I'm so sorry for your pain.

Have you done. . . do you
have stashed somewhere. . .
a stack of the Clarifying Index
Card exercise cards?

If you do, this is one of the
many times when perusing
the stack, card by card, may
be a good thing to do.

The percentage of abusers
who change in the smallest
way to be "better," LONG TERM,
is minimal. The percentage of
abusers who change long term,
to become NON-abusive is
INFINTESSIMAL.

If your abuser seriously
wants to co-parent, that's
possible. The possibility
of him being a healthy,
functional partner is
HIGHLY IMPROBABLE.

If he wants to show you
that he can, then let him
work with a qualified
therapist and do the
work he would need
to do. . . . and then
show you (in EIGHTEEN
MONTHS), that he has
made the changes
necessary to be
NON-ABUSIVE.

It's a very, VERY sad
thing to see a dream
we held dear, die.
You're entitled to
mourn the death
of that dream.

When you married, he
vowed to love, cherish
and respect you.

Instead, he ABUSED you.

Abuse BREAKS the CONTRACT!!!!!

When he abused you
he broke his vows
to you. He ENDED
the marriage the
first time he showed
you disrespect.

Now you're moving
away from the wreckage
of the dream you entered
into with him, with your
trust and good faith.
If he hadn't abused you,
you would happily
be with him.
HE ended the marriage.
His ABUSE broke the
contract you both
entered into.
YOU're just
cleaning up
the mess
he made.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

Please take good care.

Hi not,
just happened to see your post. I am so very sorry he is making things so hard for you.
I know he is an abuser, and you know abusers will do or say ANYTHING no matter what to get you back under their control again. This is his game now, he has you doubting yourself, and of course this is why he hasn't moved out.
I would like to suggest to you, that I believe would make you feel a whole lot better, ( as he seems to be trying to get you to think he has changed___or something) is to go back and read the very 1st post you made in the Physical and Emotional support group.
I also would like you to read all the responses--they come from the best,.
This is what he will become once again if you let him manipulate you into what HE wants.
I would suggest you print that post so you can read it if you have doubts along the way.
I wish you the very best!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

Hi,
I couldn't even imagine living w my husband while trying to do this... He had me wrapped so tightly around his finger....I could hardly think, talk, function.... I was an emotional wreck all the time and truly thought I was losing my mind....He told me I was too. He layed it on pretty thick about me "ruining my daughter life" by leaving and "breaking up" the family. What family....what a joke. I had to remember how much he really wasn't there....how he talked to me like crap in front of my daughter....how my daughter thru her early teens started dating abusive boys.....how he said things to me that made me doubt my own sanity always....how he could ALWAYS push my buttons.....be underlying cruel and aggressive in a very sneaky scary way.....

You need to now remember all those things that he is capable of that he did to you..... remember......write them down....don't let his so called "sweetness" get in your head.....They are SO GOOD AT IT....don't fall for it.....

I made a list the abc's of my screwed up husband ...... it's a list I look at often and say ....oh ya.......

Hang in there...... be strong...you know the truth

Hey not, I've been wondering how you were doing and am glad you posted. On the other hand, I'm so sorry that you are hurting and still having to deal w/the same old stuff.

First big red flag is that stbx still hasn't submitted his financials. Sadly it's not surprising.

Second red flag is that he is completely ignoring that you both are in the middle of getting a divorce.

I would venture a guess that he never agreed to move out because if he did move out, he'd lose his ability to feel in control AND to be able to manipulate you and the girls. He'd also have to admit to himself that he was losing his 'source.'

Of course you would fall out of love w/him and wouldn't want to be intimate w/him. Who would want to be intimate w/an abuser? Abusers create an environment of hurt, pain, shame, fear and dependence. Intimacy and love can't survive in that toxicity.

I'm not surprised he looked sad. He probably is...but not for the reason you or I would be sad. He's sad because he's losing his source and his ability to control and manipulate.

IMHO, you are grieving for the loss of all the things you dreamed about and wished for and thought he was. Grief is a normal response to any relationship ending. What we forget is that grief is also a normal response when an abusive relationship ends.

It's even harder to grieve because he's still there. I've heard the saying that divorce is like someone died, but they're still around to remind you of what you lost. This is especially true when ending an abusive relationship because they will not let go easily, even after the divorce is final.

Please allow yourself however much time you need to honor and feel your feelings. Your feelings will more than likely be all over the place - from anger to denial to sadness to fear, etc. Remember to practice extreme self care.

Sending you healing love and light....

I can relate. I too would have glimpses of the man I married. When we would share a laugh or a moment. But they were few and far between. The majority of the time was him being abusive.

I think his sadness is intentional. He wants you to feel sorry for him. The bottom line is he is responsible for the demise of the marriage. If he treated you with respect and love, there would not be an issue. Instead, he chose to abuse you.

My spouse also up until the last moment could not believe I was going to follow through with the divorce. The kicker was he was the one who filed. He never thought I would keep the ball rolling.

Hi Notmy--I haven't been around for awhile, and It's good to know how you're doing.

I think there will always be mixed emotions for both of us in our respective situations. After much thought, I still am not sure what makes our H's so control-hungry and manipulative. By that I mean, how much is intentional and how much is just a reflex response to the dysfunctional patterns they witnessed as children?

In the end, I don't suppose it matters; the bottom line is still that they are abusers and they can't or don't want to change. But occasionally, I am getting to the point where I can stop blaming my H and see him as a victim just like we are--only WE know it's harmful, and they don't seem to get it.

Thank you for the continued support :)

Yes Ilene I have quite a lengthy stack of cards I keep hidden. Thing is I'm able to clearly recall his behaviors. And that's helpful. It is the dream I'm mourning. Not so much him. I've grown so far apart from him and have been doing so much work on myself, I know he's not the right one for me anymore. The girls and I will be fine. In time.

Hi gem! Great advice. And it's true I read some of my older posts and it's helpful for 2 reasons: 1. Because it reminds me of those times, his behaviors, my reactions to them. 2. I see those behaviors creeping back in him again. It brings me even more clarity. And the best part is that I can actually see big changes and growth within myself ;)
I feel stronger than I ever thought I could or would.

Tk- I can totally relate to that emotional wreck feeling. And I can say for the most part I am getting farther from that and building back up my strength and self esteem. It's an amazing feeling :)

Hi MTC - yes it is the dream I'm sad about. And I am realizing - Albeit very slowly - that he's using me. He's staying bc he doesn't want to have to dig in his pocket for rent, once were divorced I'm removing him from my health insurance - he's pissed abt that. And of course child support.
I'm no longer letting his words get to me especially when he says things abt the girls - like how I owe it to them to try again. I simply say, YOU owed it to them to listen and hear me 4 years ago when things started to turn sour.

Meepmovin - isn't it crazy how they are in such denial?! Sending you strength hope things are looking up for you.

Q - so good to hear from u! It's been a while. I hope you find your peace and happiness :)

This is a very long road. It's hard. Bumpy. Sad. Stressful. But you need to give yourself time. Time and your own pace to heal. Then find happiness within yourself. It's there. It's just been buried and neglected for so long.

I am happy. I would b happier once he moves out and I can really b free if him on a daily basis. We have our girls so there will b communication tho. But I will have my life back. And I will b able to focus on my girls and make some wonderful memories with them.

I'm actually starting to feel excited to be on my own w the girls and without him. It's a great feeling :) I'll b in touch once we have that first meeting w our attorneys all together. I'm sure that'll b rough.

Sending hugs and strength ...