Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I havent been able to post much lately. I read when I can, but I am so crazed lately I can barely keep my head up.
We're in the 90 day waiting period before we can proceed with the divorce. My eldest girl, N, (9-yrs old) has been feeling nauseas almost daily for months. I took her to the pediatrician friday and she was diagnosed with gasto reflux which is triggered by emotional stress. She started Prevacid and I'm looking for a psychologist for her. I am devastated.
Stbx came home friday night after an overnight business trip. Never said hi to the girls or my mom, who was over at the time. He corners me in the bedroom and talks about N. Asks if therapy is to help us all work things out. I said NO - its to help her through our divorce. He asks if there's any chance we can work things out.... I'm thinking to myself HE IS TWISTED. How dare he ask me that, in earshot of the kids so, everyone hears me saying NO. I am incensed.
He said he feels "so bad" for N. She's going to have to deal with shuffling back and forth every week. I panicked. Asked what do you mean Every week?? I said you'll have them every other weekend and one night during the week. He was snapping, angry and bitter and said, If I think he will settle for seeing his kids 6 days a month, then I mis-know him"!
I was crying and was hysterical. I couldn't help it. Im thinking he's going to try and take my girls. I pulled myself together. He comes out as I'm leaving for dinner with the girls and my mom and he's all passive - telling me to have a good time, asked if I needed cash, etc. So he looks like Mr. Nice Guy.
But I can see right through that!
Sunday was our youngest daughter's bday (L, she's 3). He was all passive and acting like father-of-the-year. It turned my stomach.
This morning I call my atty, spoke to the paralegal and she kept telling me I need to be in control and calm down. It's an emotional time for everyone. She was telling me we can't talk in front of the kids, etc.
She was just getting me more worked up because I felt like I'm crazy! I am not. I don't need to be told this - HE DOES!! He is TWISTED.
I'm sitting here, crying once again, waiting for the atty to call me back.
I know i have to stop losing it - but he threatened to take time from my kids - that's IT FOR ME.
We're in the 90 day waiting period before we can proceed with the divorce. My eldest girl, N, (9-yrs old) has been feeling nauseas almost daily for months. I took her to the pediatrician friday and she was diagnosed with gasto reflux which is triggered by emotional stress. She started Prevacid and I'm looking for a psychologist for her. I am devastated.
Stbx came home friday night after an overnight business trip. Never said hi to the girls or my mom, who was over at the time. He corners me in the bedroom and talks about N. Asks if therapy is to help us all work things out. I said NO - its to help her through our divorce. He asks if there's any chance we can work things out.... I'm thinking to myself HE IS TWISTED. How dare he ask me that, in earshot of the kids so, everyone hears me saying NO. I am incensed.
He said he feels "so bad" for N. She's going to have to deal with shuffling back and forth every week. I panicked. Asked what do you mean Every week?? I said you'll have them every other weekend and one night during the week. He was snapping, angry and bitter and said, If I think he will settle for seeing his kids 6 days a month, then I mis-know him"!
I was crying and was hysterical. I couldn't help it. Im thinking he's going to try and take my girls. I pulled myself together. He comes out as I'm leaving for dinner with the girls and my mom and he's all passive - telling me to have a good time, asked if I needed cash, etc. So he looks like Mr. Nice Guy.
But I can see right through that!
Sunday was our youngest daughter's bday (L, she's 3). He was all passive and acting like father-of-the-year. It turned my stomach.
This morning I call my atty, spoke to the paralegal and she kept telling me I need to be in control and calm down. It's an emotional time for everyone. She was telling me we can't talk in front of the kids, etc.
She was just getting me more worked up because I felt like I'm crazy! I am not. I don't need to be told this - HE DOES!! He is TWISTED.
I'm sitting here, crying once again, waiting for the atty to call me back.
I know i have to stop losing it - but he threatened to take time from my kids - that's IT FOR ME.
This may not help much
but what he did is a
standard tactic. He
did it to frighten you
and put you back in
a fog, where he has
more control.
Please find a way to
practice sel-care today.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
peace and better
days.
He is playng his game to prrfection. His performance is intended to unnerve you. Put a mental wall between yourself and him and do your best to ignore him. He wants to make you crazy in time for the divorce proceeding. Make it your goal to foil his plan, get your daughter well, and get through this time with strength and sanity.
Hugs for you.
Making himself look good and you bad in front of others is a totally intentional tactic. Kudos to you for figuring it out! I didn't until well after I was out, divorced and in therapy. Even with all that, it was still a good while before I stopped letting it bother me and instead just let him make an ass out of himself, as he eventually did.
The really sad and despicable thing here is what he is doing to the kids. I'm so glad you see it for what it is.
I'm sorry that you had to listen to the paralegal. Going thru a divorce is extremely stressful. Going thru a divorce w/a self-centered abuser is EXTREMELY stressful x 100. She should know that and have something more empathetic to say. She probably isn't well trained in how do deal w/upset clients. You might want to mention what happened to the attorney and ask that she be more understanding or if she can't, ask for another paralegal.
Can you get w/your terapist to work thru these triggers and learn some very specific self-care tools/skills so that you can make it thru these times?
Sending you big comforting hugs....
I agree with all that has been said, and can only offer my support since I have not much experience of what you are going through.
However, I do want to say something regarding his performances, both good and bad, in front of your girls.
As a child of an abusive father, I can tell you that I was confused for a while - he put me in a fog - but, the truth came out in the end. Now I have complete clarity over who he is and what he did.
With a great mother like you, I am confident that your girls will survive this interim period and the future in spite of his efforts to the contrary. The truth finds ways to come out eventually, and if he is anything like my father, he is only setting himself up to spend the coming years wondering why nobody wants a relationship with him. Your girls will come to know what really happened, and with your help they will heal, I am sure of it.
Thinking of you, and sending huge hugs. Please do vent at any time if we can help more xxx
Sorry you are going thru this. As you know, I am in a similar place. I think this about the worst part of the process. But its a cliche, what does not kill us , will make us stronger.
Bs about the paralegal. I think you will be so much better off without this stbx. I hope you are able to find love and peace. i have a line for ya to use against stbx nect time he tries to make himself look better at the expense of you. I have used this against the narcs and it baffles them..Tell him he must have really low self esteem if he has to to put other people down to make himslef look better. Then walk away. Works like a charm. Hang in there hun.
Martin
Hindsight is 20/20 but as someone from the other side, I can tell you it will get better. You will feel like you have solid earth under your feet again. Your kids will move on with you, and will recover from the acute stress you're all under right now. It will take time but it will happen. The best thing I did during all my turmoil was to make new memories with my kids. I took them on short trips to see and do things. I remember all the swirling emotions and pain but, in the middle of that, I remember trips to the art museum, asheville, the beach, etc. It not only helped them have a happy childhood in the midst of it all, it helped me survive it.
for your kids' sake, you do have to keep your cool. I gather he is doing this to say, see she's unfit, she can't handle the kids, look how neurotic she is, if you need to bite your tongue and draw blood so be it, just don't let that stupid man see you squirm.
This is a tough time and I am so sorry for your little girl, mine is 11 and she has had her share of abuse in the home, but she is coming out of it ok, so don;t worry there is hope.
He sounds like one of those men who when they get bored, want to rile everyone up think it's so funny and one big fucking game, I hope he get's what's coming to him. He sounds abusive too playing mind games.
Just be strong girl, stand in faith, give it to God that's what I do. God can make miracles happen, I believe it. And you just wouldn't know about what I am going through right now, makes for good reading, if you ever want to read my posts. lol.
Anyway my prayers for you and your daugthers and the peace that God can restore to your home after that devil man leaves. I pray your strength and wisdom will come through and you will be victorious in gaining sole custody of your children. That would be a blessing.
Take Care.
I have been practicing self care - took a mental health day today and went shopping w my sister. We pigged out, and got pedicures :)
I know this is his plan to ultimately make me look/ feel guilty, scared and the bad guy. But even knowing this, doesn't lessen the sting and pain it causes.
Stbx was extremely passive the last few days - all phoney I know. But I was just as "pleasant" back to him. It kills me that I look at him and think to myself.... How the hell could I ever have fallen for a "man" like him???
It's so sad to hear your story Rockin and what you went through. I long for the day my girls will get clarity.
Searching - that's a great idea! I will try and focus on doing lots of little fun things even tho I feel like I'm a mess inside. Because in the end, I don't want to look back on these times as all stressful and difficult. They need to enjoy every moment of their childhood despite their fathers selfish, phoney, idiocy.
Martin - I repeat that cliche saying often. And I listen to Fighter by Cristina aguilara - it always gets me pumped up and stronger.
Madashell - I'm sorry to hear what you and your girl went through. I'm glad she is coming through it. It's promising. Sending prayers and strength to you too. I'm praying for a miracle. I just want peace again.
I can't wait until he's out of my life on a daily basis.