Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It's ironic but over the last few months I am starting to no longer consider myself a newbie. And for anyone in ANY kind of abusive relationship - which includes mental, emotional, verbal, physical, neglectful, condemning, projecting, confusing..the list goes on.
These ABUSERS DO NOT change.
The likelihood of it EVER happening, is SO SLIM.
I was told this in the beginning of my journey. I didn't want to believe it. I was with my stbx for 23 years - half my life! We were "soul mates" It was us against the world. We had been through SO much over the years, and started a family..
Well, little by little things started to unravel and I began to see him for the person he truly is. And as i started to stand up for myself, things got ugly. WHY? because the dynamics of our relationship began to change and I would no longer put up with his crap.
When I filed for divorce, he became Mr. Loving, Mr. Niceguy, Father of the Year.. as predicted by SO many WISE people on this board. And for those of you - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking by me, giving me the same advice repeatedly, not giving up on me, validating me, supporting me - you all helped me find my inner strength to move forward.
I still held out hope tho. Put the divorce on hold. Gave yet another chance - after 4 years of chances. Believed his promises, He even started individual therapy - which he was always dead set against. We went to another marriage counselor.
Well, the last few weeks have been VERY difficult because our eldest (9 years old) is very sick. And after months of me scouring the internet, trips to the pediatrician, starting with a therapist because I thought it was being triggered by anxiety, trips to her allergist.I finally found out she is sick. I knew she was. And now we'll be seeing a pediatric GI tomorrow and working to get her better.
Through ALL of this.. he has not done ANYTHING out of the ordinary to help or take an interest in our girl - other than the occasional text during the day asking how she's doing. He never took time off of work, he hasn't stayed up with her for hours on end while she's over the toilet feeling sick to her stomach, he hasn't spent night after night for weeks sitting on the couch with her in the middle of the night for hours snuggling with her until she was calm enough to fall back asleep.
But, he is able to wake up at 5am and get to the gym 5x a week. He is able to work late at night. He is able to wine and dine clients. He is able to hang out with friends and have plenty of "him" time.
So, for those that are new here. Give yourself time and as much space from your abusers as possible - it's the only way to see the forest through the trees.
Keep posting. Keep reading. Find your inner strength.
These ABUSERS DO NOT change.
The likelihood of it EVER happening, is SO SLIM.
I was told this in the beginning of my journey. I didn't want to believe it. I was with my stbx for 23 years - half my life! We were "soul mates" It was us against the world. We had been through SO much over the years, and started a family..
Well, little by little things started to unravel and I began to see him for the person he truly is. And as i started to stand up for myself, things got ugly. WHY? because the dynamics of our relationship began to change and I would no longer put up with his crap.
When I filed for divorce, he became Mr. Loving, Mr. Niceguy, Father of the Year.. as predicted by SO many WISE people on this board. And for those of you - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking by me, giving me the same advice repeatedly, not giving up on me, validating me, supporting me - you all helped me find my inner strength to move forward.
I still held out hope tho. Put the divorce on hold. Gave yet another chance - after 4 years of chances. Believed his promises, He even started individual therapy - which he was always dead set against. We went to another marriage counselor.
Well, the last few weeks have been VERY difficult because our eldest (9 years old) is very sick. And after months of me scouring the internet, trips to the pediatrician, starting with a therapist because I thought it was being triggered by anxiety, trips to her allergist.I finally found out she is sick. I knew she was. And now we'll be seeing a pediatric GI tomorrow and working to get her better.
Through ALL of this.. he has not done ANYTHING out of the ordinary to help or take an interest in our girl - other than the occasional text during the day asking how she's doing. He never took time off of work, he hasn't stayed up with her for hours on end while she's over the toilet feeling sick to her stomach, he hasn't spent night after night for weeks sitting on the couch with her in the middle of the night for hours snuggling with her until she was calm enough to fall back asleep.
But, he is able to wake up at 5am and get to the gym 5x a week. He is able to work late at night. He is able to wine and dine clients. He is able to hang out with friends and have plenty of "him" time.
So, for those that are new here. Give yourself time and as much space from your abusers as possible - it's the only way to see the forest through the trees.
Keep posting. Keep reading. Find your inner strength.
daughter's illness
and send prayers
for her speedy
recovery.
It's in the rough patches
we inevitably encounter
that we get to see true
character.
Thank you for sharing
this part of the journey
and addressing it to
"the newbies."
A hundred people
who've emerged
from abuse and
experienced
whatever we've
experienced can
make suggestions
but it probably doesn't
hold the weight of
the story of one
survivor still in the
midst of the escape.
Sending you and
your family love
and prayers for
all things to
turn out as
you'd wish.
It makes caring for your daughter easier since you won't be trying to please someone who simply cannot be pleased. You can focus on her, you and your other children.
It takes awhile to believe it but no, they do not change.
It is true, your post, what you said about them having so much time to focus on themselves, the gym, shopping for his clothes, furniture for his home, at the bar that he likes to go to, where they cater to him.
The partner, is just a player in his cast of his play.
Ilene: ".... A survivor in the midst of escape..." Made me cry when I think of it that way. It's so true.
Rose: I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Stress and anxiety does make gastric issues worse. Were you able to find a pediatric GI dr to fully examine him? The thing is my daughter has multiple life-threatening food allergies and Altho we are extremely careful that she not accidentally ingest any of her allergens, this illness (eosinophilia esophagitis) is related to those with food allergies - so I'm told. I have a list of questions for the GI dr today. In any event, we as moms know our children. And if we feel in our gut something is wrong it usually is.
Yes. WE have to change our circumstances. Because abusers rarely do. We have to stop the merry-go-round and get the hell off :)
I need to work on my self care. I know this. Because if I fall apart it'll affect my girls. I'm still aiming for peace for me and my girls at the end of this tunnel. I'll get there :)
Best wishes to all those who have sick lil' children to care for, pretty much alone, even when they aren't.
{{hugz}}