Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
i know I need to forgive to fully heal from all this emotional abuse. Every time I feel closer to being able to do that - with more understanding of the situation - he does something else and I hate him and I am angry all over at him.
We are getting divorced. I can't be with this man anymore. He continues to abuse me with such hateful words. However we have a son together and we are doing joint custody (at least I am trying). He is not talking to me about our son. Says its my fault that his life will be unstable. I tell him we need to still work together on raising him and have communication about him only.
Yesterday he picked him up for Father's Day. It was my weekend but it was Father's Day so he is suppose to be able to have him from 9-8pm. That is what was discussed with the lawyers - although at this point it is not all finalized in writing. I was unable to be there when he picked my son up - my mother was there and I had to run out for an appointment. Anyway I sent him a message to later in the day, asking him to let me know when he planned to bring my son back that night. He never respond. I know he gets my messages. It was almost 9pm and I finally messaged him asking where my son was and said the latest he was to be back was 8pm. He responds and says "who said that?" I said the lawyers did and it his past his bed time!
He drops him off and says nothing. I want to yell at him and I know there is just no point. He won't ever listen to whatever I say. and just puts all the blame on me for everything that happens. All thats does is makes me have to fight with myself to remind myself I am not at fault and he is just being abusive as always. I hate having to interact with him.
So I have not said anything further at this point. I have gone to my lawyer on several occasions with his comments and how he does not communicate about our son.
I figure I will send another email to him and tell him if he can't communicate like an adult about our son then we can't do joint custody. I just hate waiting for his response.
I am so grateful for my son and I would never wish I didn't get married - cause I wouldn't have him but it makes it so much harder cause I can't fully get away from this man! He will always be there and I have to be strong enough to get over this and not let him bother me for the rest of my life!
I have to have interaction with him. I make it as minimal as possible but not much more I can do. I try to keep a happy face for our son and talk good or at least not negative to our son about him. That is so hard as well.
Its so hard to forgive when you the abuse continues to happen. He does everything on purpose to hurt me. He knows he can get me with my son and that is about the only way he can at this point and he is realizing that.
We are getting divorced. I can't be with this man anymore. He continues to abuse me with such hateful words. However we have a son together and we are doing joint custody (at least I am trying). He is not talking to me about our son. Says its my fault that his life will be unstable. I tell him we need to still work together on raising him and have communication about him only.
Yesterday he picked him up for Father's Day. It was my weekend but it was Father's Day so he is suppose to be able to have him from 9-8pm. That is what was discussed with the lawyers - although at this point it is not all finalized in writing. I was unable to be there when he picked my son up - my mother was there and I had to run out for an appointment. Anyway I sent him a message to later in the day, asking him to let me know when he planned to bring my son back that night. He never respond. I know he gets my messages. It was almost 9pm and I finally messaged him asking where my son was and said the latest he was to be back was 8pm. He responds and says "who said that?" I said the lawyers did and it his past his bed time!
He drops him off and says nothing. I want to yell at him and I know there is just no point. He won't ever listen to whatever I say. and just puts all the blame on me for everything that happens. All thats does is makes me have to fight with myself to remind myself I am not at fault and he is just being abusive as always. I hate having to interact with him.
So I have not said anything further at this point. I have gone to my lawyer on several occasions with his comments and how he does not communicate about our son.
I figure I will send another email to him and tell him if he can't communicate like an adult about our son then we can't do joint custody. I just hate waiting for his response.
I am so grateful for my son and I would never wish I didn't get married - cause I wouldn't have him but it makes it so much harder cause I can't fully get away from this man! He will always be there and I have to be strong enough to get over this and not let him bother me for the rest of my life!
I have to have interaction with him. I make it as minimal as possible but not much more I can do. I try to keep a happy face for our son and talk good or at least not negative to our son about him. That is so hard as well.
Its so hard to forgive when you the abuse continues to happen. He does everything on purpose to hurt me. He knows he can get me with my son and that is about the only way he can at this point and he is realizing that.
I think it's really hard to forgive when 1. we are in the middle of their toxicity and 2. they keep repeating the same behavior over and over and over.
As odd as this may sound, maybe its too soon to worry about forgiving him. That can come after the divorce is final and you are a bit further out of his toxicity. I understand that since you have a child you cannot go No Contact, but you can set boundaries like you won't discuss anything w/him except that which concerns your child. BTW, your boundary about not communicating w/him unless he acts like a sane rational adult is a good one! You also might have your lawyer send a letter to that effect.
The thing w/abusers is they don't honor boundaries and they will do and not do whatever they feel like. So the sooner you can get the agreement in writing, the better. If the divorce is going to take a while, you can ask your lawyer to draw up a legal separation that includes a property (including alimony & child support) and child custody agreement. Depending on where you live, it may very well be put into effect in the courts before the divorce is final.
Then you can file contempt charges every time he doesn't abide by the agreement. Check w/your lawyer to see if this is possible
In the meantime, are you in therapy? If not, it will help a lot to have a therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse to help you learn to set and keep healthy boundaries, as well as begin to heal and get stronger.
~healing hugs~
happening to you.
I agree with MTC that it's
too soon on your journey
to be so concerned with
forgiving your abuser.
And I agree that if you're
at all able, therapy can be
vital to the process of
recovery and healing.
Finally, it's my opinion ---
both personal and
professional -----
that it's not essential
to the process of
healing and recovery,
to forgive your abuser.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not opposed to
achieving forgiveness.
I hold forgiveness to
be very valuable,
when it's possible
and when it happens.
But I've known and
I've worked with
many survivors.
Some arrived at
forgiveness.
Some didn't.
I don't believe that
forgiveness is required
to fully heal.
Healing can be a long
process. It's almost
never linear, but more
like a zig-zag.
I believe forgiveness
is like a flower. When
it blooms, it's beautiful.
But the garden can be
wonderful whether it
ever blooms or not.
Certainly, it's not your
obligation to forgive
while you're being
abused. And if
he's using your
son to inflict
maximum abuse,
then he's abusing
your son, as well.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
mommato2lilmonkeys
I am in therapy and have been going for some odds years now and that is actually how i realized I was being Abused. I went for bad anxiety.
I do plan to get my son into therapy when he gets older but I did not know of something called Play Therapy. I will have to look into that a bit more and see if it is needed. i do get concerned he keeps telling me "Daddy is Sad". Just about every time i say daddy's name or ask how his day was with daddy. Now he is starting to say "Daddy is sad.. ____ (sons name) is sad" He says he is sad cause daddy is sad. This is not good.. He also says "Daddy is sad cause of mommy",
I just sent him an email discussing all this and how it needs to stop. He is hurting his son. Not sure any of my comments will make a difference but i felt I needed to say it regardless.
I will have to speak with my lawyer again. she just went out on maternity leave ugh. As if we couldn't make the process go any slower. I filed last August.
I was not strong enough to set boundaries yet.. but I think I am really getting there now. I recently read a book on emotional abuse and I think it helped a lot. In addition to these blogs. the last few weeks I have started to feel a weight come off again and that I have not felt in awhile.
I had to see him the other day at my sons doctor's appointment and I was not nervous - first time ever. He cried when my son and I left.. (which he does way too often) making my son hug him for long time before i take him. and it made more angry at him but not feeling bad for him or like it was my fault at all.
mommato2lilmonkeys
mommato2lilmonkeys