Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I will bump my previous post for those who don't remember or are unfamiliar. Anyway, since our last convo where I asked for no contact and he ended the conversation calling me a f*ucking nut, the following happened:
The next day (Feb 12):
Him: Sorry about things getting heated yesterday
Me: no response
Him (Feb 13): I take it we are giving up the possibility of ever reconciling
Me: no response
Him (Feb 13): Your silence I guess answers that question. I guess it's good luck and have a nice life.
Me: no response
Him: (Feb 18): Not sure if you care but I got the results back from my blood work.
Me: no response
Him (Feb 18): I knew something was wrong with me
Me: no response
Him (Feb 18): No need to respond, I just wanted to tell you.
Me: no response
Him (Feb 19): Can we talk soon?
***That evening I gave a lot of thought about whether to respond to this text. I knew he wouldn't leave me alone unless I gave him an ultimatum that I knew he wouldn't follow through on (and then disappearing in order to avoid). So I decided to respond as follows:
Me (Feb 20): what do you want to talk about?
Him (Feb 20): I don't want to end things the way we did. I want to have a relationship with you. I'll leave you alone for a while if it helps.
Me (Feb 20): I dont want to have a relationship with you unless/until you decide you want to try and save our marriage and are ready to go to marriage counselling. Until/unless that happens, I dont want any contact. Maybe someday we can be friends, but not for a while. If Im ever ready, Ill drop you a line and say hi some time. I dont have any hard feelings, Im not mad, Im just happier without you in my life right now. No drama, no crap, no conflict. Im finally at peace. I honestly hope you get the help you desire and that it all works out for you. Take care.
***The friend thing was BS btw, I have no intention of becoming friends with him at any point, just didn't want to get his back up***
Him (Feb 20): I am still getting help with my counsellor and also got my first hormone shot today. I guess I understand why you don't want any contact with me if your life is much happier without me. Take care and good luck.
Me (Feb 20): no response.
***I know he will never opt for marriage counselling, so I am not sitting around waiting for this. Nor am I wondering whether I will ever hear from him again as I'm sure I will at some point.
I am happier without him, my life is peaceful again without him, I deserve to be with someone who loves me and cares about my feelings and happiness. It's just that now that it seems like it is really "over" the anger is starting to settle in.
I'm angry that conned me into loving him. I'm angry that he married me when he didn't really love me. I'm angry that I wasted years of my life feeling like I was the one to blame, an awful, nasty, miserable person, that everyone hated me and that I'd never do any better than him. I'm angry at myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did even though I now realize he had manipulated my thoughts and feelings so much that I didn't even understand what was happening to me.
I had been wondering why I hadn't experienced much anger until this point and I understand it's because up until now (at least for the last couple of months) I wasn't really 100% sure it was over. But now it has become clear to me (it's not like I didn't already know this, it's just resonating a lot stronger now that I have put my foot down and called BS on all his excuses) that if he really loved me and wanted to save our marriage he would do anything to make that happen. But he isn't, of course. That's all I need to know...all the proof I need...but I'm still crazy angry about it. Thanks for reading/listening and letting me vent all! I don't know what I'd do without this place and all the wonderful people here!
The next day (Feb 12):
Him: Sorry about things getting heated yesterday
Me: no response
Him (Feb 13): I take it we are giving up the possibility of ever reconciling
Me: no response
Him (Feb 13): Your silence I guess answers that question. I guess it's good luck and have a nice life.
Me: no response
Him: (Feb 18): Not sure if you care but I got the results back from my blood work.
Me: no response
Him (Feb 18): I knew something was wrong with me
Me: no response
Him (Feb 18): No need to respond, I just wanted to tell you.
Me: no response
Him (Feb 19): Can we talk soon?
***That evening I gave a lot of thought about whether to respond to this text. I knew he wouldn't leave me alone unless I gave him an ultimatum that I knew he wouldn't follow through on (and then disappearing in order to avoid). So I decided to respond as follows:
Me (Feb 20): what do you want to talk about?
Him (Feb 20): I don't want to end things the way we did. I want to have a relationship with you. I'll leave you alone for a while if it helps.
Me (Feb 20): I dont want to have a relationship with you unless/until you decide you want to try and save our marriage and are ready to go to marriage counselling. Until/unless that happens, I dont want any contact. Maybe someday we can be friends, but not for a while. If Im ever ready, Ill drop you a line and say hi some time. I dont have any hard feelings, Im not mad, Im just happier without you in my life right now. No drama, no crap, no conflict. Im finally at peace. I honestly hope you get the help you desire and that it all works out for you. Take care.
***The friend thing was BS btw, I have no intention of becoming friends with him at any point, just didn't want to get his back up***
Him (Feb 20): I am still getting help with my counsellor and also got my first hormone shot today. I guess I understand why you don't want any contact with me if your life is much happier without me. Take care and good luck.
Me (Feb 20): no response.
***I know he will never opt for marriage counselling, so I am not sitting around waiting for this. Nor am I wondering whether I will ever hear from him again as I'm sure I will at some point.
I am happier without him, my life is peaceful again without him, I deserve to be with someone who loves me and cares about my feelings and happiness. It's just that now that it seems like it is really "over" the anger is starting to settle in.
I'm angry that conned me into loving him. I'm angry that he married me when he didn't really love me. I'm angry that I wasted years of my life feeling like I was the one to blame, an awful, nasty, miserable person, that everyone hated me and that I'd never do any better than him. I'm angry at myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did even though I now realize he had manipulated my thoughts and feelings so much that I didn't even understand what was happening to me.
I had been wondering why I hadn't experienced much anger until this point and I understand it's because up until now (at least for the last couple of months) I wasn't really 100% sure it was over. But now it has become clear to me (it's not like I didn't already know this, it's just resonating a lot stronger now that I have put my foot down and called BS on all his excuses) that if he really loved me and wanted to save our marriage he would do anything to make that happen. But he isn't, of course. That's all I need to know...all the proof I need...but I'm still crazy angry about it. Thanks for reading/listening and letting me vent all! I don't know what I'd do without this place and all the wonderful people here!
Your feelings are perfectly normal under the circumstances. Honor them and allow them to ebb & flow as they will do.
Sending you big healing hugs~
I am SO proud of you, and totally understand your blazing anger. He's waving bait around almost constantly. But why should you care, really? He's worn you down so much... You totally and utterly deserve peace and happiness now. You always did; he just was incapable of allowing you to have it!
Huge hugs and congrats! xxx
Just wanted to say that I think we can gauge a relationship by a simple yardstick...if we feel much happier without it, then it was not good for us to be in it.
I've been thinking about the abuse I endured from my family many years ago. Seems like I was so happy when I was on my own as a young person, and so unhappy when I was under their oppression. Relationships can be confusing, feelings obscure the truth...but if we look at the bigger picture...we can ask ourselves...was this relationship making me happy, or not?
Sometimes I think we need to forget about going along with things and look out for our own interest. It's easy to get tangled in a relationship and forget to look out for ourselves. We lose our self-esteem during oppression. I know, because it happened to me.
It's so hard to stand your ground when others are pushing your buttons...good for you, Wiggy. Look out for yourself and let your former partner deal with his own problems.
Beyond that - loving the clarity. Good for you!
So obvious he doesn't get it. Does not own up to his behavior with phrases like "I take it we are giving up the possibility if reconciling"
Seriously?!?! It infuriates me when they say things like "we". It's Them!!
Kudos to you Wiggy for not taking the bait! You showed incredible strength.
Everyone reminds us to trust our gut instincts. You say you feel peaceful without him. Stick with that.
You're worth so much more than that.
Sending strength and hugs,