I hear you.

I don't know what happened to you, but I know how you feel.

But what I try to do is embrace the fact that we are NEVER in control... ever. As soon as I do that, I just relax knowing that this may be my last day to live life, so I drink it all in and really enjoy the moment.

Any way to look at it that way and shift the paradigm?

Hugs

You can feel safe as I have learnt to feel safe. I used to feel incredibly unsafe in all sorts of situations, but me feeling unsafe wasn't about a fear of violence like yours. My safety fears made no sense. For me it was about facing the situation and practising training your mind to live in the present and understand that even if there was something bad to occur, it wouldn't ruin your life there'd be further steps you could take to feel safe. My safety fears were irrational. As a very small kid (3 yrs old) I used to get locked in a cupboard by my crazy Nanna when she baby sat me and was so overwhelmed, I was too little to find the words to explain what was happening. I used to cry and my parents would say 'dont be scared and cry, it will be alright, you need to learn to have someone look after you other than us.' Then again when I was 5 yrs old during swimming lessons I used to cry and got pushed off a jetty by the swimming teacher and had my head held underwater, I was hysterical and it reinforced my cupboard story fear. I was also heavilly controlled by my parents and not allowed to do anything as a small child and my Dad would often lock the door. It wasn't until I was age 28 when I broke up from a long term relationship, I had sort of a breakdown and all these memories of being locked up and controlled as a child came flooding back and I was able to address my safety fears properly.

Hope this story helps you? To plug into the early childhood stuff can make sense of these irrational fears.

Lolly ----

Nothing about this
is okay.

I'm so sorry this is
your experience, in
life.

What you're describing
sounds like PTSD.

Something that has
helped many of us is
working with a
QUALIFIED therapist.

Please consider seeing
if you can get that set up.
Sometimes there's financial
assistence for mental health
care, within either health
insurance or social services.

A life lived in fear is
such a sad thing.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and
better days ahead.

I've been there too. In fact, I still am, in some ways. You're right. It is not okay. Not at all. If you haven't already found a therapist who is helping you get through this, that is a great suggestion.

As bad as the current situation is, it can also lead to other problems if not dealt with. I'd like to share a little of my experience with what it led to in hopes this will be motivating.

Here what I think it lead to for me: choosing to be with someone who was huge and scary due to the unconscious belief that he would protect me (he ended up abusing me physically), gastrointestinal disorder due to the stress, multiple ER visits for chest pain, being overly reactive to people and feeling isolated (lonely), quitting a good job, and moving far away to try to get to a safer place. I mean, if you live in a dangerous area, then yes, moving to a safer neighborhood or town can help.

I hope you feel better soon!