello, hoping to talk. He never responded. Then, at a party, on his own terms, when all of his friends are telling me how happy and good I look, he decides to come up to me. In my opinion, yet another example of his need to control me and the situation by ignoring my attempts, and doing it on his own time.


I'm lost. I miss him terribly and the wonderful times we grew together, especially during this holiday season. I ruminate over those beautiful memories, and wonder where it all went wrong so fast. I felt like we had so much promise. I had the world in my hands and it collapsed.