Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Pasted in from today's
Wolf's Daily Howl:
Thanks, ~~~~~~. Some great points for discussion.
Today Ill talk about validation. The Howl after that will
be about how what emotions connect or disconnect us.
Over the course of my journey to recovery, Im happy
to say that, in large or largest part, I changed from being
a primarily externally-directed person to being a primarily
internally-directed and internally-determined person. Thats
an enormous change and makes a major difference in how I
live my life and how I feel.
That doesnt mean that Im completely disconnected from
others, and what others think, feel say and do. Im still
affected by others opinions, though significantly less
than I once was.
What Ive just written is a very personal observation. Now
Ill turn to less personal and more generic observations.
In regards to what a human being needs:
For physical survival, we need oxygen; we need water;
we need food and we need sleep. Without these essential,
a human will die, sooner or later.
What we have in addition to these physical necessities,
such as shelter, clothing, exercise, proper nutrition, sex
. . . . these sorts of things . . . . . as wonderful as they most
assuredly are, are technically not necessary. We dont
need them to survive.
Psychologically and emotionally, we can survive without
lots of things. We can survive without relationship. We
can survive without a happy childhood. can survive without
education. We can survive without a gratifying livelihood.
We can survive without a loving embrace. We can survive
without having children. We can survive without recognition,
acknowledgement, affection, validation, recreation, attentively
prepared food, music, singing, dancing, visual beauty, silliness,
laughter, houseplants, pets. . . add your own thoughts to this list.
Having acknowledged that anything in the above paragraph is not
a necessity essential to survival, they arguably are essential necessities to holistic wellbeing.
Singling out the topic brought up for discussion. . . . .
the validation of others. . . . .
We can survive without being understood and validated
by others. So yes. . . . technically then, we dont need
validation.
But for me, in my experience, the withholding of validation
by abusers Ive known, has left painful memories in my life
and scars on my psyche.
So now, when Im not understood, or ---- as I experienced
this past week ---- others who heard what I had to share
about what happened to me but who simply couldnt relate
to what Id been through ----- to me it felt like an echo of
the abuse from other times.
Im not saying the people who didnt understand what Id told
them about what Id experienced were being mean. Absolutely
not. And Im not saying that their understanding me and validating
me was a necessity to me. Again. . . . . not the case. Whether they
understood or validated me, or not ----- I got through the post-event
times and am on my way out the other side.
Just that, not being understood and validated left me feeling
very alone ---- again.
And in fact, understanding and validation by others are two
of the healing aspects of support groups and circles, on the
ground circles or on-line forums.
Validation, like nutritious, carefully prepared food, is not
absolutely essential to survival. We can get by on unseasoned,
basic food, like uncooked eggs or potatoes pulled straight from
the ground. We can survive. Well probably get by.
But a salad thats dressed, food thats prepared, and people
who understand, recognize us, and who validate us . . . . . provide
a level of wellbeing that goes beyond survival.
So. . . . do I need validation?
Fundamentally I dont. I can survive without it.
But sometimes I do.
In my opinion, validation is like balanced nutrition
as well as herbs and spices. In regards to quality,
life is supported, with it.
Thats the thing I missed last week.
I didnt sleep much last night, with the house
shaking, this time in hurricane winds. Happily
Irenes nearly past us now. What a week this has been.
Wolf's Daily Howl:
Thanks, ~~~~~~. Some great points for discussion.
Today Ill talk about validation. The Howl after that will
be about how what emotions connect or disconnect us.
Over the course of my journey to recovery, Im happy
to say that, in large or largest part, I changed from being
a primarily externally-directed person to being a primarily
internally-directed and internally-determined person. Thats
an enormous change and makes a major difference in how I
live my life and how I feel.
That doesnt mean that Im completely disconnected from
others, and what others think, feel say and do. Im still
affected by others opinions, though significantly less
than I once was.
What Ive just written is a very personal observation. Now
Ill turn to less personal and more generic observations.
In regards to what a human being needs:
For physical survival, we need oxygen; we need water;
we need food and we need sleep. Without these essential,
a human will die, sooner or later.
What we have in addition to these physical necessities,
such as shelter, clothing, exercise, proper nutrition, sex
. . . . these sorts of things . . . . . as wonderful as they most
assuredly are, are technically not necessary. We dont
need them to survive.
Psychologically and emotionally, we can survive without
lots of things. We can survive without relationship. We
can survive without a happy childhood. can survive without
education. We can survive without a gratifying livelihood.
We can survive without a loving embrace. We can survive
without having children. We can survive without recognition,
acknowledgement, affection, validation, recreation, attentively
prepared food, music, singing, dancing, visual beauty, silliness,
laughter, houseplants, pets. . . add your own thoughts to this list.
Having acknowledged that anything in the above paragraph is not
a necessity essential to survival, they arguably are essential necessities to holistic wellbeing.
Singling out the topic brought up for discussion. . . . .
the validation of others. . . . .
We can survive without being understood and validated
by others. So yes. . . . technically then, we dont need
validation.
But for me, in my experience, the withholding of validation
by abusers Ive known, has left painful memories in my life
and scars on my psyche.
So now, when Im not understood, or ---- as I experienced
this past week ---- others who heard what I had to share
about what happened to me but who simply couldnt relate
to what Id been through ----- to me it felt like an echo of
the abuse from other times.
Im not saying the people who didnt understand what Id told
them about what Id experienced were being mean. Absolutely
not. And Im not saying that their understanding me and validating
me was a necessity to me. Again. . . . . not the case. Whether they
understood or validated me, or not ----- I got through the post-event
times and am on my way out the other side.
Just that, not being understood and validated left me feeling
very alone ---- again.
And in fact, understanding and validation by others are two
of the healing aspects of support groups and circles, on the
ground circles or on-line forums.
Validation, like nutritious, carefully prepared food, is not
absolutely essential to survival. We can get by on unseasoned,
basic food, like uncooked eggs or potatoes pulled straight from
the ground. We can survive. Well probably get by.
But a salad thats dressed, food thats prepared, and people
who understand, recognize us, and who validate us . . . . . provide
a level of wellbeing that goes beyond survival.
So. . . . do I need validation?
Fundamentally I dont. I can survive without it.
But sometimes I do.
In my opinion, validation is like balanced nutrition
as well as herbs and spices. In regards to quality,
life is supported, with it.
Thats the thing I missed last week.
I didnt sleep much last night, with the house
shaking, this time in hurricane winds. Happily
Irenes nearly past us now. What a week this has been.
I also loved the beginning of your article, because that is where I am at too, finally, only as of the last couple of months. I have finally reached a point where the bulk of my validation comes from within. It still feels great to be validated or complimented by others, but I no longer need it as much.
I think that the need for (external) validation is inversely proportional to emotional health and wellbeing - and to self-esteem. I also think that internal validation, which is one thing that tends to be entirely missing or destroyed by abuse, is near impossible to achieve without first receiving enough external validation to feel safe - in the context of abuse, such external validation coming largely from therapists and support groups.
My thoughts above are somewhat jumbled, so apologies for that. But thank you for the article ... definitely some stuff to think further about.
I always love what you have
to say. No apologies are
ever needed.
(For the record, Wolf's Daily Howl
is my blog.)