So, I started this morning venting about my h's behavior and about my reaction...sigh. But I went to therapy at 1. I told the counselor I am ready to make a move. I don't realistically think that I can just up and leave the state and expect all to go smoothly and the more I think about that option, the more I realize I don't even want to do this. I am tired of running. Tired of playing some sick, perverse game of hide and seek with him. Tired of uprooting my kids. Tired of him calling all the shots and tired of being afraid damn it. I wasn't sure if, due to the fact that there has been no recent physical violence between us, the shelter would even take me and the girls. She pulled out the lethality assessment she did last week and actually let me see the results. For those of you who don't know (and I didn't) it is scored based on the answers to the questions--some of them rather mundane in my opinion. The lowest score is 8, meaning there is basically little chance that something will happen although something may; the highest is 18 and above which means extreme danger. My score (or our score I suppose) was 24. This literally floored me. She then filled out the shelter referral and faxed it over while I waited. Turns out, the head of the shelter now was my therapist at Crisis Intervention years ago and surprisingly remembered enough of my story that she approved it right away--all I have to do is let them know the approximate date I am coming and they will save a bed. I was worried about my cat, but apparently that is taken care of too. Our local animal shelter has a "safe pet" program where they will house and care for animals up to 90 days for women in the program. Another obstacle down.

I don't kid myself that any of this will be easy, and I'm still afraid and still have logistics to care for--such as talking to my landlord to see if he will write an "eviction" letter stating that he cannot renew the lease, yet hold the apartment for me until I can get back a couple weeks later. I still plan to meet with the attorney advocates next week also. Trying to be proactive and cut him off from any angle he tries to attack me from. I still don't know if the landlord will agree to my plan, or if he will tell me he is sorry but he doesn't want to get involved. I am just going on faith here--something I used to have a lot of, but have been missing for quite some time. I'm trying to find it again.

The most incredible part of the afternoon, though, was that I met with the children's therapist, Amber, after meeting with mine. I had done a semi-intake over the phone a couple weeks ago, but she still needed to meet with me one on one before seeing the girls. They will begin therapy next Friday afternoon. Amber was amazing! Incredibly, I have pretty much been stoic throughout this whole thing--talking to my therapist is more about practical matters and my anger. I sat down in Amber's office, she asks me how things are going. I said well...the girls are. She cut me off and said, no how are you doing. I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for a good 15 minutes. I was humiliated--apologized--didn't know where they had come from. She was so incredible and so...I don't know, but I am excited that the girls are going to be seeing her. In fact, I would prefer to see her to be honest (although I do like my therapist, don't get me wrong). Anyway, so that's another thing down.

I still have issues and plans that need to be cemented. I am still afraid of what the future holds once he realizes this time it's for real--I truly feel that something has broken finally and is beginning to heal--only this time, it is healing completely without his festering infection to stop it from being whole. I cannot describe the way I feel even to myself, but I just know it is different than ever before. I know in my heart that you guys have played a HUGE role in this--finally grabbing hold of the support offered and accepting that I am not alone. THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

Please keep praying for me that I can get over any hurdles that come my way!!