Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I posted this on another board because of a reply I did on another link. It's been on my mind lately and I wanted to share this. I wrote this a month or so back after hearing Dr. Phil making some comment about relationships being a two way street.
The Two Way Street:
Every relationship you encounter in your life is a two way street, your children, your lovers and your friends. The old golden rule Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" isnt far off on how these relationships affect our lives or how we should act or be around those we love. If you give for example love, then you expect it to be returned. If you show respect you expect to be respected. If a child has done something wrong where you lose your trust then it has to be earned back by them doing trustworthy things and behaving accordingly. One of the biggest problems of our society is that kids think they can act a certain wait and get rewarded for it. Sure they can go steal this car, rob these guys of money but what if someone did that to them? Would they think any different if it happened to them, or their parents? If a lover has wronged you in some way, ignorance, hateful or plain neglect it needs to be addressed by that person, accepted by that person and made up to you in some way. Ignoring a problem doesnt make it go away, dealing with it and fixing it does. Every relationship needs gardening given love, listened to, give attention to in order for it to grow or it will wither and die but to some relationships are a means to an end. What do they get out of having this relationship? Why? Yes people should want to get out and make those important connections that allow them to further themselves in this world either for personal growth, maybe business but to be deceitful is to be full of deceit. My personal opinion is that these types of people are not trustworthy individuals worth my friendship. You have to be able to look within and ask yourself what was your part in this altercation? Whose fault was it? Did both parties take a part in it? Can you be honest enough with yourself to accept that you had a part? Can you look and say yes I did this and I am truly sorry? Some people cant or wont. To them they are perfect. Or they just live their life in ignorance; it doesnt bother them one way or the other. I can say that when I look at myself or the situation I am in and say this is my part. This is what Ive done and this is what I can do from here on out to make it that much better. If I have an issue with someone I should be able to say hey this concerns me and that someone should be able to say what can we do about it? Out of the love and respect they have for me, help find a solution that can fix the issue I have. Could I do it on my own? Sure, depending on what it is. What if its something within a relationship? Whats a healthy expectation? For it to be done for me? Maybe but most of the time when there is an issue within the relationship it takes both parties to be able to address the problem. Have a pow-wow where no one is criticized or humiliated for what problems they bring to the table. Where both parties are able to talk openly and freely without intimidation, where they feel their needs are just as important as the other, where love, respect, admiration and understanding comes together to achieve serenity. If my partner brings me an issue, I want to help him out as much as I can to ease his suffering and I expect that in return. That goes with any of my relationships in my life. Give a little to get a little. You get what you give. Karma. Whatever you refer to it as I hope you act upon it as much as you believe in it; to make your life and others better by being the example. Can you imagine a life where we all treated each other how we wanted to be treated?
The Two Way Street:
Every relationship you encounter in your life is a two way street, your children, your lovers and your friends. The old golden rule Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" isnt far off on how these relationships affect our lives or how we should act or be around those we love. If you give for example love, then you expect it to be returned. If you show respect you expect to be respected. If a child has done something wrong where you lose your trust then it has to be earned back by them doing trustworthy things and behaving accordingly. One of the biggest problems of our society is that kids think they can act a certain wait and get rewarded for it. Sure they can go steal this car, rob these guys of money but what if someone did that to them? Would they think any different if it happened to them, or their parents? If a lover has wronged you in some way, ignorance, hateful or plain neglect it needs to be addressed by that person, accepted by that person and made up to you in some way. Ignoring a problem doesnt make it go away, dealing with it and fixing it does. Every relationship needs gardening given love, listened to, give attention to in order for it to grow or it will wither and die but to some relationships are a means to an end. What do they get out of having this relationship? Why? Yes people should want to get out and make those important connections that allow them to further themselves in this world either for personal growth, maybe business but to be deceitful is to be full of deceit. My personal opinion is that these types of people are not trustworthy individuals worth my friendship. You have to be able to look within and ask yourself what was your part in this altercation? Whose fault was it? Did both parties take a part in it? Can you be honest enough with yourself to accept that you had a part? Can you look and say yes I did this and I am truly sorry? Some people cant or wont. To them they are perfect. Or they just live their life in ignorance; it doesnt bother them one way or the other. I can say that when I look at myself or the situation I am in and say this is my part. This is what Ive done and this is what I can do from here on out to make it that much better. If I have an issue with someone I should be able to say hey this concerns me and that someone should be able to say what can we do about it? Out of the love and respect they have for me, help find a solution that can fix the issue I have. Could I do it on my own? Sure, depending on what it is. What if its something within a relationship? Whats a healthy expectation? For it to be done for me? Maybe but most of the time when there is an issue within the relationship it takes both parties to be able to address the problem. Have a pow-wow where no one is criticized or humiliated for what problems they bring to the table. Where both parties are able to talk openly and freely without intimidation, where they feel their needs are just as important as the other, where love, respect, admiration and understanding comes together to achieve serenity. If my partner brings me an issue, I want to help him out as much as I can to ease his suffering and I expect that in return. That goes with any of my relationships in my life. Give a little to get a little. You get what you give. Karma. Whatever you refer to it as I hope you act upon it as much as you believe in it; to make your life and others better by being the example. Can you imagine a life where we all treated each other how we wanted to be treated?
We should own our part in things, look within ourselves and work together to solve the issue, including being honest about the issues/flaws we bring to the table (nobody is perfect). But then, as Learned says, if what we are dealing with is an abuser, that's not going to happen so we need to walk away. Because it's not going to change. It's not about finding a new way to communicate with someone who simply isn't interested in giving back because, as Learned points out, all that does is end with us communicating in ways that make us feel bad. Yes, with my abusers I ended up manipulating, telling half truths and even occasional lies, getting angry and aggressive - all methods of "communication" that I can't stand. And of course, that led to me blaming myself MORE for the problems in the relationship.
Some time ago, I had a discussion with someone close to me. I was upset by something that he had done, though well aware that it was probably more my own perception/paranoia/old tapes than anything real at his end that he could have been aware of. So I owned my own issue, my own problem, and talked to him. He'd done nothing wrong, it really was all in my own head, but he didn't say so - he just made an extra effort (ongoing, still continuing) to do nothing to arouse that paranoia again. And so I have also made an extra effort to be conscious of when it's just my own old tapes playing. And the problem has been solved and never raised again. That's a two way street, that's healthy problem solving. That's something that would NEVER happen with an abuser.