I think many abusers feel damaged or abnormal inside, even if they don't admit it. They justify their damaged feelings to some illness or childhood event. That leads to a behavior of "comparing scars". In other words, "I am justified in abusing you or having this behavior because my childhood was worse than yours or because I have this mental illness." Many of them did have abusive childhoods, and they feel like victims of the world because of it.

The first abusive woman I was with took the attitude of "the whole world should respect me because I am a single mother whose husband was an asshole and left me; you don't know how bad I have had it; I need to drink and smoke weed just to cope." For awhile, I went along with it, and felt empathy for her situation.

The woman I am with now uses PTSD, Mental illness, addiction, and childhood abuse as comparisons. In other words, I should be more forgiving of her because her mother beat her, she has mental illness, and because she has overcome so much in overcoming drug addiction.

Of course, other abusers could simply be crafty at manipulation, and know they have found an empathetic person, and whine about everything just to get their hooks into you.

Granted that often abusers have had bad parenting and it can make the nicest person into a mess, but plenty of people go through the same thing, choose to seek help and come out the other side as a lovely person.

One of my best friends had a mother who tried to kill her and went on to live in foster care but she's the nicest person you could ever meet. Another person I know has a personality disorder but sought many years of therapy and is kind and gentle. Neither of them talk about their past and use it as an excuse.

My abuser on the other hand felt like the world owed him one. If any thing ever went wrong it was someone else's fault. He hadn't been through any obvious abuse or mental illness (though I now believe he picked up his mother's narcissism and lack of empathy).

At the end of they day, people make excuses to justify their bad behaviour so that they can continue to do it. The rest of us would say "Wow, what I did wasn't acceptable. There's no excuse for it and I won't do it again."

I had a horrific childhood too. I have mental illness too. But, I never use that as an excuse for me physically or verbally abuse my husband. Once an abuser, always an abuser. These type of indiviuals know what they are doing...They specialize in fear and intimitation. Abusers never take responsibility for their actions. It's always someone else's fault. Abusers are very cleaver, and cunning, and dangerous. Don't ever underestimate your abuser!

My friend told me an old tiger never changes his stripes. I can't even discuss the abuse with my friends and family. they would flip and I think they would think I was totally crazy. Right now I am using every online option to vent, release, learn and get help. thanks

There are so many benefits. Like u said about the fixing and healing them. Also it is the exact opposite of what they try are and what better way to hide than to hide behind the exact opposite of what they are!

Also this confuses the true victim because if the abuser is the victim and is adamant that he or she really is then doesn't that make the actual victim the abuser? If the abuser is upset and saying to the victim "I'm a victim of you because you've done, said etc" then the real victim is now the abuser and the real victim feels responsible and sorry for her / his abusive ways because she / he knows only too well of the pain of being hurt!

The victim has most probably been abused in the past maybe in childhood and has vowed never to be the abuser their selves!

The abuser has more than likely also been abused in the past but unlike the victim has never got to that stage of change and is still believing that they are being abused in some way or if its not a belief then it's a learned behaviour of manipulation they picked up from their abusers in the past and now uses it to be in control of their own lives (which is wrongly done through controlling other people, so relatively speaking they never attain actual self genuine control, but have attained control of the abuse!)

Not to mention the actual selfishness that abusive people hold. It's all about the self! All about them, never about anyone else. Therefore having understanding and empathy towards other actions and most likely reactions goes out the window!

And it mostly reactions that they receive from a direct result of their consistent mistreatment towards other and lack of respect.

This therefore becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and then they get the reaction they deserve but internalise it as an attack instead of karma!

Or again they get you to react so they can then maintain the mask of the victim so they harness in on what you did to them and forget about what they've done to you because your reaction is usually out of control in frustration and you also feel bad for that and they know it!

"I can't even discuss the abuse with my friends and family. they would flip and I think they would think I was totally crazy"

You might be surprised. I had a lot of people tell me that they never understood what I saw in him. Some people had even witnessed the abuse (which I thought was too mild to be noticeable). My family was outraged and protective of me, though initially they were a little confused because I'd kept so quiet about it.

I had an *occasional* person tell me that I was mistaken, that he truly loved me blah blah blah and I just wrote them off as friends. One woman wrote him a character reference while her husband calmly told me that he'd seen my abuser hit me on the arm and had thought to himself that if he ever saw him lift a hand again, he'd "deck him." I'd still talk to the husband if I saw him around but not her.