Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
**an inspirational email i rec'd today & had to share**
Happy day of love. It's great to know at least we are loved here :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valentine's Day is here again and - apparently - everyone,
everywhere is billing and cooing, emoting and obsessing about hearts
and flowers, and donning sun glasses to protect their eyes from the
light that shines from their partner's nether end!! Except you!
It's not true, of course, but it may mean you're not feeling on top
of the world.
Valentine's Day is a day when it's easy to buy into all the hype.
Easy, but pointless. How about you use this day, instead, to think
about what you really want in a partner?
I'm guessing that someone who trots in and dutifully deposits the
mushy card, and overpriced flowers, at your feet is better than a
burnt stick in the eye - or an abusive partner. But then most things
are. Still, you deserve so much better than that. I've worked with
so many women who don't even know - or feel entitled to choose for
themselves - exactly what they want in a man. That really doesn't
help. It's often said that asking is the beginning of receiving.
But you can't even really ask effectively, until you have a clear
idea of what you're asking for.
So why not use Valentine's Day not as a trigger for negative
thoughts, but as a stimulus for new beliefs and new beginnings?
And, remember, f you're struggling to know exactly what a good
relationship would look - and feel - like, help is at hand.
Warm wishes for your healing and happiness,
Annie
==============================================
"I Love Him, I Love Him NOT"
==============================================
Emotionally abused women are a tender-hearted lot. You could say
we're too tender-hearted for our own good. When we fall in love we
tend to treat our beloved too well, for too long. Especially when
he turns into a jerk.
There's nothing wrong with loving a man well and long. However,
these days I'm only prepared to love a man long and well if I've
screened that man as thoroughly as possible first, and he's proved
himself worthy of that love: He has to qualify for that love by
being an all round good guy; consistently nice - to me, to small
children, to furry animals (especially Basil Kaszina), to people in
the service industry, to my Mother, even nice enough to other
drivers on the road. And that's only some of it.
But that's not what how it works in an abusive relationship. We
don't evaluate an abusive partner carefully Chances are, we
probably don't evaluate him, at all. He showed up, he made the
right kind of noises - we took them personally - the rosy mist of
Love's Young (or Not So Young) Dream descended, and we became
pushovers.
Actually, we were always pushovers for the "L" word.
We love to hear it, and we get hooked on saying it. And the more we
tell ourselves how much we love him, the more deeply enmeshed we
become in the relationship.
Why wouldn't we?
The Power of Love (Lurv) is huge, in our society.
Which makes it curious that we only dedicate one day of the year to
celebrate the Power of Love, and the fat little god of Love (who
flashes his naked, diaper-free torso everywhere) and the magic power
of those wretched, tacky, red hearts.
Valentine's Day is not a good day for women who are suffering - or
recovering - from emotional abuse. So, before you get swept away by
the ersatz emotional tsunami of Valentine's Day, let's take a step
back and think:
How do you love an abusive partner?
The short answer has to be: with great difficulty and huge dollops
of auto-suggestion.
What do you love about him?
I've yet to meet a single woman who loved an abusive partner
unconditionally. (Now, that would be insane.) I've never heard a
woman say: "I love the way his face contorts with fury. I love the
way he tells me I'm a waste of space, and I'm incredibly lucky to
have him.
"I feel so touched by the way he yells at me, and puts me
down. I'm just crazy about the way he intimidates me physically.
It warms the cockles of my heart when he stops speaking to me for
days at a time, or stays out late and doesn't tell me where he's
been, or gets himself drunk as a skunk. I'm so moved by the way he
calls me filthy names. I love that he seems to hate my friends, and
behave badly towards my family. It makes my heart sing when he
behaves one way with the world and then, in private, he treats me
like dirt."
Do you know, I've never heard a woman say any of that?
What they do say - what you and I have, doubtless, also said - is:
"I love the role he was playing when I first fell in love with him.
I love the man I think he could be - he's not, you understand, but I
can see into his heart, I can see beyond what is to what it might be
one day - and I believe in the dream he could one day become"
He has no interest in making your dreams come true. His
relationship with you, to put it as simply as possibly is a "kick
the cat" relationship. Guess which role you play? And he gets to
do as much kicking as he feels like.
Not good, huh?
But let's get back to our starting point: are you really willing to
love this man exactly as he is? Anger issues and all? Distasteful
habits and all? Emotional cruelty and all? Disloyalty and all?
Contempt and all? Breathtaking nastiness and all?
If the answer is a "No", then the truth is you don't love him. You
may be needy and co-dependent, right now. You may be a hopium
addict. You may be frightened to walk away for fear of ending up
with something worse. You may be obsessing. But you don't love him.
Not wholeheartedly.
And that's great news.
Because it means the problems you're having can be not "fixed" -
who wants "fixing", for Heaven's sake? Fixing simply means sticking
broken bits back together again. Instead, the problems you're
struggling with can be resolved. Relegated to ancient history.
Done and dusted. Once and for all. Leaving you free to start
over.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Make sure you spend it with someone you do love, whether that is a
friend, a child, the family pet, or George Clooney on film.
What will you do today to show yourself that you matter?
Happy day of love. It's great to know at least we are loved here :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valentine's Day is here again and - apparently - everyone,
everywhere is billing and cooing, emoting and obsessing about hearts
and flowers, and donning sun glasses to protect their eyes from the
light that shines from their partner's nether end!! Except you!
It's not true, of course, but it may mean you're not feeling on top
of the world.
Valentine's Day is a day when it's easy to buy into all the hype.
Easy, but pointless. How about you use this day, instead, to think
about what you really want in a partner?
I'm guessing that someone who trots in and dutifully deposits the
mushy card, and overpriced flowers, at your feet is better than a
burnt stick in the eye - or an abusive partner. But then most things
are. Still, you deserve so much better than that. I've worked with
so many women who don't even know - or feel entitled to choose for
themselves - exactly what they want in a man. That really doesn't
help. It's often said that asking is the beginning of receiving.
But you can't even really ask effectively, until you have a clear
idea of what you're asking for.
So why not use Valentine's Day not as a trigger for negative
thoughts, but as a stimulus for new beliefs and new beginnings?
And, remember, f you're struggling to know exactly what a good
relationship would look - and feel - like, help is at hand.
Warm wishes for your healing and happiness,
Annie
==============================================
"I Love Him, I Love Him NOT"
==============================================
Emotionally abused women are a tender-hearted lot. You could say
we're too tender-hearted for our own good. When we fall in love we
tend to treat our beloved too well, for too long. Especially when
he turns into a jerk.
There's nothing wrong with loving a man well and long. However,
these days I'm only prepared to love a man long and well if I've
screened that man as thoroughly as possible first, and he's proved
himself worthy of that love: He has to qualify for that love by
being an all round good guy; consistently nice - to me, to small
children, to furry animals (especially Basil Kaszina), to people in
the service industry, to my Mother, even nice enough to other
drivers on the road. And that's only some of it.
But that's not what how it works in an abusive relationship. We
don't evaluate an abusive partner carefully Chances are, we
probably don't evaluate him, at all. He showed up, he made the
right kind of noises - we took them personally - the rosy mist of
Love's Young (or Not So Young) Dream descended, and we became
pushovers.
Actually, we were always pushovers for the "L" word.
We love to hear it, and we get hooked on saying it. And the more we
tell ourselves how much we love him, the more deeply enmeshed we
become in the relationship.
Why wouldn't we?
The Power of Love (Lurv) is huge, in our society.
Which makes it curious that we only dedicate one day of the year to
celebrate the Power of Love, and the fat little god of Love (who
flashes his naked, diaper-free torso everywhere) and the magic power
of those wretched, tacky, red hearts.
Valentine's Day is not a good day for women who are suffering - or
recovering - from emotional abuse. So, before you get swept away by
the ersatz emotional tsunami of Valentine's Day, let's take a step
back and think:
How do you love an abusive partner?
The short answer has to be: with great difficulty and huge dollops
of auto-suggestion.
What do you love about him?
I've yet to meet a single woman who loved an abusive partner
unconditionally. (Now, that would be insane.) I've never heard a
woman say: "I love the way his face contorts with fury. I love the
way he tells me I'm a waste of space, and I'm incredibly lucky to
have him.
"I feel so touched by the way he yells at me, and puts me
down. I'm just crazy about the way he intimidates me physically.
It warms the cockles of my heart when he stops speaking to me for
days at a time, or stays out late and doesn't tell me where he's
been, or gets himself drunk as a skunk. I'm so moved by the way he
calls me filthy names. I love that he seems to hate my friends, and
behave badly towards my family. It makes my heart sing when he
behaves one way with the world and then, in private, he treats me
like dirt."
Do you know, I've never heard a woman say any of that?
What they do say - what you and I have, doubtless, also said - is:
"I love the role he was playing when I first fell in love with him.
I love the man I think he could be - he's not, you understand, but I
can see into his heart, I can see beyond what is to what it might be
one day - and I believe in the dream he could one day become"
He has no interest in making your dreams come true. His
relationship with you, to put it as simply as possibly is a "kick
the cat" relationship. Guess which role you play? And he gets to
do as much kicking as he feels like.
Not good, huh?
But let's get back to our starting point: are you really willing to
love this man exactly as he is? Anger issues and all? Distasteful
habits and all? Emotional cruelty and all? Disloyalty and all?
Contempt and all? Breathtaking nastiness and all?
If the answer is a "No", then the truth is you don't love him. You
may be needy and co-dependent, right now. You may be a hopium
addict. You may be frightened to walk away for fear of ending up
with something worse. You may be obsessing. But you don't love him.
Not wholeheartedly.
And that's great news.
Because it means the problems you're having can be not "fixed" -
who wants "fixing", for Heaven's sake? Fixing simply means sticking
broken bits back together again. Instead, the problems you're
struggling with can be resolved. Relegated to ancient history.
Done and dusted. Once and for all. Leaving you free to start
over.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Make sure you spend it with someone you do love, whether that is a
friend, a child, the family pet, or George Clooney on film.
What will you do today to show yourself that you matter?
It's such a hard thing to resolve sometimes... we sometimes commit ourselves to loving someone fully before all the facts are in and then discover something horrifying after we're already attached. I suspect this is how I personally happened to deny the reality of my abuse for so long... Didn't want to admit to myself that I had a faulty sense of love for this person; If I could love someone who did these things to me, wasn't there something wrong with my decisions, or even myself? Therefore I neglected to admit the impact or severity of his actions and my reactions because it challenged and contradicted my own beliefs about love and the choices I made to protect this incomplete love.
Now I know it's okay to be wrong about love, to make mistakes in who we trust and love. I know it's okay to abandon a destructive kind of love. In fact, while I do not appreciate being treated so poorly, I do appreciate the experience because now I have more empathy and understand for the pain others. I better understand myself, my weaknesses and my strengths. It was a clear signal that there were things within myself that had to be changed and improved if I wanted to prevent and escape this kind of treatment in the future. I learned to pay attention to myself again, and to notice abusive traits much quicker.
Happy Valentines Day! May you all have a moment to attend to your own needs!
What I did today is laugh at work with my boss and our patients. In fact someone asked me if I had anyone special to share it with and I remarked, " no boyfriend, no problems" LMAO.
I came here as late as it is to say I love you to YOU fine folks and wish you the very best each and every day.
Happy Valentine's Day my friends at DS. :)
" He has to qualify for that love by
being an all round good guy; consistently nice - to me, to small
children, to furry animals (especially Basil Kaszina), to people in
the service industry, to my Mother, even nice enough to other
drivers on the road. And that's only some of it. "
He could never understand why it upset me when he was rude and mean to people on the road or on the phone.....
Excellent post hon! Needed this today!
Love & Hugs to all of you!
Laura
Hearts n flowers n chocs one day of the year and shit the rest? BAH HUMBUG!
i only wish i had read that earlier..
xoxo