Sorry for all the posts lately... I just thought I would let you guys see parts of the most recent (And Final!) conversation I held with my ex. Now that I am no longer in his control and no longer fooled by his once charming charade, I can analyze his messages in a different way, instead of allowing him to just make me feel bad. And I'm no Psychologist, but I do believe some of the things he says makes him sound like a bit of a sociopath... (I have blocked him in every way, shape and form, by the way!) It's long, but it was eye-opening for me, I think.

Me: I have a supportive family and I am very lucky for that. But the ability to pay your bills isn't the most important thing in life, there's so much more. (This was said because I have opened up to him about being raped when I was young, and the emotional pain I had suffered from it.)

Him: You only say that because you've never lived without.

Me: It doesn't change the emotional pain I deal with.

Him: Aww, that shit's for the birds. It is what it is get stronger and keep it moving.

Me: Yea, and I did. I got over most of the pain and worthlessness of the experience. But when I was with you, I felt worthless all over again.

Him: Then you make the same mistakes twice. See, you don't realize a lot. No one is mean to you, you're just too innocent. I looked past that shit and saw the real you. You'd be nothing without your family, nothing.

Me: I'm glad you realize you were a mistake.

Him: I'm glad you finally have the courage to speak your mind.

Me: Yup.

Him: You're welcome

Me: Ha.

Him: You'll see in time. Trust me, you think I used you? Hahaha

Me: Indeed, you did.

Him: I'm a good man. You broke every person's heart that comes in contact with you.

Me: You may be a good man. Maybe. But I didn't see it.

Him: Cause you're not really a good person, Erin. Very bitter, very cold, very detached. You brought out the worst in me. So I did the same to you to show you how you treated me.

Me: I only became cold after I felt I was doing everything I could in the relationship, and all for nothing.

Him: You don't listen either.

Me: And it was clear to me you weren't going to change, all your promises were empty.

Him: Yea, cause why change for someone so cold? I changed for myself and I'm happy with it. If you don't wanna be a part of my life then you were a mistake. I may love you but my heart always gets in the way.

Me: Then if I'm such a cold person, and I "brought out the worst in you", why do you still try to be with me?

Him: Hard to explain, you have moments.

Me: All I can say is our relationship was... Unique to me.

Him: You'll always remember it. You couldn't change me. I'm a positive person, just you had too much negativity. (HA.)

Me: Yea... Sure. That must be why this is the only relationship I've ever had filled with constant fighting. Definitely must be me, not you. Do you know I still find myself afraid to go out and do anything because I think about how you wouldn't like it?

Him: You're lying. I'm sorry you know half the shit you do is wrong, and you wanna blame me. It's okay.

Me: Again, I knew it would be pointless to make you see from my point of view.

Him: It's not pointless, you just have some growing up to do. This is a hard life and you have things way too good to understand anything fully. I just hope I prepared you for the evil in this world. You'll understand one day and love me for it, I know. Next time you judge me, remember you never walked in my shoes.

Me: And you've never been in mine. So it is my fault I allowed you to control me?

Him: See, the problem is, you can't see yourself in the mirror. When you can, when you accept who you are, then maybe we can have a conversation.

Me: Ha, okay. And who do you think I am?

Him: A girl, not a woman.

Me: And I've experienced evil long before you. You just wore a mask that was good enough to hide it.

Him: Yea, grow up. Haha, seriously, all this drama. You'll always be stuck in it. It's not high school like you and everyone at work is stuck in, haha.

Me: You have to be one of the least empathetic people I have ever met. I'm supposed to feel sorry for you and do everything for you because you're "sick", yet any mention of my feelings gets met with a "grow up"?

Him: It was something I couldn't control. You can control your feelings with practice.

Me: You call me childish, but an adult realizes when it's times to let go of the things that are hurting them, and I'm trying.

Him: Trying is failing.

Me: It is impossible to move on when you find ways to reach me. Especially when I am trying to have a normal life and enjoy time with my friends. You're just trying to twist my mind into thinking you're a saint and I was cruel to you.

Him: I'm no saint, just me. I'm a good man, you're a confused girl that needs to appreciate things and make your own path in life.

Me: It's especially sickening because it seems like you realize you did wrong, yet it is still my fault.

Him: It's not your fault I did wrong to ever love a negative person like you, for real, little girl.

Me: Stop speaking to me like a child.

Him: You have way too much to be sad. Lose everything, let's see how you act. Hahaha, seriously, grow up. (FUN FACT: He lives with his Dad, rent free. And he drives his dad's car. I'm paying for my own car and rent; how he has it much harder than me, I don't know.)

Me: No, you did wrong by making it seem that the way you were treating me was teaching me a lesson.

Him: I went through a lot. When I lost you, I learned you were a Cancer that needed to be removed. Always had to please Erin, F**k my life, right? (What he is talking about... I have no idea.)

Me: You have't been in my shoes, I haven't been in yours. Can't we leave it at that instead of insisting one of us had it worse?

Him: Someone has to show you how good you have it and that you need to appreciate it because you don't.

Me: You are ridiculous. You ruin my sense of self so I'll realize how good I have it?!

Him: I didn't ruin anything. I'm just me. If you appreciated it you would never let anyone change your mind. True story, bro. You can block me, not talk to me, it's cool. Just you running away again like a little girl.

Me: Sorry I couldn't appreciate your manipulation tactics and control and preying on someone weaker than you, oh so sorry...

Him: Take your actions into account. Learn how good you have it, then come at me.

Me: I have every right to walk out of a toxic relationship.

Him: You like new. New guys, new friends, because you don't think you're good enough for anything. That needs to change. I may have been wrong but GIRL, you weren't right.

Me: You don't know me at all.

Him: The good Erin was the one that stood up for herself. Good in yourself reflects good in others, girl.

Me: Which is what I'm doing now. Yet now I'm cruel and heartless? Stop calling me girl.

Him: You are who you are, cause you can't get over what happened. It's hard, I know. So get a gun, kill that dude, and move on. Call the cops, do something, or you'll always be a victim, and you are, girl.

Me: Not anymore.

Him: Just like this. You broke up with me, yet I still have to deal with all your problems.

Me: YOU'RE the one who keeps contacting ME! Never have I ever tried to message you after we broke up!

Him: Then you're welcome for making you stronger, girl.

Me: You're so childish. You just like to get a rise out of me.

Him: Nope, just being fully honest for once. You're weak. You made me weak. I'm not weak. You're just a bad memory I have to relive because I work with you. All you are is a tease. You can't love anything. You deserve nothing more than to be alone. End of story, brah.

Me: Lol. Okay, "brah."

Him: Way it is, you're the toxic part, the Cancer. I was happy before you. You can't be happy, though. You swear you are, but anyone that sees you knows you look like shit. Tired, sad, depressed, walking, dead baby.

Me: That's funny, you always claimed you were miserable before me. Your contradictions are disturbing.

Him: You are the one that scares me. It's okay, everyone has their day, you'll see.

Me: Okay, whatever you say.

Him: Ha, see? Dismissive. Grow up, Girl.

Me: You keep telling me to grow up, but you're the one acting immature.

Him: Take responsibility for your actions. I am. Hahahaha, go on, girl.

Me: And how exactly are you doing that? By you using "being sick" as an excuse for acting like an asshole?

Him: You don't phase me. Love is for the birds, come at me bro. I was sick, aww, it's all over. I'm back on my horse, so get at me. (This makes no sense, because he continues to use this as an excuse for his behavior to this day.) You're not grown by any means. My Dad taught me how to be a good man, you were just in the way of me seeing it. I'm glad you're gone, I'm so much happier. You were Cancer. You think the world owes you something because of what happened to you. Grow up, girl. You owe the world for being a part of it. See, that's the problem. My pain made me older in years, your pain stopped you in some high school ass drama, which I have no time for.

Me: Yep. I'm the one causing drama. Just drop it Clint, I'm done letting you toy with me.

Him: Grow up, little girl.

Me: Please, stop messaging me.

Him: You're the one bringing up old shit, little girl. (?)

Me: K.

Him: Your sheltered country ass go live in the real world, you won't last a minute. For real, grow up.

Me: K.

Him: K. Haha. You're not even realizing. It's okay, you will one day.

Me: Yup, you sure showed me.

Him: See, lying again. You'll never understand until you're left with nothing.

Me: K.

Him: You let one thing define you and you're weak because of it. My aunt told me that the way I treated you would make you stronger. She said you may hate me for a few years but eventually you'll learn to love me for it so I took her advice. I really do love you Erin, but damn. It's too much sometimes to feel sorry for something that happened to you so long ago.

Me: Okay. I have never once in our entire relationship asked for your pity. Never have I used me being raped as an excuse for ANYTHING. You asked me to open up to you, and I did. I said it still hurts to think about sometimes, and it does. But that's it.

Him: You didn't ask but you expected it. Stop living in the past, girl. Part of life I may love you endlessly and never love another like you, but I won't let your heart control mine. You can't lie to me, I see through you, always did. Everything is an experience, take what you can from it.

Me: K.

Him: K. Haha. I'm a little Girl that wants to dismiss everything cause I'm always right and they're always wrong. You're so juvenile. So much negativity. I'm honestly blessed you're not with me. You need medical help. (Huh?)

Me: Yep. I'm weak because I decided to leave a relationship that was no good.

Him: You're weak because you thought there was a problem when there wasn't. You just had to tell me no.

Me: And you're delusional if you saw no problems.

Him: I let my anger out, you bottle it up. That's a sign of insanity. The problem was and always will be you.

Me: Okay, whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

Him: Haha, keep dismissing the truth. That helps you, I guess you'll learn, girl. You act like a 16 year old I guess because of what happened.

Me: You think you're teaching me a lesson. You are so full of it.

Him: Haha, good girl. And you're a victim and you take it out on everyone whether you try not to or not. You're not any better than me, so one is, so don't act like it. Ok, good.

Me: Mmmhm.

Him: See, can't even say no words. Dismiss everything long enough honey and it will come back to bite you in the ass. You want the truth of the way I see you? Might explain a lot,

Me: If I don't dismiss you, I'll go crazy.

Him: Your fault. No one gets under my skin like that. Keep dismissing things, girl. You can't stop me from speaking my mind, and I'm speaking the truth. Finally, I'm not blinded by the false care you give. Truth hurts, little girl. I mean, you are you who hang around. Look at your friends, like Keri. She's a whore for real.

Me: K.

Him: Oh, and you're at least crazy, Erin.

Me: K.

Him: K. No other words? Oh, you know I'm right.

Me: No, you just don't deserve my attention.

Him: Haha, way to dismiss the problem, keep running away Erin. Run run run. You have no courage. I'm fearless. I can't believe I ever loved you,

Me: Running away is not being a coward. You are crazy, and if I don't run away, I'll go crazy too.

Him: When you run away it makes things worse. You don't like me cause I speak the truth, little girl. You got to grow the hell up. You've never done anything to me but deceive and lie to me. (More projecting..)

Me: Yep. You're an angel.

Him: Hey, I am to someone not still in the Hell they created themselves. It's funny, you pulled me out of Hell and put yourself in it. Funny was the wrong word, sad is the word.

Me: Okay.

Him: K. Same thing. Keep dismissing things Erin, suits you well.

Me: How else am I supposed to respond? It doesn't matter what I say. So apparently we're both Cancer in each other's lives. So let's drop it and stop talking.

Him: It matters cause you're not standing up for yourself, girl. You're not standing up for a damn thing, at all.

Me: It seems like you're getting a kick out of getting on my nerves.

Him: Not at all. But why am I getting on your nerves? You broke up with me, like all the others. You can't be satisfied. You're selfish because you have so much. It's why you don't fight for anything at all.

Me: I don't have to fight for anything. I don't want to fight with you anymore. There's no reason.

Him: Yea, cause you know I'm right. It's okay, be a push over like you are with everything. You deserve nothing, but have everything. So funny. You need to see that you caused most of our problems. Cause you did with your negativity, so unappreciative. You judge everyone else but yourself first, that's the problem.

Me: And you can't see how crazy you sound right now.

Him: Crazy to a crazy person is sane baby, haha. Trying to tell me green is blue right now.

Me: K.

Him: Still dismissing, so sad.

Me: No, I just don't care anymore. I'm not exactly sure what your goal in belittling me is, but I just really don't care.

Him: How can I make you feel better, Erin? (Um.. what?)

Me: Um... By not declaring your "undying love" for me through messages months after we've broken up?

Him: Okay, I'll do it in person.

Me: No, not at all.

Him: I'm going to do it, I love you. (Funny, what happened to me being Cancer? Ha.)

Me: Why? All it does is torment me.

Him: You can't stop me from being me. It torments me not to do it, so. I don't give up on what I love. So why can't I do what I want to do?

Me: Because all you're doing is harassing me and I'll just block you. I would like to be adults about it, but you're making it impossible.

Him: I mean, if you block me it will make me mad and I'll do it in person, so.

Me: Cool, time for a restraining order.

Him: Really? So you'll make me lose my job?

Me: So?

Him: So what? Are you getting one?

Me: Maybe.

Him: I have a right to know Erin, this is my job. Seriously, this is no joke. Why would you threaten to call the law on me, for real?

Me: Why shouldn't I? Really? All you have to do is respect me for once and not contact me.

Him: You're gonna call the law for me telling you I love you in front of people at work? Why?

Me: Becuase why would you do that?

Him: Cause I still do and I speak my mind.

Me: Well keep it to yourself. You're a grown man, you can control what you say.

Him: I can, but why do I have to? If I want to do something, I will. Who's controlling who now?

Me: Okay, so I'll block you on Facebook and ignore you at work, we barely work together anyways. I can deal with that if I have to.

Him: Oh, I forgot to tell you I'm working more night shifts with you. :)

Me: All right, guess I'll be blocking you now.

Him: Ugh, stop, you're being so childish. I hope you're happy. Seriously, you caused all of this today. Nothing solved and we both are mad.

Me: Yep, expressed my justified anger for once. Should have just remained meek, little Erin to keep you content. Bye.

Him: Haha, whatever. You think so much of yourself. Little too late, sweetheart. Tell your problems to someone that gives a damn, girl. Hope you grow up one day. Selfish, heartless, ass. You act like a damn high school student. Emotionless, crazy ass. I miss the smell of your hair, the way you held me at times, and waking up to you. (Um...)

Me: Look, you ignore me, I'll ignore you. Deal? If not, I'm reporting you at work and hopefully you'll be fired.

Him: Done. Goodbye.