(from Wolf's Daily Howl)

Hello All ---

Okay. There's so much I want to say about this topic because there are so many misconceptions and mistaken thinking around this. I've even heard Dr. McGraw, whom I otherwise have a fair amount of respect for, say in regards to victims: There are no victims, just volunteers.

First ---- victims are victims.

If you're walking down the street and get mugged, nobody says you must have brought it on yourself.

If you find yourself victimized ---- it's NOT your FAULT!!!!!!

Second ---- victims are not psychologically weak-minded. Someone who seems to perpetually find her/him-self in an abusive situation, may have been raised in a dysfunctional family system in her/his home of origin. That can program us to be susceptible to vitimization. There are techniques and repairs to get this programming changed.

Third ---- if someone seems stuck, and complains over and over again about what's wrong but doesn't change anything in their situation, it's because they haven't yet gotten the resources (which I talked about in #two) to begin on the path toward doing things differently and making changes. Don't badger them for not changing. Help them find the resources.

Fourth ---- very few people actually "play the victim." It does happen, but less often than most of us think. Often, you'll see vilolators claiming to be victims. Ironically, for many of these people, though they're violators now, there was a time and a place (usually in childhood) when they were victimized. That's what damaged them to the point where, as a defense against further victimization, they become offensive. So, though it's not true that they're victims in the situation in which they claim to be, they may once really have been somebody's victim, in a time and place, long past. (This does NOT excuse their offenses!)

Fifth ------ seems like our culture has begun to want to make the term "victim" a put-down. I'm opposed to this, for the reason I stated above. Being a victim is not the fault of the victim. To imply that being a victim is something bad, or to be stigmatized for having been victimized, victimizes the victim again!

In my opinion, society may want to disparage even the term "victim" because it generally does so little to prevent victimization in the first place. Much EASIER to say it's a bad thing and nobody should admit to being one.

It's kind of like having been raped. There was a time, not all that long ago, when shame was heaped upon the person who was raped. Obviously, the shame rightfully belongs to the perpetrator. But the victim was told if she hadn't worn a particular thing, or walked the route she chose or . . . . . . . fill in the blank. Now we do less of that and the shame of the act has begun to rest where it belongs, with the violator.

But as a person recovers from the violence of that violation, we'd find it offensive now to whisper to the victim, "Don't ever tell anyone what happened." Because we've come to understand that the shame belongs to the perpetrator.

Same thing with "victim." If, after having been victimized, we tell the survivor, "Don't ever call yourself a victim," the shame of having been violated continues to rest with the victimized survivor, who was NOT AT FAULT.

I do use the word survivor more often than victim, because it holds within it more poitive energy. But I'm not averse to using the term "victim." I also use "target." If you read my writing, I habitually use all kinds of synonyms for particular words, to keep my writing energetic and readable. But I'm not opposed to using the word, "victim."

Sixth ---- we can be victims and survivors and success stories ---- simultaneously. Recovery isn't linear. We can make changes and make headway in some or many areas, and still be struggling in others. Ask me. I've made enormous progress in huge parts of my life, but I can't bring you inside my wonderful home, till I get the mess under control. But I can sit with my laptop in the middle of that mess, and make a difference with what I have gotten repaired.

Also, even when we're still in the bleakest of circumstances, even when we're shackled and beaten, we can be survivors and transcendant, within. Any Holocaust survivor will tell you that, that's exactly how they endured their living hell, to emerge and make new lives, afterward.

Seventh ---- victims can heal, with appropriate and effective resources.

On this historic celebration of the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, let's be delighted with the progress the first democracy on earth has made. Many violations and wounds remain to be healed. But in 2009 we're about to usher in an era of progress, for which we can all feel joyful and proud.

Take care, be well ----- stay stuck together.

IW