i also answered this on the other forum but incase they take it down, they do it becasue they think it is the best they can do...then they stay becasue most abusers are really sorry afterwards and shower them with affection and gifts...the reality is they feel bad and need to feel better. but often the abused dont see it that was. abusers work down self esteem, self worth and everything that is important to some one....to the point that they beleive what the abuser is telling them.

just my opinion!!

You really believe it will never happean again and the abuser just "flipped" mistook you for his last relationship. You do not expect it to continue and by the time you find out the pattern is set and it is too late you think or are dependent on this person one way or other

In my case... my stbx was never abusive toward me in any way... until AFTER we were married. Then I felt like I was obligated to make my marriage work... or at least try and of course he always apologized and things would be wonderful ...for a little while.

I even went and talked to my dad about the situation not long after I was married. He basically gave me a speech about how both people can't be in charge and that one of us ..??? wonder who???.... would have to just back down in order to get along. I never spoke to him about it again and pretty much never mentioned any of the physical abuse because I was humiliated.

I am very stubborn and was not going to move out because I had an older sister that moved out and she lost everything. The longer I stayed home with our 2 daughters.... the more depressed and trapped I felt. We moved from my home town about 11 years ago and I have no relatives here. Although I wanted out, I also knew that I couldn't support myself or my daughters on my own. I was afraid that I wouldn't get the financial support from stbx because....although he makes good money... he's pretty tight with "his" money.

After 20 years of being abused verbally and physically I finally left.... that was the first time I left him. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm still struggling.

He is constantly begging me to go back home. I stopped loving this man years ago.... but I do still care about him. I can't explain this to you.... I can't even explain it to myself. I'm not dumb... was actually a para-legal at the time I married stbx. I let the fear of the unknown keep me prisoner.... basically being too afraid to even attempt to make it on my own.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you.... and know it probably won't.... but that's the best I can do right now.

I think some women tend to see the good in people & think that they can or will change, in some cases they might. And since a lot of women are nurturers we think all we need to do is love them & be good to them & we'll eventually get the same in return. We think we can fix things & maybe the good in us will bring out the good in them. My ex was abusive starting about 3-4 mo into the relationship, I don't know, I just kept thinking he would change and he kept saying he would 18 years later, he was still the same. We split up 3 years ago & he STILL hasn't changed. I'm not sure that any of what I said makes sense...like I said, it's hard to explain.

I agree with casper. in my situation, there was a child involved from the get go. we got pregnant, and then married after she was born. the hardest thing for me all these years,is the fact that i have never been self sufficient. i went from highschool to being his wife. i've always depended on someone else financially. so now, 13 years later, i am busting my butt to get a job so i can be self sufficient, and leave.

As long as I can remember my stbx would switch between treating me kindly and getting angry about things I would have no idea he would get offended by. I refused to believe that his outbursts were 'emotional abuse' I really thought that I had just done something wrong and I was the one who needed to be fixed.


For four years the 'outbursts' became gradually worse. So did the verbal abuse. He made me believe that the abuse is all because of me, and how terrible I am. He told me I have so many problems that needed to be corrected. I still believe him. He wrote a litany of items that I have done over the years that make me a bad person/mother etc. He told me that if I ever try to take away my son from him he will turn the list in and the police/authorities will take my son away from me.


He made me feel like no other man will love me and that the reason I have lost all of my previous jobs/friends/whatever is because of how "bad" I am. I didn't want another failed relationship. I couldn't let my family know what was going on, they would just laugh. I couldn't tell him my stbx tried to kill me, has raped me, and pushed me down the stairs when I was pregnant. I felt so ashamed that this was even happening. My stbx would tell me how people would pat him on the back for dealing with so much '*rap" from me.


Also now because he can no longer work, and his disability check ran out I feel responsible for the outcome of this situation. I know he has every right to see his son but I want out of this relationship so badly right now. I don't want to run the rest of my life though. I don't want to pick my son up from school and find him missing or killed. I don't want to be killed either. I told him I would try to find a way to pay for the apartment we are living in now but I would try to get an apartment of my own. I really don't want to do this though. I don't want to be responsible for him the rest of my life. I have too many problems....that is why I have no friends (or so he believes)....isn't it? The truth is I have pushed friends and family away to be with my stbx. I didn't want him to judge them, which he already has even without knowing most of them. When he does meet them, he tells me how I acted stupidly/foolishly/or whatever around them and 'Ruby, didn't you notice how they looked at you? They were annoyed/disliked... (you fill in the blanks) heard it all before. I am a piece of *hit in his eyes.... except for during the 'honeymoon' phase when he thinks I am still with him or has control of me and the situation.


I stayed because I feel so much shame, guilt, humiliation and feel responsible for what I put him through. He doesn't deserve how I treat him? Does he? How do I treat him? I don't really know.. I thought I treated him with caring and understanding. I try to make my decisions on how he will react. I don't want him angry. Even now sitting her contemplating on leaving this weekend I know he will be upset and am afraid of what he will do. The shelter isn't an option, they no longer take me seriously. I can't involve work, they don't know my stbx is still around.


As soon as I have some funds to pay for childcare I will leave my stbx once and for all....and hopefully never look back. I am having a hard time leaving 'emotionally' as well as physically. Even after I left the last time, I hadn't left emotionally. I still was codependent on my stbx. I felt so much guilt about leaving I went back. I wanted to give him time to say goodbye to his son.


He tells me that I am a terrible mom and I don't deserve my son. I started a weblog to 'prove' to the world I am a good mom. I don't think I am such a terrible mom, I really think I can be ok without him. What makes me really angry is that when it comes to parenting 'his way' is the only way, and when Matthew is crying I have to hand my son over to him to be comforted. I have never had an real opportunity to develop the nurturing mothering self so that I can comfort my son without handing him a toy or trying to distract him with something. I want to be able to hug him and for him to know that my hugs mean everything is going to be 'ok'. I have nightmares about people taking away my son so they can 'parent' him or taking him away when I am being a 'bad mother'.


Sorry this is so long winded, thanks for posting this discussion it is helpful to hear what other people are going through as well.

Because the don't start out abusing you, they start "grooming" you for the abuse. They start out making you think all of the affection, and attention is because they like you so much, if they didn't care, they wouldn't be upset or whatever. Slowly over time the abuse increases, and they keep working at making your self-esteem and self-worth go down, and down and down. They masterfully convince you that the problems in the relationship are your fault, and if you could just do things right they wouldn't be upset. Pretty soon, the cycle is in place and you feel powerless to change it. You feel you owe them. They play on your emotions to the point that you don't know which way is up. They cry and pull at your heart strings and get you feeling sorry for them, and get you willing to do anything to make them feel better, even though they are the one that just caused the hurt. I could go on and on. Most abusers don't start out abusing, they gradually step up the abuse little by little, and you don't realize it till it is too late. I didn't realize that what my husband was doing was abuse until a counselor said it was. I thought because he was not hitting me, it was not abuse. But it was, it was/is verbal and emotional abuse. It was/is control.

I am currently proceeding with a divorce, but still trying to save my marriage. Dumb? Maybe, but I need to know I did everything I could to save the marriage.

Wow BeckyK, you phrased that so well! Yes they do 'groom you' yes this is the start of the abusive cycle. Yes they do make you believe it is all your fault and you are the ones with the problems.... not them.

alright... i looked over my post, and i realize a couple of things did come out clearly... and i was pretty passionate when asking, so a few other things did not... and well... the abuse that blooms over a long period... i understand that... it is the old addage of how to properly cook a frog. well... to properly cook a frog one must put them in room temperature water, and then slowly heat the water up, and because the temperature is rising slowly, the frog doesn't even realize that it is being cooked because it is already used to the temperature. whereas if you throw a frog into boiling water it will jump back out immediately because it knows how hot the water is...
You see, i was like that... with the g/f... when i was "thrown into the pot"... i knew that the water was boiling, and jumped out... but... yeah... i don't really know where i am going with this.

And also... i love how much thought and seriousness you guys are giving my question. I think that is pretty amazing.

The reason why people don't leave is because they live with the fantasy that the abuser will change not understanding that as time goes by, the abuse gets worst. Also, abuse is very familiar to them. You probably an exception to the rule.

sometimes i think we decide we will only look at the good, we give the relationship a chance, knowing that everybody makes mistakes...and before we know it we are over our heads....and it's harder to get out of the relationship...so sometimes i think we are ready to extend grace and forgiveness because we see the good too.....

I guess that never happened to me, the guy always waited until we felt solid. Usually wouldn't see red flags until after month 6. In fact I had a policy not to see anyone longer than 6 months! I'd tell the guy that on the second or third date and they'd be like, "What? Who ARE you?" and I'd say, sorry that's the breaks dear, in 6 months I'm moving on.

Why I Stayed

I came from generations of abuse. My grandparents were abusive to my parents on both sides. My parents (even step) were abusive to their children. I was abusive to my child. My nieces, nephews and cousins are abusing their children. Grand nieces and nephews are also abusing their children.

I learned to be abused as a child. When I met my husband, I didnt know he was an abuser. I didnt know anything about abuse. I knew my family had problems but my husband seemed different because he was so nice. I wanted the relationship by the time he started the abuse. Yes I lived in a fantasy world. The first outburst wasnt as bad as anything I had ever been used to. He seemed so much nicer at other times. Then when he said he was sorry and that he would make up for it that was a real difference for me. I never heard my parents or anyone else in my family repent for their wrong behavior. In my mind this was a beautiful human being that was humble (yes now thats laughable) and willing to change. I was almost hooked for life.

Fast forward to us joining a church and becoming Christians. I was raised in church all my life. I have witnessed unspeakable abuses and at that point still didnt recognize them as abuses. I was in maximum denial.

Anyway, after joining a church we went to the pastor for counseling. BIG MISTAKE!!! I was told that God can do anything. He could fix my marriage, change my husband, etc. With tears in his eyes my husband confessed to wanting to change. I was more hooked. I spent many years after that in church praying, paying money, etc. hoping God would work a miracle. I was told that I wasnt reading the Bible enough, my faith wasnt strong enough and many countless other lies that I swallowed as if they were a gourmet lunch.

I would go home and cry out to God when I was alone on my knees. We would go to church and the brothers would tell me not to worry they would help.

Years of BS went by and he got worse.

On top of everything else, my mother who I was still addicted to at the time was telling me on a routine basis that he was a good man, that I shouldn't leave him. She knew about some of the abuses but she had "suffered worse things and what I was going through was nothing compared to her life". Other Christians including pastors and Great Men of God said he has a great ministry before him and that I should hold on and wait until my change came.

It is very hard writing this now because as I look back I get angry about the lies and deception still going on in many churches to this moment. I still know others who havent escaped as I have. Sorry, back to me.

As people kept telling me what a great man he was because that is all they saw I was hooked completely.

Yes, I had very low self-esteem. Not to mention a few disabilities. I depended on others to tell me what to do. I depended on my husband financially. I dont do that anymore.

It wasnt until I got into recovery for other personal problems that I realized how serious this was and how low my self worth was.

Once my eyes were opened and I came out of denial, I started on a journey that will lead to my exit. My miracle is me changing my life and not listening to the wrong people any more. I no longer need others to tell me what is good for me. I find out for myself. I still believe in God but I no longer have a codependent relationship with Him expecting Him to do for me what I can do for myself.

Thanks for this question. It helped me to get that out.

I stayed with a guy I had just started dating who abused me physically, emotionally, and sexually because I was in a terrible place and felt like I couldn't do any better, like I deserved it. Also, I felt like if we fell in love or something, all the abuse would be worth it and mean something. Yeah, that doesn't make sense to me either.

I went through the same thing Jimmy. I suppose in a sense we are just blinded and see it as them trying to protect us or show us they care, when in actuality they're being abusive.