I think what is going on is as you are trying to pull away from him, he does what abusers always do and tries with everything he has to get you to stay. He is playing you, and of course since he is being so very nice and pathetic it is making you feel guilty and long for him.

I think you should go back and read your other posts so you will remember the reasons why you are leaving. If you haven't done Ilene's clarifying card index, you really should so you can go back and read what you wrote when you are feeling as you do now.

Please do not let your abuser take your strength away again.
Remember, they will say or do ANYTHING to get you back.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are on auto pilot because of the divorce. This is a good thing because your doing what u need to do!

As far as why u feel u long for him, it's the old him. It's sad to let go of that possibility of what if. But don't forget it's only a possibility it's not what u actually have in him and saying that, it's not likely it's at all possible anymore to have what you once had because you've tried and tried and tried and now you've cme to the end of the line with what your willing to put up with.

You've just not had your heart interact (because of auto pilot) with you logical mind so the two are seperate and are conflicting and it's confusing!

Hun, do u remember that man that u loved, your man! Well he died a long time ago and I'm so sorry but he's not going to be coming back! I don't know who that man is in front of you, he looks like the Man U fell in love with, sometimes he sounds like him and has his mannerisms but his energy isn't the same, it's not him, it's someone else that really you just don't love. You may feel sorry for this stranger but you don't love him.

Let go of this stranger, grieve for the man you loved.

That's the best advice I can give you at this moment.

Also keep posting in here for some support, you sound like you've been needing it. Don't put it off, u know we are always here for you xxxx

Thank you. I am filled with overwhelming grief. I called my husband and postponed the mediation. I called my therapist because I was doing so well for so long and this hit me like a ton of bricks. My therapist told me what I am feeling is completely normal. That no matter how bad a relationship is when it is nearing the end a person will feel like someone has died, in essence because my marriage has died. She told me she does not think I'm making the wrong decision by getting a divorce but told me that if there is any part of me that is second guessing or reconsidering that I need to do that when I am more clear headed and not now.

I am hurting so badly. :( even thinking of all the things he has done and said I can't help but think of the good guy he is deep down. I have seen posts by some similar to mine in the past so I assume others have felt this too. I am literally sick to my stomach over this.

Knowing all this I still can't help but cry, grieve, feel completely crushed....... :.(

Hi Confused!

I'm sitting here trying to think of something supportive to say.

Something positive to make you feel better.

I can't in good conscience jump on the leave him bandwagon because I don't know you and I don't know him.

I can't in good conscience tell you to forgive all of the crappy things he said and all the crappy things he's done.. cause again, I don't know you.

Only you can decide if your life will be easier with him or without him. Only you can decide if what he can add to your life outweighs the times he has hurt you. Only you can decide what matters to you!

People are complex. We are all a combination of good and bad.

This site talks a lot about "Abusers" like it's a species or something. If it were only as simple as mankind coming in just 2 types of people.. The Victim and The Abuser. It would be cut and dry for sure.

I know one thing.. No matter what you decide. You can be ok. Cause 'OK" is mostly about attitude.

Sending good thoughts your way!

It's all perfectly normal, as your therapist said.

You put a lot of thought into this decision - that doesn't mean you can't change your mind, but I like your therapist's idea to wait until you have a clear head.

You say he wants sex, you say he asks for hugs and you "don't hate it". What is he giving? That was always the problem in your posts - he was always about what he wanted what you had to or should give, but never ever about his giving. You say you are sad for him, does he show compassion for you?

Please take good care of yourself, post whenever you need and, whatever you decide, we are here for you.

And christy? Thanks for once again diminishing and invalidating almost every person on this board.

She has said "this site talks a lot about "abusers" like it's a species or something"
Is this not a group for support for people dealing with physical and emotional ABUSERS???
Doesn't it make sense the word abuser would come up a lot on this site, as that is what this site is about?

She is the only one here who has no clue what other people here are going through, or have gone through.

She is not diminishing us,
She is only diminishing herself.

It is a group for people who have been abused.

My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive at times.

That does not mean he is a monster. I have a hard time with labels and diagnosis.

I could make index cards of every horrible thing he has ever said to me. I could read them over and over again to make sure I felt good and sorry for myself. That is not my way.

He is who he is and when he insults me it doesn't make it true.

Like you said, Gem.. when somebody says something we don't like.
It Doesn't diminish you. It diminishes them! I'm glad you said that, Gem!

Don't take my opinions personally. I am only posting my opinions and my experiences and how I deal with my problems.

Please don't get mad at me because I choose a different way.
I have every right to my opinion.

I wanted to add that Yes, Gem.. the word abuser will come up of course. that is not my issue.

I have an issue with members telling other members. point blank.

"Your husband is an abuser" "He will NEVER change" " Run for the hills now"

You could be steering someone wrong with that advice.
If it was the right choice for you, that is wonderful.

But when we start laying it out in concrete terms as to what another person ( one we haven't even met in person) should do.

That is wrong.

Lots of women
(and a few men)
who've hung around
looking for the good
in a partner who has
consistently abused them,

end up dead.


christysays -----

You're certainly entitled to your opinion.

If you have a hard time with
labels and diagnoses. . . . .
it's certainly your prerogative
to disregard and ignore them.

The problem with presuming
that an abuser will not kill

is that we won't know
until he (or she) . . . . does.

And then we'll know.

At that point, there is
a very definite,
non-disregardable
label.

But by then. . . . .

an innocent,
loving,
compassionate,
caring

victim

has been slain/ended/murdered.

(And if it's their SPIRIT
that's been extinguished. . . .

then that's pretty much
as bad.

Everyone is entitled to your opinion.

My professional opinion

is that when someone has
shown you who they are
and how they treat you. . . . . .

and if that treatment
demonstrates a
pattern of abuse. . . . . . .

RUN FOR YOU LIFE.

If they're capable of
redemption and they
want to do the work
to become non-abusive,

then that's their responsibility
to do that.

Confused2013. . . . . . . .

You're sad, hurt and confused
because someone you loved
and trusted
ABUSED
that love and trust.

Yes, it's hard.
But if you
value your life
and your time
in this body. . . .

keep moving
AWAY
from abuse
TOWARDS
a life
FREE of abuse.

Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
Take good care.

Christy, I never take what you say personally.
You are only posting YOUR experiences. You are right, you know nothing of the people up here.
You say Christy,
"the word abuser will come up of course. that is not my issue."

Christy, you are not telling the truth, you just said in this thread "this site talks a lot about "abusers" like it's a species or something"
You are the one who made it your issue.

Christy, I have noticed before you have a habit of twisting words. To each his own.

Confused --

Firstly, I'm so sorry you are having such difficult, stomach-twisting feelings.

Secondly, I'm sorry that your request for advice, positive energy, and validation is being derailed. :-(

I think you have taken really good steps to take care of yourself all in the midst of this roiling emotion -- postponing the mediation and calling your therapist. GOOD JOB, YOU!!!!!

There was a thread on here a couple weeks ago about these types of feelings ... I responded to it for writing an elegy/eulogy for my marriage. It *really really* helped me to get clear in my mind that I was not grieving for my husband, specifically, but for my marriage and for the man my husband could occasionally, but not often, be.

It is DESPERATELY sad when a dream dies. When we admit to ourselves that this person, this partner, we chose cannot be his best self - cannot be married to us without hurting us.

Feel the sad feelings, as hard as it is. In my experience, and from talking to others, the feelings lessen in intensity by feeling them.

Post here, or write in an online or offline journal, as often as you need to.

Letting go with love- you can love people in different way- even from a distance. You can also love people who you do not have a relationship or contact with. Deciding that a relationship with someone is harmful for you and it is beneficial for you to end it, does not have to mean that you have to stop loving him. After all, it is his actions that you cannot deal with. I think its ok to have feelings left, but you yet have to do what is best for you. Wishing you much courage!

Sometimes our brains take on a life of their own when we are in stressful situations. Take time to sort your thoughts. If after a couple of days you still feel confused put everything on hold til you are able to think clearly. If you still feel you are in the right frame of mind you are going to deal with everything better and you will heal quicker. It sucks that you are dealing with this. ((Hugs)).

Perhaps the clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic should be used instead of Abuser. There is much to read about out there about Narcissists. This might be helpful,