Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I looked through my journal yesterday. It hasn't been updated since before I found out about H's affair. I keep it in my desk drawer at work because he's found it and read it, so it stays far away from him now. What I had written is so depressing to me, and I only have myself to blame for not taking action sooner. I am so mad at myself, but reading my words makes me realize that there is only one option for me.
August 22, 2003
(my 25th birthday, married less than 6 months at this time)
"Another birthday gone. For the third year in a row, I feel like crap. I always cry on my birthday. I almost made it through tonight without crying. In 2001, it was 'Well, I was going to send you flowers but I decided not to.' Then a coworker's H sent her flowers 'just because' and my feelings were hurt (not her fault). This year it is my fault. I forgot to send a thank you note to H's parents for the 2nd shower gift. They were about to transfer their mission so their address was in limbo so I set the note aside. Big mistake. maybe i would have been better off sending it anyway and letting the S. African postal service figure it out. ... My H has such an extreme temper that I am afraid to say or do anything out of the ordinary or what is expected. Sometimes I feel that I should be seen and not heard - in my own house. I can bring up anything that I think about or am concerned about without getting yelled at. I can't win! When I mention having kids in the future, me not having a car, or job stresses, I cause an argument. It just sucks! ... I have to rely on public transit or ask H to take me places and pick me up ( which he never fails to throw in my face to show me how ungrateful I am). I feel like I am being taken advantage of and walked over like an old doormat. I have to do all of the cooking and cleaning - or I get yelled at. He has a big responsibility at work and probably a ton of stress to go along with it but he should still have to help out around the house too. I hate it when I am cleaning the house - doing my best & he just nags and nags and nags about what I haven't done - WHILE HE WATCHES TV OR PLAYS HIS GUITAR! THat really pisses me off! ... I don't feel that there are open lines of communication i nthis house. He will not open up to me and I am not "allowed" to open up to him. IT cuts into his "cave-man hibernation phase" (which runs daily from 6:30 pm - 10:00 pm during the week, and most Saturdays and Sundays) ....
1/23/08
Has it really been almost 5 years since I've journaled? Wow! Well, here we are on Wednesday, January 23, 2008. I just read my previous entry. Have I really been feeling this way for nearly 5 years!?! ..... I feel so alone and feel like I haven't had any emotional support in a while. I feel that everything good has been sucked out of me and I have nothing left to give.
Sigh... there is more, but I cant write anything else right now. :(
This is so depressing, and now I am beating myself up over it all.
August 22, 2003
(my 25th birthday, married less than 6 months at this time)
"Another birthday gone. For the third year in a row, I feel like crap. I always cry on my birthday. I almost made it through tonight without crying. In 2001, it was 'Well, I was going to send you flowers but I decided not to.' Then a coworker's H sent her flowers 'just because' and my feelings were hurt (not her fault). This year it is my fault. I forgot to send a thank you note to H's parents for the 2nd shower gift. They were about to transfer their mission so their address was in limbo so I set the note aside. Big mistake. maybe i would have been better off sending it anyway and letting the S. African postal service figure it out. ... My H has such an extreme temper that I am afraid to say or do anything out of the ordinary or what is expected. Sometimes I feel that I should be seen and not heard - in my own house. I can bring up anything that I think about or am concerned about without getting yelled at. I can't win! When I mention having kids in the future, me not having a car, or job stresses, I cause an argument. It just sucks! ... I have to rely on public transit or ask H to take me places and pick me up ( which he never fails to throw in my face to show me how ungrateful I am). I feel like I am being taken advantage of and walked over like an old doormat. I have to do all of the cooking and cleaning - or I get yelled at. He has a big responsibility at work and probably a ton of stress to go along with it but he should still have to help out around the house too. I hate it when I am cleaning the house - doing my best & he just nags and nags and nags about what I haven't done - WHILE HE WATCHES TV OR PLAYS HIS GUITAR! THat really pisses me off! ... I don't feel that there are open lines of communication i nthis house. He will not open up to me and I am not "allowed" to open up to him. IT cuts into his "cave-man hibernation phase" (which runs daily from 6:30 pm - 10:00 pm during the week, and most Saturdays and Sundays) ....
1/23/08
Has it really been almost 5 years since I've journaled? Wow! Well, here we are on Wednesday, January 23, 2008. I just read my previous entry. Have I really been feeling this way for nearly 5 years!?! ..... I feel so alone and feel like I haven't had any emotional support in a while. I feel that everything good has been sucked out of me and I have nothing left to give.
Sigh... there is more, but I cant write anything else right now. :(
This is so depressing, and now I am beating myself up over it all.
Boy do I know where you are. I still have not gotten back to writing like I use to. So much has happened, I am not sure if I want to hash it all back out or just let it go away. BTW, its been 18 years. My divorce was final in MArch of this year. I wanted to leave after the first year of my marriage. At 47 I am starting over. Wasted years!!!!
And hey Cali123, do not beat yourself up. On the contrary, love yourself as much as you can. You are a kind and caring human who has tried her best. Am I right? Mmm-hmm.
I used to beat myself up a lot, emotionally, figuratively. I think this form of self abuse is a bad, bad habit we pick up from our abusers. You deserve better girl and we are here for you.
You deserve so much more.
Some more:
1/23/08
"y friends (and my family too) think that he doesn't like them because he never comes around. I'm beginning to wonder how much truth is behind it. He is so harshly critical of me and everyone else. I really don't appreciate this. He says if I just change, there won't be anything to criticize - LOL - there is a pattern from the previous entry. I could change every fault that has been pointed out today and I could rest assured that there would be another one tomorrow!"
Even when i was there 24/7 for his stress, he still never appreciated it, and had the ordasity to accuse me that i had never been around! I think they history every hour sometimes.
Florence Nightingale, and Opera would still be wrong for some of these guys. So many of us, so far apart yet so close with whats been done to our hearts. thanks